


Hope

by QianLan



Series: Hope [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Blindness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Force-Sensitive Finn, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-10-27 02:08:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 64,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10799481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QianLan/pseuds/QianLan
Summary: Rebellions are built on hope.  So what happens when you lose hope?  What happens when things don’t turn out the way they were supposed to?  What do you do with yourself when you change, when your heart changes, when the people around you change?What happens when you have to let go?After a terrible incident, Poe and Finn have to figure those things out.  It doesn’t go the way either of them expect.COMPLETE





	1. The Past / The Present

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [Sourlander](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Sourlander/pseuds/Sourlander) for helping me figure this one out—this fic just didn’t work for the longest time and then Sourlander made a suggestion and poof, it all came together.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on this fic or at least state up front that this is a fic about people being angry and hurt and sometimes not acting in the healthiest of ways as a result. It’s about dealing with trauma and trying to figure your life out and sometimes bumbling and doing things the wrong way. In other words, these aren’t perfect people. Sometimes they are jerks; sometimes they say and do things without thinking and sometimes even when they are thinking, they’re still messing things up. So if you want a fic where the characters are nice or always doing the right thing, this is not the fic for you.

 

 **36 months ago, just after Starkiller Base…**

In war, everything speeds up and everything slows down.  For long stretches, it’s go go go.  Flying missions, charging into battle, always moving, always running.  The time bleeds together and before you know it, months or even years have passed.

 

Then, things slow down, get quiet.  Time almost seems to stand still.  You’re still working, preparing, training, but now there is a lull.  Free time.  Time when you don’t have to be on. 

 

And it can be daunting, even frightening.  After so long of go go go, it can feel strange to simply walk around, take your time, savor things, but also, you know it can’t last.  The slow time is elusive, teasing, tense.

 

After Starkiller, things slow down for a bit.  Both sides retrench and regroup.  Both sides move bases.  Both sides wait for their strange detente to come crashing down.

 

Poe Dameron knows better than most how precious the slowed down time is, which is why—in those moments he can carve out to sit next to a comatose Finn—he’s promised himself to just tell Finn as soon as the other man wakes up: tell him that simply seeing Finn’s face makes Poe’s days better, tell him that that brief embrace they had on D’Qar is one of the best moments of Poe’s whole life, tell him that he has some sort of feelings for Finn

 

_Is it love?_

 

Poe likes to think that doesn’t happen all at once, but over time, no matter how sped up or slowed down it feels. 

 

_Not yet, but it could be._

 

The down time isn’t going to last, and Poe isn’t about to miss this opportunity because of the war.  It has already taken so much.

 

Poe has no idea if Finn will reciprocate, but he hopes.  Poe is good at hope.

 

* * *

 

Three weeks after Starkiller, the Resistance is settling into their new base, and Finn wakes up.  He remains in medical for another month.  By the time Finn is discharged, he is moving into Poe’s room and is already calling Poe his boyfriend.  It turns out both of them know how lucky they are to have these few weeks of slowed-down time, and both of them have seen too much to play it cool or act coy.  They jump in whole-heartedly.

 

And they never look back as things speed up again…

* * *

 

**18 months ago…**

“Pava, you have one on your six!”

 

“I know!  Can’t shake…urgah!”

 

“All fighters, evasive maneuvers.  Get clear.  Get clear!”

 

“But...”

 

“That’s an order, red four.”

 

“I can’t shake him!”

 

“There’s too many of them.”

 

“Pava, you hear me?  Dammit, Pava—”

 

“Poe, what in the hell are you…”

 

The sound of the explosion blocks out all the other sounds on the recording.  He pauses it, scrolling back to the beginning, and starts again.

 

“Pava, you have one on your six!” 

 

“I know—”

 

“Finn,” Rey says softly.

 

He startles.  _How long has she been there,_ he wonders.

 

She crosses over and takes the datapad from his hands, pausing the recording. 

 

“It’s time, Finn.”

 

“I’m not going.”  He doesn’t mean to sound petulant.

 

“Finn, it’s his memorial service.”

 

“He’s not dead,” Finn says. 

 

Rey’s face is blank.  She blinks.  Her voice is calm and even.  “Fair enough.  Are you going to be—”

 

“Don’t finish that thought, Rey.  I’m not okay; I’m not going to be okay.  Not now, not ever.”  He looks up at her, his eyes wide, full of tears.  “I just need someone to believe me.  Poe is _not dead_.  Everyone else may have given up, but I _know_ it.  Just as sure as I’d know if you were dead.”

 

Rey nods and leaves.

 

Finn scrolls back to the beginning of the recording and hits play again.

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, he is called to General Organa’s quarters.  When he enters, she nods to a chair and holds out a glass of what Finn guesses is Corellian rum.  He sits and she lifts her glass.  “To Poe.”

 

“To Poe,” Finn repeats, downing the contents in one gulp.  It burns, but it is so nice to feel something, anything, other than the dull ache he’s been feeling for the past three weeks.  Leia holds up the bottle and Finn nods.  She pours them both another, and they both down their glasses quickly.  After the third round, Leia says, “You weren’t at the memorial.”

 

“No.”  Finn makes sure that he has her eyes.  “Didn’t seem right, seeing as how _he isn’t dead_.” Neither of them is especially well-trained with the Force, but in the time since Starkiller, they’ve developed their own means of communicating with each other.  _You know that, right?_

 

“No, he isn’t,” she says quietly. 

 

Finn leans back in his chair.  _Then why have that damn memorial service,_ he thinks at her _.  Why not get everyone out there looking for him?_

 

Her eyes are sharp.   _Because…_ He can feel something inside her break.  “Let me tell you a story, Finn.  You’ve heard what happened when Han died.  I nearly collapsed in the middle of command.  I felt it when Alderaan was destroyed too and at other times in my life when the people I loved died.  But with Ben,” she fills her glass again and sips.  “Ben didn’t die, not in the conventional sense.  So, there wasn’t that same feeling—like a hole being ripped out of you.  No, with Ben…with Ben, it was as if a flame slowly flickered out and was replaced with something different, something not-quite-Ben.  Ben didn’t die, but he’s no longer the Ben I knew either.”

 

Finn knows where this is going.  “I’ve felt it too,” he says. 

 

Leia nods.  “I don’t think anyone besides you or me could understand that.  Not even Luke or Rey.  They never really knew Poe.  Not the way we did.”  She sets down her glass.  “I can’t go out there and tell everyone that he’s alive, but we don’t know where he is; plus, he may not be the Poe they remember.”  _It would be disastrous._  

 

Finn slams his fist against her desk.  “Banthashit!”  She doesn’t react, simply stares into her glass and waits.  He takes a long breath, then another, then another.  Finally, he says, “He’s changed, but it isn’t the same as Ben.  You know that!  Poe is still out there somewhere, and he’s different, but he’s still Poe.”

 

She closes her eyes.  “I can’t tell the rest of them that; you know it.”

 

Finn keeps his anger in check.  The sad thing is, he does understand why she’s doing it this way.  Leaving Poe’s fate uncertain would be torturous to the rest of the base, especially his pilots.  The damage to morale would be irreparable, even worse than Poe’s death.

 

“Fine, but I’m not letting this go.  If you think I’m going to stop looking for him—”

 

“I just want you to be prepared for what you might find.”

 

“You think he’s turned, don’t you?  That he’s out there flying for the First Order.”

 

“I don’t know what to think, Finn.”  She sounds so tired. 

 

“I don’t care if he is part of the First Order or if he has taken over the Hutt empire, ma’am.  I’m going to find him, and I’m going to bring him back.”

 

“I just want you to be prepared for—”

 

“Leia,” Finn says, hating himself for breaking rank but needing to make himself very clear.  “With all due respect, I think I’m more prepared than almost anyone for what I might find.  I think I’ve seen enough of the evil in the galaxy to last several lifetimes.  I can handle this.  I just need your assurance that you aren’t going to get in my way.”

 

Leia studies her glass.  Eventually, she says, “I can’t offer you any support.  You might be able to sneak out on a transport from time to time, but I can’t assign anyone to help you or allocate any resources.”

 

“I know that, ma’am.  I just need your word that you won’t try to stop me when I start following leads.  Because I need to be clear.  I’m here to serve the Resistance, but my first loyalty is to Poe.  We both know if the situation were reversed, he’d move entire systems to find me.  I owe him that much.”

 

Leia downs her drink.  “I won’t stand in your way.” 

 

He nods and rises, offering her a quick salute as he leaves her office. 

 

Leia brings the cold empty glass up to her forehead and leans into it.  She closes her eyes and remembers the same argument playing out a few months after Ben slaughtered the young padawans and joined Snoke.  Determination, despair, and love are an unhealthy mix.  They drove her, Han, and Luke apart. 

 

She hopes they won’t prove fatal to Finn.

 

Leia pours another drink.

 

* * *

 

**6 months ago…**

Leia stands off to the side, studying the bodies in command.  She knows this isn’t the Republic.  _Hell, it isn’t even the Rebellion_.  The Resistance is as cobbled together as a military organization can be and still even remotely consider itself a military organization.  Still, she can’t help but smile.

 

No resources; no backup; continually working on less than fumes, and somehow, they make it work.

 

 _Still…_   Her eyes alight on Finn, recently promoted (probably due to be promoted again), and Leia feels the acute sting of just what being in the Resistance means.

 

Finn is still the same brilliant, driven, talented young man she met over two years ago, but now, there’s a hardness there.  When she’d first met him, he reminded her of herself.  _Now_ , she wonders, _is he even more so_?

 

War robs you of so many things: your health, your sanity, your sense of right and wrong.  But perhaps the worst thing it does is take people away and leave nothing behind.  No body.  Nothing concrete to mourn, just an absence.  She’s felt it for Han.  She knows Finn feels it for Poe.

 

And what makes it worse is, she can feel him too.  Dameron is still alive out there somewhere.  And for some reason, he hasn’t come back.  Leia wonders if she should hope he will or hope that Finn moves on.

 

No one but Leia knows about Finn’s late nights spent following leads, his obsessive questioning of all First Order defectors and prisoners.  No one else can see the cracks that are forming.

 

Leia crosses her arms in front of her chest.  Perhaps if she were a kinder person, she’d send him away, tell him to go searching for Poe until his stamina or his faith runs out.  But she’s not a kind person.  She’s a person with a job to do.

 

That’s why she shakes herself from her thoughts and calls out, “Finn?  What can you tell me about the latest intel from the Arkanis sector?”

 

* * *

 

**1 week ago…**

The message is from a Twi’lek named Frina.  It’s short and to the point: _Have information on the whereabouts of Poe Dameron.  Finn, contact me._  It then gives her contact information.  Finn looks from the datapad to Leia and back again.

 

“When did this come in?”

 

“About an hour ago,” the General says.  She then adds, “It bounced through a few of our operatives before it got here, and I wanted to have Kaydel verify the source before I alerted you.”

 

“And?”

 

“After cursory examination, it appears legitimate.”

 

Finn’s face transforms instantly and Leia wants to cry—she’s forgotten what he looks like with a smile on his face—but still…  “Finn, you know as well as I do that this could be some sort of trap.”

 

The hope doesn’t leave his eyes.  “But it might be real,” he whispers.  
  
“It might,” Leia concedes.  “That’s why I’m going to allow you to contact this Frina from a secure channel.”

 

“When?”  He’s already leaning forward. 

 

Leia puts a hand on his arm.  “They’re setting it up now in the conference room.  If you don’t mind, I’d like to sit in on the comm.”

 

Finn nods, looking back down at the datapad.  It is the best lead he’s had in months.

 

“I’ll notify you when we’re ready.  Frina suggests a timeframe that we should hit in the next hour, so we’re aiming for then.  Otherwise, we’ll need to wait until tomorrow.”  She can feel the frustration radiating off Finn.  She squeezes his arm.  “Don’t worry.  You’ll get to talk to her.”  She begins walking away.  “Until then, though, I’d like this to remain between us.”

 

“Of course,” Finn says, still studying the message, trying to mine it for any possible detail that could help him find Poe.  He closes his eyes, trying to remember Poe clearly and hating that his memories are getting fuzzy around the edges.

 

Finn’s eyes snap open and he walks back to the barracks to meet with his troops _.  Like I’m going to be able to focus…_

 

* * *

 

The Twi’lek staring back at him appears nervous, but when her eyes met his, she stills and smiles.  “Finn,” she says.

 

“Do I know you?”

 

She shakes her head.  “I’ve heard a lot about you.  We all have.”

 

“I hope it’s okay.  General Organa is here too,” Finn says, nodding to Leia in the corner.

 

“That’s fine,” Frina says.  “It’s just, I can’t stay long.  He’ll be up soon and…”  She looks down, chewing her lip.  “He’d be furious if he knew I was doing this, but…”  She looks back up at Finn.  “I think it’s time to go back on my promise.”

 

“Promise,” Leia asks, stepping forward.

 

Frina nods.  “He made us promise not to contact you when he got here, and I figured he had his reasons, but now…”  She turns and looks behind her.  They can hear what sounds like children laughing in the distance.  She turns back towards them and sighs.  “It’s time for him to go home.”

 

“How do we know that he’s really there,” Leia asks.

 

Frina says, “I’m going to upload some holovids of Poe and BB-8 that should prove he’s here, and that we don’t mean you any harm.”  Frina looks worried.  “We’re a small commune on a backwater planet.  We’re just trying to stay off everyone’s radar.”

 

“Why doesn’t he want us to know he’s there,” Finn asks.

 

Frina shakes her head.  “At first, I thought it was his eyes, but now…”  She shrugs.  “Something happened.  Something he won’t talk about; something that’s killing him.”

 

Finn swallows hard, dreading the question he has to ask.  “What’s wrong with his eyes?”

 

Frina is clearly pained.  Her voice is barely above a whisper, “He’s blind, Finn.”

 

Finn closes his eyes.  “Krffing hell,” he mutters.  He then takes a deep breath.  He opens his eyes and makes sure his voice is level.  “Assuming the holovids check out, I’ll need you to send coordinates.  I’ll be leaving as soon as we get them.”

 

Frina nods.   “Of course.  Hurry,” she says.

 

The comm cuts out.

 

An hour later, the holovids and the coordinates arrive.

 

Leia and Finn sit in the conference room watching video of what is clearly Poe and BB-8 playing with a group of children on some sort of ranch.  Leia’s hand rushes to cover her mouth.  Finn rocks back and forth.  After about a minute, he stands and walks to the back of the room.  He slams his fist into the wall.  “Kriffing moof-milker!”  Leia jumps.  “What in the hell is he thinking!”

 

Leia slowly walks over, taking Finn’s bruised hand in hers and examining his knuckles.  “He isn’t thinking.  He’s hurt and…”  She can’t put her finger on it.  _There’s something else._

 

Finn nods.  “I’m going to reassign Clay to take over my duties for me; I plan to be gone within the hour.”

 

Leia nods.  Far too grimly she says, “Bring our boy back home.”

 

Finn is already headed to the door.  “Yes, ma’am.”

 

 


	2. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn finds Poe.
> 
> Their reunion doesn't go the way Finn expected it to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: please read the tags. From here on out, things get bumpy and messy. 
> 
> See the notes at the bottom for more spoilery information

 

 

The room is dim, and it takes Finn’s eyes a moment to adjust.  There is movement in the far corner: someone hunched over a work table.  Frina whispers, “He spends most of his days here, building tech and doing repairs.  I usually have to remind him to stop to eat and sleep.”

 

A voice from the far end of the room, unmistakably Poe’s, replies, “You know I can hear you, Frina.  Am I a stop on the tour now?”

 

Finn is already pushing past the Twi’lek into the room, drawn to Poe’s voice like a beacon, hardly noticing anything else, bumping into tables and crates.

 

“Whoah, buddy,” Poe says, turning and holding up his hands.  “Whoever you are, you’ve got to be careful.  I work here.”

 

Finn is suddenly standing in front of him.  “Poe,” he gasps.

 

The smirk on Poe’s face fades.  He takes a step back, almost frightened.  “Finn?”

 

“Poe,” Finn says again, laughing because _it really is him_.  “Poe Dameron.”  He steps forward, grabbing Poe’s shoulders.  “I thought you were dead.”  He pulls Poe towards him, burying his face in Poe’s neck.  “I thought you were dead.”  He’s crying.

 

Poe is trembling.  “Finn?”  Slowly one of his hands moves to the back of Finn’s head, carding through his hair.  “Finn,” he breathes out.  He leans into the embrace and wraps his hands around him.  _Finn._  

 

For a single moment, there is no pain, and Poe savors it, lets it wash over him.  He can’t remember the last time everything felt so right.

 

 _Poe_ , his mind starts.  _Don’t_.

 

He breathes in the other man’s scent.  _Please, just let me have this._

 

 _You can’t_.  Poe reluctantly lets go of Finn, who is still holding him, still weeping.  Poe can’t seem to pull his hand from the back of Finn’s head, though, his fingers dancing over Finn’s short hair.  _Kriff, I missed this._ “How,” Poe forces himself to ask. 

 

Finn leans back just enough to look at Poe’s face.  He reaches up, lightly tracing over Poe’s cheeks with his fingers, trying to ignore the cloudy far-away stare of Poe’s eyes.  He clears his throat.  “I never stopped looking, and…”  His eyes are glistening with tears as he decides on an easy lie: “And we got a report of an astromech that fit Bee’s description…and where is BB-8?”  Finn turns. 

 

Frina smiles from the doorway.  “Bee is doing a patrol of the perimeter; it should be back soon.”  She backs out, closing the door to the workshop. 

 

As soon as she’s gone, Finn whispers, “Poe,” and presses his lips to Poe’s.  At first, Poe is hesitant, stiff, but then he surrenders to the kiss, moaning as he tugs Finn closer.  It’s the best thing either of them has felt in a long time.

 

For a brief moment, Finn allows himself the fantasy that all the pain and hurt of the past eighteen months is about to be healed.  _It’s over_ , he tells himself.

 

But then, Poe makes a strangled noise and puts a hand on Finn’s chest, pushing him away.  “Finn, buddy, no.”  He lets out a long breath.  “Why are you here?”

 

“Why am I here?  Poe, why are _you_ here?  Why didn’t you let us know you were alive?”

 

_Because…_

_Just fucking tell him.  Just go back, and you can feel this way all the kriffing time._

_NO!  If you go back, you’ll…_ Poe starts shaking.

 

Finn watches Poe search for an answer and _something is wrong_.  The way the Force radiates off Poe, it’s..  “Poe?”

 

“You shouldn’t be here,” Poe says quietly. 

 

“Shouldn’t be here?  What the hell, Poe?  _You_ shouldn’t be here.  I’m here to bring you back, you nerf-herder.”

 

_Back.  Back is good.  Back is what you want.  Listen to him, Poe._

_But if I go back, I’ll…_ Panic surges through Poe. His fingernails dig into his palms.  “Back to what,” Poe bites out.

 

“Back to?  The Resistance, Dameron.  Your friends.  Your family.  Me!”

 

“The Resistance,” Poe says, grinding his teeth.  _No._   He points to his eyes with a sigh.  “Finn, I can’t see.  I can’t fly.  I sure as hell can’t fight.” 

 

“So?”

 

Poe huffs out a laugh.  “I’m not goin’ back to be your charity case.”

 

“What?  You’re only useful if you’re flying?  What kind of banthashit is that, especially coming from you?”

 

“It’s true, isn’t it?”

 

Finn takes a deep breath.  _Calm down_.  “No, it isn’t, and you know it.  At least you used to.”

 

“Fucking hero Poe Dameron, right?”  Poe shakes his head as he leans into the table behind him.  He crosses his arms.  “Maybe I’ve just come to accept the truth about who I am and what I’m capable of.”  He turns back to the table and picks up a tool. “Sure as hell ain’t anything special anymore.”  He lets out a mirthless laugh.  “Not sure I ever was.”  He says over his shoulder, “You should go.”

 

 _What the fuck?_   Finn fights the urge to grab Poe’s shoulder and whirl him around.  _He’s scared and he’s in pain._   Finn tries to keep his voice steady and even as he says, “I guess the Resistance should have just given up on me after Starkiller then, huh?”

 

“What?”

 

“Why waste resources on a useless Stormtrooper without a spine?”

 

Anger flares through Poe.  “It’s not the same and you know it,” he says.

 

“Not the same?  Yeah, you’re right.  It’s not the same because Kylo Ren just sliced through my back and left me for dead, and it would have been easy for the Resistance to let me die.  It’s not like I was even one of you yet!”

 

Poe takes a deep breath.  He knows Finn is trying to bait him.  He breathes out. _Just get him to leave.  Don’t take the bait.  Just tell him to go._  But he can’t help himself.  “You were always more than a Stormtrooper,” he says.  _So much more._   “You saved us.  You’re why any of us are alive today.”  Poe squeezes his eyes shut.  _I will not cry_.

 

“And what about you?”

 

“What about me?  I’m some washed up ex-pilot with no eyes.  I’m can’t do anything for the Resistance.”

 

Finn is shaking his head.  _Are you kriffing serious?_   “What about lead us?  Or kriff, just be with us?  You really think you’re only valuable if you can see?  What kind of kriffed up thinking is that?  Seriously!”  He looks around the dusty basement, full of old wires and broken-down machines.  “What kind of life is this, Poe?  What are you doing here?  Why in the frag are you hiding away on some fragging backwater?  Is it because you’re scared or—”

 

“You think I’m here because I’m kriffing scared?”  His hands are gripping his tools so tight it hurts.  “What the fuck do you know?”  He shakes his head.  “Fine.  I’m scared, if that’s what you want to think.  If that’s what it will take to get you to leave.  I’m scared and I’m worthless, okay?  Which is why I didn’t tell anyone I was alive!”

 

“Banthashit!”

 

“Well, then, Finn, since you seem to know everything already, why don’t you tell me why I’m here?  Huh?  Maybe I didn’t want to go back?  Maybe I was sick of it, sick of risking my life and getting blown up and tortured and having nothing to show for it?  You ever think of that?”  Poe shudders because there’s more truth to that lie than he wants to admit.

 

Finn whispers, “What about _me_?  Why didn’t you let _me_ know?”

 

“Because…”  Poe pushes his hands into the table, praying his voice doesn’t betray the tears falling down his cheeks.  _Because I love you more than anything in the universe_.  Poe can hear his blood woosh in his ears; his heart is pounding.  _Because if I came back…_   He groans.  _Keep it together, Dameron_.  He clenches his teeth.  “Because you’re better off without me, Finn.  You know it and I know it.  Hell, if the reports I’ve been hearing are right, you and Rey are nearly single-handedly saving the galaxy.  I’d just be in the way.”

 

“That’s banthashit, Poe.”  Finn puts a hand on Poe’s shoulder and Poe tries to shrug it off.  “So, what?  You’re just going to hide down here for the rest of your life?”  Poe refuses to respond.  “Poe?  Poe?  At least have the balls to face me!” 

 

Poe stands rigid, praying that Finn can’t see how badly he’s shaking. 

 

“Really?”  He takes a deep breath.  “No.  That’s not how this is going to happen.  I’m not going to let you do this.”

 

“Let me?”

 

“I love you,” he roars.  “The worst day of my life was the day they reported you dead.  And I _knew_ that you were still alive—even though no one would believe me—I knew it!  And I have spent every moment since then looking for you, trying to find you.  So, if you think I’m going to let you give up on yourself, give up on us…”

 

Poe’s heart is breaking.  He’s dreamed of hearing Finn’s voice again, of being able to touch him, but he also knows the realities of his situation.   _I’ll hurt Finn if I go back._   A headache flares across his skull.  Poe drags in a breath and freezes in place, praying it will be over quickly.  “Finn…”  His voice breaks.  He moves to hide his hands so Finn can’t see the tremors.  _Breathe, Dameron_.  He slowly counts to five, waiting for the pain to stop.  “Please leave.”

 

Finn can hear the agony in Poe’s voice, and the vibrations in the Force around him are…they’re scaring Finn.  He makes his voice as soft as possible.  “Poe, I’m not letting you go.  I love you.”  Finn puts his hand back on Poe’s shoulder, trying to gently tug Poe towards him.  “And I know you love me too.”

 

Poe jerks from Finn’s grasp.  _Do it.  Make it a clean break._   “You don’t know anything,” he spits out.  “You were just a convenient fuck.  A beautiful way to pass the downtime between missions.  That’s all.  Get over it.  You don’t mean anything to me!”  He spins and tries to storm off but miscalculates and hits a crate.  Finn moves to help him, but he shouts, “No!  Can’t you get a hint, trooper?  You’re nothing to me!  I don’t want you here.  Get out!  Leave me alone!  I’m fine without you, without the Resistance.  I’m happier here.”  Poe makes his way slowly to the other end of the room.

 

“Poe?” Finn’s voice is tiny.

 

“I said get out,” Poe roars. 

 

Finn doesn’t move, so Poe snarls one more time, “Get out!” 

 

Finn’s feet carry him backwards.  He’s having trouble breathing.  He stumbles across the threshold of the door and finds Frina on the other side, crying.  He opens his mouth to speak and she shakes her head.  He follows her outside into the twilight of Leritor. 

 

 _That did not go the way I thought it was going to go_ , Finn thinks.  He keeps opening his mouth to speak and looking over his shoulder back at the compound, wishing that what he’d just experienced was a dream.

 

_What the fuck was that?_

 

They walk a good distance away from the compound.  Frina finally says, “I’m sorry.  I should have warned you.”  She dabs at her eyes with her sleeve.  “He’s so angry, but I thought you of all people…” She looks up at Finn.  “He talks about you constantly.”  She catches herself: “ _talked_ about you constantly.  I’m pretty sure every child in the compound knows the story of how you freed him from the Finalizer.”  Frina stops walking.  “He’s getting worse.”  Her hands are pulling at her sleeves.  “He’s more withdrawn, doesn’t tell his stories anymore.  He’s not eating.”  She looks up at Finn.  “He’s slowly killing himself.”

 

Finn’s eyes are brimming with tears.  He takes in what Frina is telling him and fights the urge to run back into the workshop, pick Poe up, put him on the transport, and fly away this very minute. 

 

“I really thought if he could just hear you…”  She buries her face in her hands.  “I really screwed things up,” Frina says. 

 

“No, you didn’t,” Finn says.  “He’s being an ass.”  He shakes his head.  “He thinks…  Hell, I don’t know what he’s thinking!”  He puts both hands on his head and walks forward, wishing there were something he could hit.  “Kriff,” he yells.  Then, he says, “I don’t know.”  He shrugs.  “He thinks he’s saving us, saving me?  That’s what’s so infuriating about all of this.  He thinks we’d all be better off without him.”  Finn squeezes his eyes shut.  Frina walks forward and puts a hand on his shoulder. 

 

Finn bites the inside of his lip.  _Poe’s hurt and he’s angry_.   _He doesn’t mean it_.  Finn remembers how he felt, waking up after Starkiller.  The anger.  The fear.  The shame.  Finn opens his eyes.  _But there was also friendship.  And love._  “Do you…Did he tell you what happened?  How he ended up here,” Finn asks.

 

“Not much.  I’ve pieced together a bit of it.  I have a friend, Johoon.  He’s a trader, stops by with supplies and news every few cycles.  He brought Poe here, said he found him on Corellia doing odd jobs at the port in Coronet City.  Supposed to be a whiz at tech.  Poe was looking to leave the core, looking for someplace a little less conspicuous, and Johoon told him about us.  We’ve always got tech that needs replacing, so he figured it would be a good fit.”  She turned to Finn.  “Never told us how he ended up on Corellia or how he lost his sight.  The stories stop about a year and a half after Starkiller.”

 

 _When he left on the mission to Selvaris_ , Finn thinks.  A high-pitched squeal tears Finn from his thoughts.  He turns and smiles as BB-8 rolls towards him.  The droid is beeping so fast, Finn can’t keep up.  He crouches down.  “Hi, Bee.”  He pats the top of the droid’s dome and it slowly rocks into his leg.  “I missed you too.”

 

BB-8 pesters him with questions.  “No, we didn’t know you were here.  If we had known, we would have come.”

 

“Yeah, I’m here to take you back.”

 

“Yes, Rey is fine.  So are Artoo and Threepio.”

 

“Yes, I’ve seen him.”

 

“No, he wasn’t happy to see me, but I’m going to work on that.”

 

“I know it doesn’t make sense but…Poe’s…Poe is in a lot of pain right now.”

 

“Yes, of course I’m going to help him.”

 

“No, I’m not leaving without you.”

 

Finally, Finn turns to Frina, “It looks like I’m going to be staying tonight.” 

 

Frina smiles.  “Let’s get you a bunk then.” 

 

* * *

 

Poe waits until he can’t hear them anymore and creeps back into his workshop.  Besides his bed, it’s the only place these days where he feels safe, where the background noise of the pain and the guilt seems to abate for a while. 

 

 _And now?  Now that he knows you’re here?_   Poe leans against his work bench, trying not to cry.

 

Even the thought of Finn, of going back with him, is enough to make the shaking stop.  Poe drags in a breath.  _It isn’t real_ , he tells himself.  _It isn’t kriffing real_.

 

 _It feels so damn good though_.  Tears start running down his cheeks.  For a moment, Poe just lets himself feel good.  It’s a luxury he really can’t afford, but for a few moments, at least, he lets himself float away on the thought of going back to the Resistance with Finn.

 

Then, he takes a deep breath and does what he has to do.

 

 _If I go back, I’ll—_   He groans as a sharp pain rises from the back of his neck down his spine.  He’s definitely crying now.

 

He tries to ignore the pain; he reaches for his tools.  _Just focus on work_.  And then the thought, the one that’s been coming on more and more in the past few months, pops into his head.  _I could make it all stop._

 

His hand shakes as he reaches into a cubby under the work bench, and he doesn’t know if it’s just nerves or...  Poe takes an unsteady breath and forces his hand to still. He starts feeling around.  Hidden among the tools is something Treeno had insisted he take when he left Fresia: a small blaster.  Poe runs his hand over it and imagines how it would go.  _Just one shot…_

 

He swallows hard as he immediately pictures the aftermath: Frina—or worse, one of the kids—finding him, having to clean up.  The look on Finn’s face.  The look on his dad’s face.  The look on the General’s face.Poe snatches his hand away, balling it into a fist.  He slams it onto the bench _.  Why?_

 

He keeps hitting it as he screams at the universe in his head: _why?_

 

He stops banging his hand against the metal and slides down until he’s sitting on the floor.  He shoves his head back against the bench, hard.  _Why, universe?  Why can’t I just die already?  Why do I have to be the one to do this?  Why can’t it be somebody else?  Why can’t I just…_

He bites his lip so hard, he’s sure it’s bleeding.

_And why the fuck did you let Finn find me?_

 

* * *

 

Poe doesn’t appear at dinner, which several of the children tell Finn is a fairly regular occurrence these days.  It’s clear they miss him, but when they learn that Finn is the _Finn_ from all of Poe’s stories, they pester him with questions well into the night.

 

Finally, after hours of stories, Finn walks to his bunk and sits down, carefully taking off his boots and thinking about what he’s told the children.  He’d described the dashing Resistance pilot who talked back to Kylo Ren and then flew them off the Finalizer.  The man who kept vigil at his bedside after Starkiller.  The fighter, the spy, the diplomat.  Finn frowns.  _It’s all past tense._  

 

 _Poe isn’t the same_. 

 

Leia had warned him, and a part of him knew that she was telling him the truth, but Finn hadn’t wanted to hear it.  _And now, I’m looking it in the face_ , he thinks.  Finn’s head falls forward into his hands.  _What in the kriff am I doing here?_   The relief and joy in finally finding Poe is mixing with the dread of seeing just how angry and hollow Poe’s become.  Finn feels sick to his stomach.

 

_How in the hell am I gonna get him to come home?_

 

* * *

 

Several hours later, after trying—and failing—to go to sleep, Finn finds himself wandering the compound.  Finn does the math: Poe’s been here for about nine months and before that, the best anyone can figure, he was on Corellia for about three and a half.  That leaves another five-and-a-half months unaccounted for.  Finn frowns.  _What happened to you, Poe?_  

 

 _The X-wing was destroyed near Selvaris_.  _But how did he survive the explosion?  How did he end up on Corellia?  How did he lose his sight?_

 

Finn’s feet seem to know where they’re going and he isn’t surprised to find himself standing outside Poe’s workshop.  He is even less surprised to hear what sounds like Poe tinkering away.  Finn opens the door as quietly as possible and creeps in.  He hasn’t gotten very far when Poe’s voice floats back to him, weary and rough, “Whoever it is, I’m not in the mood tonight, okay?  Come back tomorrow.”

 

Finn stops, calculating his next move carefully. 

 

“Okay,” Poe repeats.

 

Finn stands up straight, squaring his shoulders and planting his feet.  “Okay, Dameron.  I’ll leave for now, but I’m coming back tomorrow and every day after that because the fact of the matter is, I’m not leaving this fragging rock without you.  So, if this is the game you want to play, I’ll play it.  I think you’ve forgotten just how stubborn I can be.”  Finn doesn’t wait for a reply.  He marches out of the workshop and back into the hall, only stopping once he is well away from Poe’s hearing.  He leans against a wall, breathing heavily.  “I can do this,” he whispers.  “I can do this.” 

 

Poe drops his tools and slumps forward.  He slams a fist onto the table.  _Why couldn’t Frina leave well enough alone?_  

 

There’s a part of him that is screaming for him to _just go to Finn!  Go back to the Resistance!_   And everything feels so good when he starts to listen to it.

 

Poe screams, “No!”  He punches the table in front of him.  “No,” he says.  “If I go back…”  The pain is swift and fierce and he growls as it overtakes him.

 

 _It has to happen like this._  

 

 _And I’m sure as hell not taking Finn and the rest of the Resistance down with me._  

 

Even if he has to lie to Finn, tell him horrible things, he is going to make sure that Finn is far clear of him before the inevitable happens.

 

* * *

 

Finn wakes from troubling dreams early the next morning.  He leaves the bunk and finds Frina and the children outside, hanging laundry on lines to dry.  “Frina, have you seen BB-8?”

 

Frina nods towards the far end of the compound where the white and orange droid is circling around a group of young children feeding livestock.  He jogs over.  “Bee!  Can we talk?”  The droid beeps happily and rolls to him.  “Is there somewhere private,” Finn asks.  The droid beeps in the affirmative and starts off. 

 

On the far side of the compound, there is a short, crumbling wall and beyond it, grasslands as far as the eye can see.  Finn sighs.  It’s beautiful, peaceful.  Like a rustling beige ocean.  BB-8 stops near the wall and Finn sinks down, putting his back against it.  He pulls his knees up towards his chest and rests his arms on them.  He’s pretty sure he knows the answers to some of the questions he’s about to ask, but he has to ask anyway.   “Bee, why didn’t you contact the Resistance?”

 

Just as he expected, Poe ordered the droid not to.  “What else did Poe order you not to do?”

 

[Order: cannot contact Resistance; Order: cannot contact Designation Friend-Finn, Designation Friend-Rey, Designation Jedi-Skywalker, Designation General-Organa, Designation Father-Kes, Designation R2-D2—]

 

“Okay, I get it.  He was thorough.  You weren’t allowed to contact any of us, which means that you must have been offline for a while, for him to be able to reprogram that order.”

 

[Affirmative.]

 

“What do you remember when he brought you back online?”

 

[Request denied.]

 

“You don’t remember?”

 

[Negative.]

 

“He ordered you not to tell anyone?”

 

[Affirmative.]

 

“Blast!” Finn hits the ground with a fist.  BB-8 rolls away.  “No, Bee, I’m not mad at you.  I’m mad at…” He takes in a sharp breath.  “If I’m going to help Poe, I have to know what happened.  I know you two ended up on Corellia and then you came here, but I don’t know anything about what happened before that.  What happened to Poe after Selavris, how he lost his sight, how you two ended up on Corellia...”

 

The droid lets out a low, sad tone.  Finn knows it wants to help but Poe has made sure it can’t.  “Tell you what, Bee, why don’t you tell me everything you can.  For instance, when exactly did you arrive on Corellia?”

 

The droid begins to tell him about the trip to Corellia on a freighter from Fresia.  Finn smiles.  That accounts for another month in the timeline, and it places Poe far closer to Selvaris than Corellia.  “And was Poe already blind at that time?”

 

[Affirmative.  Designation-Poe has been blind since BB-8 was reactivated.]

 

“Did he have any other injuries?”

 

[Request denied]

 

“Where were you when he reactivated you?”

 

[Request denied]

 

“Were there other people around when he reactivated you?”

 

[Request denied]

 

“How long after you were reactivated did you get on the freighter?”

 

[Approximately one day.]

 

Finn laughs.  _I just have to find the right questions_.

 

It feels like hours of trying to find the right way to ask the right questions, but by the time Finn and BB-8 part ways, Finn has a bit more of the puzzle figured out.  Poe hasn’t had any qualified doctors look at his eyes, and Bee suspects that the damage may be repairable.  Poe has programmed Bee to forbid any contact with the Resistance but also any mention of the First Order.  Bee noticed a limp that has since gone away and strange headaches and tremors that have been getting worse.  Lastly, Poe reactivated BB-8 fourteen months ago, as best Finn can figure.  That leaves about four months unaccounted for.  Four months where Poe was blind, injured, but still had BB-8 with him _.  How in the galaxy did Poe manage that?_   An activated astromech would be one thing, but BB-8 was deactivated.  Finn is hoping that Poe himself might fill in some of the blanks. 

 

He takes a deep breath and walks to the workshop.

 

Poe is hunched over the same table in the back when Finn arrives.  Finn lets out a tiny sigh of relief.  After their encounter last night, a part of him was afraid that Poe might try to hide from him.

 

Poe doesn’t stop working as Finn enters and crosses the room, and he keeps his back to Finn.  “You’re still here,” Poe says with a fake casualness that pushes Finn’s buttons.

 

“Dameron, you can drop the act.  You know as well as I do that I’m not leaving this rock without you.  You want to yell at me, call me names, tell me I was nothing but a convenient fuck”—Poe winces at that—“then go right ahead.  I’m stronger than you think.”

 

Poe’s voice is barely a whisper as he says, “You’re the strongest person I know.”

 

“Yeah?  Then why don’t you treat me like it?  Accept that I can handle this, that I can help you.”  Finn is close now, Poe can feel it.  The heat from Finn’s hand as it reaches out to touch him is nearly unbearable. 

 

“Don’t.”  Poe jerks away before Finn can make contact.  “Like I said last night, it’s a lost cause.  I ain’t comin’ back, Finn.  Not to you, not to the Resistance.  I’m happy here.  I’ve got people who care for me, a job I’m good at.  It’s not as important as what you do, but I like to think I’m making a difference.”

 

“Dammit, Poe.  You really want to spend the rest of your life in this basement?”

 

Poe spins to face Finn.  “And what if I do?  What?  Is there something so wrong with that?  We all have to be hotshot pilots or Jedi or Captains for us to make a difference?”

 

“That’s not what I meant,” Finn says quietly and then, because he can’t help himself: “And I’m a Commander now.  I’m in charge of my own squad of ground troops.”

 

“Force, Finn!  What in the hell are you doing here, then?  Why aren’t you—”

 

Finn crowds Poe without actually touching him.  His voice is low and dangerous.  “I’m here because I love you, Dameron.  I’m here because you left a lot of people behind, people who care about you, people who need you.”

 

“I’m not—”

 

“So help me, Poe, if you’re about to say you’re not worth it, I will punch you in the face.”

 

Poe takes a step back.  He throws his tools onto the table and yells, “I can’t…”  He swivels, as if he’s looking for something and he begins shaking his head.  “Dammit, Finn, I…” Poe crumbles to the ground, covering his face with his hands.  _I can’t do this_.  “I can’t go back.  I can’t.”  He’s sobbing and Finn sinks to the ground, gently placing his arms around Poe’s shoulders, pulling Poe into his lap.

 

Poe whimpers at the contact and Finn closes his eyes—the misery radiating off Poe slams into him.

 

Finn has no idea how long they sit there, crying, while Finn rocks Poe back and forth, slowly petting his hair, saying nothing.  Eventually, Poe runs his arms across his cheeks and makes a move to push away from Finn, but Finn just holds him tighter.  “No,” he says quietly.  “You need to tell me what happened.”

 

Poe buries his head in Finn’s neck.  “I can’t, Finn.”

 

Finn doesn’t miss the tremor in Poe’s voice.  It terrifies him.  “Poe please?”

 

“I can’t.” Poe’s voice breaks.  He’s shaking and his voice is pure agony as he begs, “Please don’t ask me again.  Please.”

 

 _What in the kriff is going on_ , Finn asks the universe.  He pulls Poe closer to him, kissing the skin next to his eyes.  “Okay, Poe,” he says.  “We’ll figure something out.  I promise.”  Poe slumps against him with a sob.  “I promise.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, we have suicidal thoughts, as well as general unpleasantness (this is not a happy reunion) and characters saying some really lousy things to people they love.


	3. Modifications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Poe after he "died"?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: torture, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts

 

 

**Selvaris, 18 months ago…**

 

 _Just a simple in and out_ , Poe thinks ruefully before banking sharply and twisting so he can shake the TIE on his tail.  He pulls Black One into a loop and gets behind the bastard, smiling as he fires.

 

The Order had come out of nowhere ten minutes ago, and most of his pilots are safe, but Jess and Bastian are having issues.

 

“If you’re clear to jump, do it,” Poe screams.  “Pava, you have one on your six!”

 

“I know!  Can’t shake…urgah!”

 

“All fighters, evasive maneuvers.  Get clear.  Get clear!  _Please get out of here, everybody._

 

“But,” Bastian starts.

 

“That’s an order, Red Four.”

 

Jess yells, “I can’t shake him!”

 

Bastian's voice cuts through the comms: “There’s too many of them.”

 

Poe’s whole body tenses watching Pava in the distance.  _That TIE is going to get her if she doesn’t…_   _Screw it_ , he thinks, banking sharply.  “Pava, you hear me?  Dammit, Pava—”

 

“Poe, what in the hell are you…”

 

* * *

 

Poe wakes up gasping. 

 

The last thing he remembers before the darkness is being overwhelmed: there was a bright flash of light, violent shaking, the blaring of alarms, screams over his comm, and the heaviness of the air in the cockpit as it filled with smoke.  

 

It was all too much.

 

And he couldn’t breathe.

 

He must’ve blacked out at some point. 

 

Poe takes in one ragged breath and then another before it strikes him. _Something is wrong._

_Am I dead?_  

 

_No._

_Not yet._

 

“Jess?”

 

He blinks, but he can’t see anything.  _It’s too dark._   He opens his mouth to say as much and that’s when the pain hits.  _Fuck._   He starts coughing and then, he is being held down by strong hands and there’s a voice, but he can’t understand it.

 

_No, let go._

_And turn on the lights._

 

Poe’s elation at surviving quickly turns into stomach churning, overwhelming fear.  He starts fighting the hands holding him down.  More hands press into him.  There’s a voice at his ear, mumbling something.  “I don’t understand,” Poe tries to yell but it comes out as a rasp.  His throat is dry and scratched, like he’s been screaming for help for hours. 

 

“Please let me go,” he begs.  Then, there is a prick in his shoulder and everything starts to become muffled.  They’ve drugged him.  “Please,” he slurs.  “Please.”

 

* * *

 

Poe is strapped to a table of some sort.  He pulls on the restraints.  That elicits a reaction from somewhere in the room.  Footsteps and then a body far too close to Poe’s ear.  “Good.  You’re awake,” a voice purrs.  “I was beginning to think you were never coming back to us, Colonel Dameron.”

 

“Who are,” Poe whispers. He starts coughing.

 

“Admiral Hanex, head of the First Order’s reconditioning program.”

 

 _The Order._ Poe is trembling.  “Where am I?” His voice sounds rough.  He’s parched.  “How long have I been here?”

 

There’s a low chuckle to his left as the man says, “You’re nowhere the Resistance will come looking for you, if that was your concern, and you were taken prisoner just over three weeks ago.”

 

_Three weeks?  What in the kriffing hell?_

 

“When we realized who we had, we decided to take advantage of it.”  The man laughs again and Poe’s skin crawls.  “We treated you, kept you sedated, and made some…modifications.”

 

“Modifications,” Poe croaks.  He closes his eyes and starts his mantra, _the Resistance will not be intimidated.  The Resistance will not be intimidated.  The Resistance will not be…_

 

The voice says, “At this point in the war, I figured it was time to try something new.  We could kill you, of course.  But what purpose would that really serve?  Limited uptick in morale for our troops, creating a martyr for yours.  No,” he sighs.  “And honestly, handing you over to that overgrown child of Snoke’s would only serve to make you a spectacle while that deranged animal cuts you to bits.  Such a waste.”  Poe can practically hear the man shaking his head.  “So, for all intents and purposes, Poe Dameron is dead.  To both the Resistance and the Order.”  His voice turns brittle. “At least until I’m ready to show Snoke exactly what we can do out here.” 

 

 _This bastard is rogue?_   Poe stops repeating the mantra in his head.  _What?_   Poe swallows.  _This is not good.  This is so not good.  What to do, Poe?  Come on. Come on_.  Poe sucks in a breath.  _Get him talking._  “You have a point, buddy, or you just gonna talk me to death?”

 

“They told me you had a smart mouth.  That’s good.”  The man strokes a gloved finger up Poe’s cheek.  Poe tries to flinch away, but the restraints keep him firmly in place.  “My point, Colonel, is that no one—not even Kylo Ren—is coming to look for you.  You are mine to play with as I please.”  The man’s fingers card through Poe’s hair, and Poe is pretty sure he’s going to be sick.

 

 _Say something, Dameron.  Anything!  Just talk!_   “What’s with the darkness,” Poe asks.  “Intimidation tactic?” 

 

The man leans in, his breath on Poe’s ear.  “Oh, we’re getting to that.”  He pulls away and begins pacing the room. “You see, Colonel, when I realized that we had _Poe Dameron, hero of Starkiller_ , in our custody, I saw it as a sign.”  The man walks near Poe, running his hand up Poe’s leg.  “The son of Rebellion traitors, slavishly devoted to that Organa bitch.  Who better to show the effectiveness of my new reconditioning program than the man who blew up Starkiller base himself?”  The man’s hand lingers on Poe’s chest.  “Snoke may think what I do here has limited applications, but he’ll see.”  He leans in to Poe’s ear.  “And then none of your ilk will be safe.”

 

Poe is trying hard to slow down his breathing.

 

“My entire life has been devoted to perfecting the art of reconditioning, and with you?”  He chuckles again.  “With you, my dear Colonel, I can show them just how sophisticated my programming has become.”

 

“Programming didn’t work so well with Finn, though, did it?”

 

The slap is swift and rough.  Poe starts coughing.

 

“FN-2187 was an anomaly,” the man roars.  He then composes himself.  “But I don’t think you’ll prove to be quite as…resourceful as the traitor.  No, something tells me we aren’t going to have many problems with you.”  He hums to himself.  “The preliminary results have been stellar.”

 

“Preliminary.  So you’ve already,” Poe finds himself asking, not wanting to hear the man’s answer but at the same time desperately needing to hear it.

 

“I decided that the best way to use you would be to let you continue to think that you are the Resistance’s greatest hero when, in fact, you are really working for us.” Poe breaks out in a sweat.  “So, as I said, I modified you.”  He laughs.  “I’m sorry if you think that you’re resisting us, Colonel, but we’re already in your head.” 

 

Poe has been tortured, damn near killed on several occasions, but he has only once in his life been this numb.  He was eight.  His mother had just died.  And then, he had his father with him, people who loved him.  

 

Now, he has no one.

_I’m a traitor._

 

The man is laughing again and Poe wants to rip his throat out.  “Good, Colonel.  Get angry.”  He leans down beside Poe.  “It won’t help.  The damage has already been done.  Speaking of which…”  Poe can feel a hand near his face.  The man asks, “How many fingers am I holding up?”

 

“Is this a joke?”

 

“No, I’m completely serious.  How many fingers?”

 

Poe feels a dread rising in his stomach but refuses to acknowledge it.  He tries to sound calm as he says, “There’s no way to tell.  The room is completely dark, buckethead.”

 

“Actually, Colonel Dameron, the room is well lit, bright even.”  Poe feels his chest constrict.  “You’ve just lost ability to see it.” 

 

Poe’s body convulses.  He begins dry heaving.   _No.  No.  It’s a lie._   The bile burns his throat and tongue and he can feel tears falling down his cheeks as his body seizes up again.  There’s nothing in his stomach, but he still keeps gaging.  _Please maker, tell me it’s a lie._

 

“Don’t let him choke,” the man barks out, and the table moves so that Poe is vertical.  He spits up all over himself, and someone moves to clean the mess off his face. 

 

_It’s a dream.  I’m gonna wake up and it’ll all be over and…_

 

He sucks in a breath and his lungs hurt.

 

_It’s a…_

 

Poe tries to swallow and everything stings.

 

_It’s…_

 

_It’s…_

 

He blinks through the tears _.  I’m blind._

 

He’s crying and gasping for breath and his entire world is reduced to a single thought: _I’m never gonna fly again._

 

Eventually, the tears stop flowing, and Poe can hear beings walking around the room, the press of buttons, the hum of machinery—life going on as usual. 

 

_As usual._

If he didn’t think it would wound his throat, he’d scream.  Instead, he leans back onto the cold metal table and the weight of things starts to settle on him.

 

“What did you do to me,” Poe manages to eventually choke out.

 

“Oh, still with us?”  The man walks back to him.  “No, we didn’t take away your sight, Colonel.  That happened in the explosion.  We simply decided to take advantage of it.”  The man leans in.  “Let me explain.  We’ve spent the last few weeks taking over your mind, giving you some important instructions.  You see, you aren’t going to remember this conversation or your time with the First Order, and when you get back to the Resistance, which you are going to want to do with all of you heart, you are going to be the perfect little spy.”

 

Poe wants to laugh in the man’s face, but he has no more energy.  “If you think I’m gonna spy for you…”  He takes in a huge breath, fighting down the bile.  “Besides, there’s not much I’m going to be able to do blind,” Poe spits out.  _Blind.  I’m blind._   He’s shaking so hard it hurts, and one part of his brain is telling him, _You’ll deal with it later_.

 

But the other part is screaming, _Blind._

 

The man laughs.  “Oh, we’re fairly certain that your eyes could be fixed with proper medical attention, but we thought you’d have more of an incentive to get back to your base if you remained blind.”

 

_Blind._

_No._ Poe sucks in a breath and tries not to cry out in joy _.  It can be fixed?  I’m gonna see?_ “Fixed?”

 

“Oh yes, Colonel Dameron.  If you’re a good little boy and go back to your base, they should have your eyes repaired in no time at all.”

 

Poe actually laughs. _It’s only temporary.  I’m gonna see._

 

“In the meantime, though, shall we try things out,” the man asks.

 

 _Try what out?_ “No,” Poe says.

 

“Tsk, tsk, Colonel Dameron.”  The man puts his hand on Poe’s arm.  “I insist.  You see, when we decide that we’re finished reprogramming you and you finally wake up, you will feel almost euphoric at the prospect of contacting your colleagues.  And every time you perform one of your pre-programmed missions, you will likewise feel very good.  However, if you counteract one of our commands or if your reconditioning should fail, you will be in an inordinate amount of pain.  If you begin to remember your time with the First Order, you will feel pain.  If you manage to remember this conversation and try to tell someone about it, you will feel pain.  In short, any indication that you are trying to communicate about what we are doing to you and you will erupt into horrible pain.  Care to give it a try?”

 

“Not really,” Poe manages.

 

“No, I insist.  Tell me about the reconditioning.”

 

 _The Resistance will not be intimidated_. 

 

That mantra seems so hollow now, but it’s all he’s got.  Poe takes a deep breath _._ “The First Order recon—”  Poe screams in agony.  It feels as if his whole body is on fire.  He pulls against the binders keeping him on the table, desperate to catch his breath. 

 

After several seconds, the pain subsides.

 

“See?  It really would be in your best interests just to pretend that this conversation didn’t happen.”

 

_FUCK._

 

Poe drags in a breath and asks, his voice so rough and scratchy he can hardly recognize it, “What’s to stop me from—”

 

“Killing yourself or refusing to go back,” the man asks.  “Well, Colonel Dameron, we’re going to do our best to make sure that you don’t remember this—at least not consciously.  I needed to tell you now, so that somewhere deep down you’ll have a memory of the pain, because that will be useful later, but no, we’re going to spend several more weeks reconditioning you so that you _want_ to go back, so that you _want_ to regain your sight and fight for the Resistance.”  The man leans in close to Poe’s ear.  “At least until you decide to fight for the First Order.”

 

“If you think I’ll ever—”

 

“You are a good solider for the First Order,” the man whispers into Poe’s ear. 

 

Poe’s entire body feels light, bubbly, like he will simply float off into the atmosphere.  It’s better than flying.  _Kriff, it’s better than sex_. 

 

“That’s right, Colonel Dameron,” the man says, running a gloved finger across Poe’s cheek.  “See how good it feels to work for the First Order?  If you do as you’re told and return to the Resistance, this is how you could feel all of the time.” 

 

Poe’s weeping, it feels so good.  A part of him is screaming to forget how good it feels, to focus on the danger, but in the moment, his body is alight in pleasure. 

 

When it ends, Poe whimpers.  _The Resistance will not…_

_The Resistance will not…_

 

Poe sucks in a breath.  _The Resistance…_

_More?_

 

It must show on his face because the man ruffles a hand through Poe’s hair.  “Oh, no worries, pet.  If you’re a good boy, you’ll get to feel that way again very soon.”  The man walks away, and Poe is left in the dark on a cold table, sobbing.

 

* * *

 

Time has no meaning here in the dark, so Poe has no concept of how long this has been happening.  For all he knows, this has been going on his entire life.

 

He’s forgotten his mantra.  He knows that he used to have one, but it’s gone now.  Now, all he knows is there is mind-numbing pleasure and soul-crushing pain, and there is no phrase to make it more bearable.  There is no pithy saying to give him hope.

 

There is nothing.

 

Poe’s mind is mostly blank these days, anyways.  He tries to keep it that way.  _Otherwise…_  

 

Poe works very hard to keep his mind blank.

 

But the occasional thought does arise.

 

_Why won’t they just let me die?_

 

Sometimes, when the pain and pleasure stop and he’s awake, he tries to remind himself that he’s a danger to the Resistance.  But more and more, that thought is accompanied by a headache.  Poe whimpers and tries to think of something else instead.  Or better, to think of nothing at all.

 

Sometimes, he has a hard time remembering what the Resistance is, but he feels it’s important, that it needs to be protected.  _Doesn’t it?_

 

_Maybe not._

_I can’t remember._

 

Sometimes, harsh voices speak to him, tell him the kinds of things he’s going to do when they let him go, what he should say, how he should make his way home, and it feels like he’s floating.  Those days are full of pleasure: there’s no pain, just bliss, and it is so hard not to surrender to it, to let it take him over.

 

Some days he chases it.  It’s like a drug.

 

_It isn’t real, Poe._

 

Poe knows that he’s trying to protect himself, but it hurts when he thinks that.

 

_The pleasure will kill me._

 

_None of it is real._

 

There are tears leaking from his eyes.

 

 _Protect the Resistance._   And there’s the familiar pain.  Poe gasps.  Something about the pain makes it true, makes it the thing he needs to believe. 

 

But then there’s the other thing: he might not remember what the Resistance is, but there is a familiar guilt weighing on him, a shame that’s been coiling in his stomach for a long time.  _I’ve failed the Resistance before; I’m going to do it again._

_I’m a traitor._

 

He weeps.

 

_Why won’t they just let me die?_

 

In a moment of clarity, he realizes that if he can’t trust himself not to betray the Resistance, there has to be something else.

 

_Some ideal?_

 

_Some place?_

_Some person?_

 

And one day, in the midst of his screaming and begging, it comes to him: _Finn._

 

There are few things Poe knows with any certainty anymore—besides the cold of the metal table and the agony and ecstasy he rides daily—but one thing that he seems to know in his very bones is that somewhere out in the galaxy, there is a being named Finn.  And Finn is perfect and wonderful and all things good.

 

He loves Finn, and he’d sooner spend the rest of his life chained to this table than ever consciously hurt him.

 

Finn is his goal.  Finn is his dream.  Finn is his one tenuous link to his sanity.

 

And then, the small voice in the back of his mind tells him: _if I go back, I’ll hurt Finn._  

 

His body erupts in pain.

 

But he’s teaching himself that pain is truth.

 

_If I go back, I’ll hurt Finn._

 

He has a new mantra now.

 

* * *

**  
**

**Fifteen months ago…**

 

Poe can’t remember how long he’s been here, but after an hour of sitting on the bench, it’s as if he’s been here his entire life, listening as beings from across the galaxy cross in front of him.  _I’m at a port_. 

 

At least he thinks it’s a port.  He can’t see.  _Have I always been blind_ , he asks himself. 

 

All his thoughts are fuzzy.

 

There is one clear thought in Poe’s head, though, repeating over and over.  He needs to find a communications terminal and contact the Resistance.  His body tells him that is the right thing to do—everything feels light and strong and rested when he thinks about returning to the Resistance.  And somehow, he knows that when he does, his eyesight will return _.  I’ll be able to fly again._ He can remember that _.  I’m Poe Dameron, Colonel in the Resistance, best damn pilot in the galaxy._   That’s important.  _This darkness is only temporary._   He knows that deep in his bones.

 

Yet, there’s an undercurrent to this thought as if he’s forgotten something.  _How did I get here?_

_Where is here?_   Poe feels around him.  He’s still on the bench.  _I’ve been on this bench a long time, right?_  His leg nudges something and his hands confirm that BB-8 is at his feet.  “BB-8, buddy!  I’ve missed you!”  There’s no response.  “Bee?”  The droid is deactivated. 

 

Running his fingers along the top of the droid, feeling the cool metal, a sense memory pops into Poe’s mind.  Strapped to a cold table and then the thought, _If I go back, I’ll hurt Finn_.  Poe’s hand flinches away from Bee.  Pain erupts throughout his body, searing down his sides.  Poe clutches his head.  He gasps and someone comes over.  “Sir?  Sir, are you alright?” 

 

Poe can’t concentrate enough to answer them.  Whoever it is calls for help.  Poe lets out a grunt, wants to give the person his name.  Just as the pain abates, Poe thinks of Finn again and then hears—from a long forgotten memory—the sound of harsh laughter, full of hate, and the pain overtakes him again.  Poe jerks forward, nearly falling off the bench.

 

* * *

 

“Where am I?”

 

“You’re in the med bay at the Incom-2 Port on Coromon-1,” a kind voice replies.  “Fresia,” the voice adds, as if Poe might not know what planet he’s on.  “You had some sort of episode, sir.  Went unconscious.  Do you remember anything?”

 

“Not really.  How long have I been here?”

 

“A few hours,” the voice says.  Whoever it is, they’re fiddling with some equipment. 

 

“The flimsi in your pocket say that you were in a medical facility on Galantos, suffering from injuries sustained during an explosion, that you had temporary amnesia but ident scans confirmed you as…” Whoever it is studies the flimsi.  “…Poe Dameron?  These indicate that you’re on your way to Coruscant.  Did something happen during the transit, sir?”

 

It sounds believable but it doesn’t feel right.  _Something’s off._   His head starts hurting.

 

“Sir?”

 

“Um, yeah?”

 

The voice sounds worried.  “Have you always been blind?”

 

 _I don’t know.  Wait, no._   “No, I lost my sight recently.”

 

“During the explosion?”

 

 _What explosion?_   “Um, yeah,” Poe says.  “Still getting used to it.”  Poe feels around.  _Where’s BB-8?_   “My BeeBee unit?”

 

“It’s here.”  The person steps forward.  “Sir, should I contact someone?  The…”  He steps closer and whispers, “The Resistance, perhaps?” 

 

The _yes_ is nearly out of Poe’s mouth before he stops himself.  The memory of Finn’s face floats up in his mind and for some reason, Poe knows he can’t tell them who he is.  _If I go back…_   The headache is swift, but there’s almost something comforting about it.  _Pain is truth._   Poe drags in a long breath and thinks quickly.  “Uh, no.  They got that ident wrong and forgot to change the paperwork.”  He shakes his head.  “I’m not Poe Dameron.  My name is…Cassian Bey.”  He sighs.  “I don’t have any people, no family, no friends to speak of.  And yeah, I was robbed.  Someone from the transport.  They left me there on the bench.”  It’s a crap story. 

 

“Hmmmmm,” the voice says, clearly agreeing that it is a crap story.  “Well, that might be a bit of a problem…Mr. Bey, was it?”

 

Poe nods.

 

The voice lets out a long sigh.  “Do you have a place to stay, Mr. Bey?  Anyone who can take you in?”

 

“No,” Poe says weakly.  “I was headed to Coruscant looking for work.  I don’t have any money.  Only thing I’ve got left is this BeeBee unit and I’m not going to sell it, so…”

 

“What sort of work do you do, Mr. Bey?”

 

Poe is at a loss.  _I’m a pilot for the Resistance and before that I was a pilot for the Republic.  I’ve done some spying and I’m good with a blaster, so if you need someone for any of that…_   Poe laughs at himself.  “Honestly, I’m good with my hands.  Still trying to get used to being blind, but I don’t shy away from hard work.” 

 

Whoever it is lets out a non-committal _hmmmm_ , and Poe decides to take a chance.  “Look, I know this is all a bit…strange, but I just…I just need to find a place to lie low and sort things out for a while.  Things are…”  He lets out a long breath.  “Things are complicated right now, and I’m just trying to figure out…figure out what my next move is gonna be.  Can you help?”  Poe takes in a deep breath and hopes for the best.

 

* * *

 

The voice belongs to Dr. Archan, who isn’t so much a doctor as the only person with any medical training whatsoever willing to work in the crappy facility at the port.  That bodes well for Poe, though, as Dr. Archan has a soft spot for damaged beings—it’s why he took the job in the first place—and he is kind enough to take Poe in and not ask too many questions. 

 

Dr. Archan has a large family, with several sons and daughters and grandsons and granddaughters living in his not-so-spacious home.  It’s loud and it’s crowded, but Dr. Archan has managed to carve out a room for Poe and Poe alone, which is exactly the kind of space Poe needs while he tries to figure out his next move.

 

Poe is fuzzy on a lot of things—it’s as if he’s woken up from a long dream, and he desperately wants to remember it, but nothing is coming to him—but there are a few things he knows.  One, he is Colonel Poe Dameron of the Resistance.  Two, he can’t tell anyone that because he needs to avoid the Resistance for some reason.  Three, there is pain and there is pleasure.  _Pain is truth and pleasure is dangerous._

 

Poe hasn’t reactivated Bee yet because he knows the moment he does, the droid will want to contact base, and while he doesn’t know for sure why, he knows he can’t do that.  His hands tremor with that thought.  Poe frowns.  _Something happened.  Something bad, and if I go back…_   The headache comes on swiftly.  Tears leak out of Poe’s eyes.

 

When the pain subsides enough that he can think, Poe decides to reprogram BB-8, modify some things to keep it from reaching out.  _This is crazy_ , he thinks.  _Just go back.  Go back to Finn and to your friends and to the General…_ He feels so good, it is ridiculous.

 

“No,” he growls.

 

“No, what,” asks a voice from across the room.

 

Poe jumps and instinctively moves to protect himself.

 

“Ummm,” the young voice says.

 

 _It’s a kid, Dameron.  Stand down_.  Poe takes a deep breath.  “Sorry, didn’t realize anyone was there.”

 

“It’s because you’re blind,” says the young voice.

 

Poe laughs uncomfortably.  “Yeah, still getting used to it.”

 

Whoever it is, they pad closer.  Poe pegs them as somewhere between six and eight years old.  “I’m Cass,” he says.

 

“Lura,” the voice replies.  “They call me Lu.  Grandpa said we should give you space, but you were talking to yourself.”

 

“Thinking out loud.  Grown-ups do that sometimes.”

 

“I do it too,” Lu says.  “Whatcha thinkin’ about?”

 

“I need to reprogram my droid, but I can’t see.”

 

Suddenly, Lu is crawling into his lap.  “Oh, I can help with that.”

 

 _This is wrong.  This is not okay._   Poe fights the urge to pick Lu up and throw her off.  His breathing picks up a bit.  “I’m sure you can, but—”

 

Lu’s voice is cross, “I can!”

 

Poe forces himself to breathe.  _It’s just a kid.  She’s not going to hurt you._

 

“You okay,” Lu asks.

 

Poe shakes his head.  “No, kid.”

 

She takes his hand and squeezes it and Poe doesn’t know whether to laugh or to cry.  “I, uh…”  He pulls his hand from hers.

 

“Oh,” Lu says crawling off him.  “Don’t touch.”  He hears her walk to the table in front of him, her hands picking up things and putting them back down.  “Sorry,” she says.

 

“Yeah,” Poe says.  _What the kriff is wrong with me?_ His hands are shaking.

 

“So?”

 

“What,” Poe manages.

 

“Can I help?  With the droid?”

 

Eventually, when his breathing has evened out, Poe says, “Fine, kid.  You can be my assistant.”

 

* * *

 

It turns out that Lu is a natural with anything mechanical, and Poe is amazed at how well they work together.  After that first meeting, she makes sure to knock and get a reply before entering his space and she never touches him.

 

Poe worries his lip thinking about that.  He’s always been a creature of touch—the first to hug a new recruit, the person who puts a hand on your shoulder or squeezes your hand when you need a pep talk—and now the thought of any of that…

 

Poe runs his hands through his hair.  _It’s too long.  Need to cut it._

 

“Mr. Bey?”

 

“Hmmmmm?

 

“I asked why we’re reprogramming it.”

 

He sighs.  He has figured out that it is easier not to answer questions than to outright lie to the people who are helping him, but Lu very rarely accepts silence as an answer.

 

“I said why, Mr. Bey,” she says again, louder.

 

“Because,” Poe says in a low voice, “Bee knows some things that could be dangerous if it fell into the wrong hands, so I’ve got to make sure to program it, so that it can’t inadvertently hurt anyone.”

 

He can sense Lu contemplating his answer.

 

“So, you’re changing its programming to protect it?”

 

“Exactly,” Poe says.

 

He can feel her nodding.  “Okay,” she says.  A moment later, she adds, “But I still think you’re not giving it enough credit.”

 

* * *

 

He’s been with Dr. Archan and his family nearly a month now, and in the next day or so he and Lu will have Bee’s programming finished.  _I could just stay_ , he thinks, leaning back on his bed.  _They like me and I know my way around the house and…_  It’s a cold feeling in his chest.  _You can’t stay, Dameron._

 

Poe turns and curls up into a ball.  He’s had this same fight with himself every night for the past week.  _You’re hiding._

 

 _Damn right, I’m hiding.  If I go back—_   The pain is swift and terrible.  His hands ball into the sheets and he fights not to yell out.  The Archans think he’s having nightmares.  If Dr. Archan figured out what was really going on, he’d insist that Poe see a real doctor.

 

_Maybe you should._

_No._

 

_What about your leg?  What about your eyes?_

 

_No.  Doctor’s mean questions and possible ident scans._

_But you could see._

 

Poe squeezes his eyes shut and tries not to whimper.  A part of him knows that he’s more than just a pilot, more even than just a Resistance fighter, but here alone in the dark— _it’s always dark now_ , a bitter voice in his head reminds him—he can’t help but think that he’s got nothing left to give.

 

_Worthless._

 

The thought sneaks in, especially when he’s tired or hurting.  And that’s happening more and more lately.  Whatever he’s fighting against is winning.

 

 _If you stay here, you might hurt one of them._   Poe swallows and unclenches his hands.  He’s already figured out that certain noises and unexpected touches trigger him.  So far, he hasn’t hurt anyone, but…

 

 _It’s safe here_ , he thinks to himself.  _It’s safe and I don’t have to think about what I’m supposed to do or who I was and I can just…_

_Hide._

 

Poe grits his teeth.  _I’m not a coward.  I’m doing this to protect them, to protect Finn.  If I go back…_  His hands start trembling and he refuses to finish the thought.

 

 _Get your damn eyes fixed and go back to the Resistance._   The pain goes away, but that’s somehow even worse.  Poe starts crying.  _I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore_ , he thinks.  “I just wanna talk to Finn,” he whispers to the room.  “I just want to see him.”  He pulls his pillow up to his chest, clinging to it.  “Please let this to be over.”

 

There’s no benevolent being listening to him.  No one is going to come and rescue him _.  I have to do this on my own_.  Poe starts rocking back and forth.  He knows that on the workbench next to his bed there’s a small vibroblade _.  It wouldn’t take much_ , he thinks.  _And then, it’d be over._   Pain shoots down both legs.  He stuffs the pillow in his mouth to keep from screaming.

 

When the pain subsides, he leans against the wall, panting, his face streaked in tears.  _I have to get away from these people.  I can’t…  They’ll be better off without me.  Safer._   He sucks in a breath.  _Keep it together, Dameron._

_Yeah, big tough hero._

 

 _Poe Dameron’s no hero_ , he thinks.  _Poe Dameron’s…  Poe Dameron is…_

_Poe Dameron is dead._

 

He slides down into his bed, no will to move, no will to think or to do anything other than just lie back and be still.

 

It’s a small voice.  These days, it usually gets drowned out by the vicious things he thinks to himself, about himself.  But sometimes, he can hear who he’s dubbed Old Poe.  Now, that voice squeaks through.  _You’re doing this for Finn, kid.  If you have to stay blind and be in pain, you’ll do it because it’s for him._

 

Poe laughs mirthlessly. 

 

The voice gets some more force behind it: _If you have to leave to keep this family safe, you’ll do that too.  It’s hard, but you’ve faced hard before._

 

“Not like this,” Poe hisses to himself.

 

_You can do this, Dameron._

_No, you can’t,_ he thinks back at himself.

 

Poe shakes his head, willing all the voices, all the different versions of himself to be quiet.  He buries his head in his hands and cries until there are no more tears, and sometime in the early hours of the morning, he finally drifts off to sleep.

 

* * *

 

“Dr. Archan,” Poe starts.

 

“Mr. Bey, how many times do I have to ask you to call me Treeno?”

 

“Same amount of times I ask you to call me Cass,” Poe answers.

 

“Even though it’s not your real name?”

 

Poe laughs.  “Especially because it’s not my real name.  Got to get used to it.”

 

The doctor leans forward.  “I really wish you’d let me help with whatever trouble you’ve gotten yourself into…Cass.  Or let me get you to a real doctor to look at your eyes.”

 

Poe shakes his head.  “You’ve already done more than enough.  As it is, I think it’s getting dangerous for me to stay here.”

 

“The nightmares,” the doctor asks.

 

“Among other things,” Poe says.  “I don’t think it’s safe for you or me if I stay here.  Especially now that Bee is ready to be reactivated.  It’s a distinctive droid; people will notice.”

 

“What’s your plan,” the doctor asks.

 

“I was hoping you might be able to get me on a freighter to somewhere.  I think it’s wise to keep moving.”

 

The doctor sighs.  “I’m going to be sorry to see you go, Mr. Bey.”

 

“I’m going to be sorry to leave,” Poe says.  _I actually feel normal here.  Useful._   “But it’s for the best.”

 

* * *

 

Poe spends a month in transit to Corellia, happy that he’s been able to reactivate BB-8 without too much fuss.  _Lu did good work_ , he thinks to himself.  Then, the sadder thought, _and_ _it’s good to have a link to my old life._

_His old life.  _ There’s no Poe Dameron anymore.

 

Thankfully, Poe can pretty much lock himself away on the freighter and BB-8 can run small errands and help him avoid other beings.

 

Once they dock, he spends another three-and-a-half months in Coronet City, working for a friend-of-a-friend of Dr. Archan’s.   He develops a talent for minor repair work.  His hands remember wiring and mechanics enough for him to do small jobs. 

 

However, even as Cassian Bey, even in a space where he’s forced himself not to make any friends, not to get too close to anyone, Poe still feels exposed.  And it’s not just because of BB-8.  He’s paranoid about being spotted and so damn tired of the warring voices in his head.

 

Sometimes a voice will dangle the Resistance in front of him; he’ll feel so good he won’t know what to do with himself.  Sometimes, he’ll get the hero speech— _you’re doing this for Finn_ —and the pain will come on so blinding and fast that he’ll taste blood in his mouth.

 

Poe knows that much more of this and he’ll go insane, and by the end of his second month on Corellia, he is already looking for transport out.

 

That’s when he meets Johoon, who tells him about Frina’s ranch on Leritor.  It’s out of the way; they need a handyman, and according to Johoon, Frina is good about keeping her mouth shut.  Plus, he’d pretty much have the basement to himself. 

 

Poe trusts Johoon, but more than that, he’s pining his safety—and his sanity—on the fact that an out-of-the-way place, away from the core, a place where he can hide away from the rest of the galaxy alone, will finally put the voices to rest.

 

It’s too much to hope that the pain will stop.  Poe just needs to stop being at war with himself.

 

_I’ll go to the ranch; I’ll carve out a space there and that will be that._

 

He shakes Johoon’s hand and within the week, he’s on a freighter making his way to Leritor.

 

Poe decides to tell Frina the truth as soon as Johoon’s ship pulls away.  “The name’s not really Cassian Bey.”

 

“Didn’t figure it was,” she says.

 

Poe laughs.  “No one’s bought that name yet.”

 

“What’s your real name?”

 

He pauses.

 

 _Might as well._   “Poe.  Poe Dameron.”  Pleasure floods his system.

 

_Be careful, Poe._

 

She takes in a quick breath.  She knows the name.  He tenses.  “I can’t explain why, but I need to lay low.  I can’t go back to the Resistance, can’t contact them.”  And there’s the pain.  He manages to say, “No one can know I’m here.”

 

“And?”

 

His hands are shaking and he’s praying his face doesn’t betray what he’s feeling.  “And I’m hoping that you’ll agree to keep my secret.”  Poe stuffs his hands into his pockets.  “I’m gonna work.  That was the deal I made with Johoon and I aim to keep up my end of it.  I just didn’t want to lie anymore.”  Frina is silent, so he adds, “I have to disappear to keep my friends safe.  I just want to…  Kriff!”  He kicks at the ground.  “I just want to be useful and not get anyone killed.”  _And I want to quietly disappear.  Please just let me do that._

 

Her hand lands on his arm and she squeezes.  He flinches and she pulls it away quickly.  “Sorry,” she says.

 

Poe shakes his head.  “Just not used to…can’t see it coming and it…”  He takes a breath.  “It’ll get better.”

 

“Okay, Poe Dameron, hero of the Resistance, you can work here, and I’ll keep your secret.  But if you ever do want to get back in touch—”

 

The pleasure comes on so quickly, he feels like he might float away.  “Won’t happen,” Poe says forcefully.  Then, a bit more quietly, “Can’t happen.”

 

 _If I go back…_   He winces as a headache comes on swift and strong.

 

“Okay,” she says.

 

“Frina, you have to promise me.”

 

“Are you sure,” she asks.

 

“Can’t happen,” he repeats.

 

“Okay,” she says, her voice resigned, sad, “I promise.”

 

* * *

 

By his second month on the ranch, the tremors in his hands are non-stop.  The pain behind his eyes starts his fourth month there.  By the seventh month, he has trouble getting out of bed because the pain is so debilitating.  Poe realizes that he’s dying. 

 

_But a part of me knew that was coming, didn’t it?_

_Whatever happened before Fresia…this is how it had to end right?_

_NO!  Go back to the Resistance!_ Poe can’t help the sigh of relief at the thought of it.  His hands stop shaking, the pain behind his eyes is gone.  He takes in a breath and it feels so damn good not to hurt.  _I could just go back._

_Go back to Finn._

_Finn._

 

The tears form before the thought does, he’s trained himself so well:  _If I go back, I’ll hurt Finn._

 

Poe drops his tools and sinks to the floor of his workshop.

 

* * *

 

It’s around this time that he starts retreating to his bedroom.  He stops eating with the others, stops telling the kids his old war stories.  He accepts the inevitability of what is happening.  _It has to be this way._

 

_Because I’m protecting Finn._

 

That’s the only thing that keeps him going.

 

_No one is coming to rescue me._

 

_There is no way to stop the pain._

 

_Just let it happen, Poe…_

 

Poe Dameron has lost his mission.  He’s lost his friends.  He’s lost his sight.

 

But the one thing he hasn’t lost is that spark in his chest whenever he thinks about Finn.

 

 _If I go back, I’ll hurt Finn_ , he thinks with a scream.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of the things I knew when I started writing this was that while Poe was definitely going to see the worst of the galaxy (in terms of the Order), he was also going to meet some fundamentally good beings--like Dr. Archan and Frina--beings who might not be part of the Resistance but who were, in their own ways, trying to make the galaxy a better place. It may be ridiculously optimistic of me (especially given the current climate of the world), but I desperately want to believe that there are many people like that out there in the world.


	4. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it crossing a line, or going too far, to save someone’s life? 
> 
> Can betrayal and devotion look like the same thing?
> 
> What if you’re just trying to help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: past suicide attempt (mentioned); panic attack; canon-typical violence

 

 

Poe doesn’t know how long they’ve been sitting here, down in the basement, weeping and rocking in each other’s arms.  All he knows with any certainty is that this is dangerous because it feels so kriffing good.

 

His head isn’t hurting.  His hands have stopped shaking.  He’s crying out of the sheer joy of how good it feels not to be in pain.  _Go back.  Go back with Finn.  Go back to your old life._

_You could feel like this all the time._

_More._   Poe drifts on the feeling.  He can’t remember the last time anything felt this good.  He leans into Finn.

 

_More._

_Please maker, more._

 

Finn begins stroking the back of Poe’s head and Poe’s whole body reacts.  _I’m a good soldier.  That’s what I do, who I am.  The Resistance is where I belong._

_I could feel like this all the time…_

 

Poe lets out a strange garbled noise and scampers out of Finn’s grasp.  He’s panting as he crawls across the floor.  “Finn, buddy, no.  You have to go.  It isn’t…” Pain erupts behind both eyes.  “You have to go,” he manages, grasping his head and putting his forehead on the floor.

 

“Poe?”

 

“Please,” Poe begs.  _Please touch me again.  Make the pain go away_.  “Go,” he bites out.

 

* * *

 

Finn paces in front of the communications terminal, both hands on top of his head.  _Come on.  Come on._

 

He finally managed to carry Poe back to his bed, where he’s sleeping, and frankly, Finn is grateful because he’s not sure how much longer he could’ve dealt with the waves of pure ecstasy and anguish erupting off Poe through the Force.  Everything was so garbled and…  Finn closes his eyes.  _Come on_ , he thinks to the terminal.  _Just answer me already!_

 

He brings his hands down, wishing he knew what to do.  _Could just take him.  While he’s unconscious._   He closes his eyes.  _You can’t do that._

_Then, what brain?  What am I supposed to do here, huh?_ He kicks a stack of crates behind him. 

 

The link opens and Rey’s torso glows in blue in front of him.  Finn jogs over and sits.

 

“Finn,” she says with a smile that falls the instant she sees his face.  “Finn, what’s wrong?”

 

_Where to begin?_   Finn shakes his head.  “Rey, do you think you can come to Leritor?”

 

“Leritor?  What’s wrong?”

 

_Everything._

 

He sighs.  “I can’t talk about it over the comm, but I need your help.  Do you think you can come to the coordinates I’m sending you now?  Maybe don’t tell the General or Master Skywalker?”

 

“Finn?”

 

“Rey, I need you to trust me and I really need you here as soon as possible.”

 

Rey’s eyes grow wide, but then she straightens her shoulders and gives Finn a curt nod.  “I’ll be on my ship in ten minutes.”

 

* * *

 

“Someone has done something to his mind,” Rey says, grimacing.  She’s spent the better part of the last hour following a very grumpy Poe Dameron around. 

 

Poe, for his part, threw things at her, yelled, tried to bribe the children to distract her.  At one point, he locked himself in his room. 

 

Rey is standing outside with Finn, hugging herself and staring off into the distance.  After the initial shock of finding out Poe is alive, she’s been numb.  She’s still having trouble believing it.  “I can’t say who, or what they did exactly.”

 

“The Order,” Finn says.

 

“That would be my guess,” Rey says.  She puts a hand on Finn’s shoulder.  “He’s scared.  He knows that something is wrong, but he’s absolutely terrified of going back to the Resistance.”

 

“Fragging hell,” Finn mutters. “I wanted to talk him into leaving with us—”

 

“Finn, we can’t take him back to base.  They could have—”

 

“What?  Reconditioned him?  Planted ideas in his head?  Brainwashed him?”  Finn huffs out a laugh.  “No, Rey, I’m acutely aware of what they could’ve done to him because they probably did it to me at some point.  Besides, he’s fighting it.”  Finn closes his eyes.  “And I know if they’ve reprogrammed him or heck, if they are tracking him, then putting him on base would be a nightmare, but...”  He looks around Frina’s ranch.  “We can’t leave him here, either.  He needs medical attention.”

 

“He doesn’t want to come.”

 

Finn bites his cheek and then pulls a tranquilizer dart out of his jacket.  “If it comes down to it…”

 

“Finn,” Rey says, “no!  Do you really want to drug him and drag him out of here against his will?”

 

“He’s going to die if he stays.”

 

“Finn, we can’t…”  She falters.

 

Finn throws his head back and looks at the sky, roughly wiping the tears from his eyes.  “Don’t you think I know how bad this is,” he whispers.  _Don’t you think I’m aware of all the lines I’m crossing?_

 

Rey frowns.  “Finn, he came here for a reason.  Do you really want—”

 

“Want,” Finn asks.  “Do I _want_ to kidnap my boyfriend and force him to get help?  No, Rey.  None of this is what I _want_.”  He shakes his head and walks to the fence surrounding the property, leaning on it.  “This is so fucking kriffed up,” he mutters.

 

Rey walks over to him.  “It’s just…”  She shakes her head and looks out into the distance.

 

“Rey, he’s going to die if we don’t get him out of here.”

 

_I know, but…_    Rey sighs.  _He’s right._   “Fine.  What do you want me to do?”

 

“Contact the General,” Finn says.

 

* * *

 

“Poe, you have to come with us,” Finn says, “we can get you the medical attention you need.  We can fix this.”

 

“No, you can’t,” Poe says, his voice low.  He’s backed into a corner of his workshop with his hands out in a defensive posture.   _I won’t let you._   “Besides, it doesn’t matter.  I’m not leaving.”  He works to keep his hands from shaking.  Finally, he shoves them in his pockets.

 

“Dammit, Poe,” Finn yells.  Poe flinches from him.  Rey stands to the side, frowning.  _Finn, please keep it together._ Finn looks over and after a moment of silent battle with her, closes his eyes and nods.  _I’ll play nice._   His voice is much quieter as he starts, “Poe—”

 

“Look, you and Rey should go back.  The Resistance needs you.”

 

“It needs you too,” Finn says.

 

“It hasn’t needed me in a long time,” Poe says.

 

“Dammit, Poe,” Finn says, his voice rising slightly.  Rey’s frown grows.  He begins pacing.  He looks at Rey, imploring her to jump in.  _A little help, please?_

 

Poe is forcing his breathing to remain calm.  “I’m not going to change my mind.”

 

Finn shoots another look at Rey. 

 

_What in the kriff am I supposed to say?_  She steps forward.  “Poe, I can feel the pain you’re in.”

 

Poe winces, but quickly masks his face.  “Rey…”

 

“No, you’re gonna listen to her!”  Poe’s hands go back up in front of him.  Rey wants to weep at the sight.  Finn ignores them both, saying to Rey, “Go on.”

 

She takes a breath and makes herself sound calm.  “We can help with the pain.”  She looks around the basement.  “I know that you think you’re protecting us, but you don’t have to do this.  Hiding out here and letting yourself die isn’t the answer—”

 

Poe roars, “If I go back, I’ll hurt…,” he clenches his teeth as he growls, “I AM NOT GOING BACK.”  Poe grabs his head and squeezes his eyes shut.  Rey reaches out to touch him.  He jerks away from her.  “Rey, please, just go,” he begs.  There are tears streaking his cheeks.  “Just take him and go.  Please.”  His hands drop and he balls them into fists. 

 

Rey is having a hard time just being near him—the tremors in the Force radiating off Poe are hellish.  She looks to Finn.  He has to be feeling it too.  _We can’t do this to him, Finn_.  _Please._

 

Finn ignores her.  He crosses his arms in front of his chest.  “So that’s it,” Finn asks, “You’re just gonna curl up and die, abandon me and everyone else and—”

 

“Everyone else is fine!”  Poe falls back against a table, panting.  _Please maker, just let me die._

 

Rey pulls her arms around herself, hugging.  She squeezes her eyes shut.  _How is he still even standing?_   The pain is making her sick.

 

Finn feels like he’s been hit by a tidal wave, but he keeps talking.  “No, they aren’t fine!  Leia is hurting.  Kes is devastated, and Jess is a mess!  Did you even stop to think about her?  What’s she’s gone through?”

 

“What are you talking about?  Why is Jess so kriffing special?”

 

“You don’t remember,” Rey whispers.

 

“Remember what?”

 

Rey exchanges a glance with Finn, who nods.  “You were killed protecting Jess,” she says.

 

“Fragging hell,” Poe whispers.  _It was the first thought I had when I was on…_   He nearly gags on the pain.  He sways a bit on his feet.

 

“She blames herself,” Finn adds.

 

_Oh fuck._   Poe chokes on a breath and doubles over.  He starts coughing.  As Rey moves towards him, he holds a hand out.  “No,” he manages.  He takes a breath, waiting for the pain to subside.  He then rises and turns to Finn.  “And you think it will be better if I come back?  Blind?  How do you think she’s going to feel then, huh?”

 

"I think she'll be happy you're alive.  She hasn't been the same, Poe.  None of us have."

 

“That’s war, Finn!  You lose people; you move on.  Because you have to!  Why can’t you just pretend like you never found me?  Just go back and tell them that it was a mistake; it’s not me.”  _Just let me die in peace._

 

“You’re really going to do that to Kes?”

 

For these last several months, Poe has deliberately tried not to think of his father.  The idea that he might be causing his father any pain is just too much to deal with, and knowing that he can’t reach out, talk to Kes and explain things, has been its own special kind of torture.

 

Rey can feel Poe’s guilt.  _Finn, don’t push it_ , she warns with her eyes.

 

Finn ignores her.  “I should just lie to Kes, then, huh?”

 

“Don’t go there, Finn,” Poe says—his voice has a dangerous edge to it.

 

Rey’s eyes are pleading, but Finn continues to ignore her.  “Oh good.  That got you angry.  Come on, Poe.  Come at me!  I’d rather have angry Poe than this self-centered martyr we’ve been dealing with—”

 

Poe charges forward, ramming into Finn with a solid hit to his chest.  Finn staggers back, grabbing at Poe and pulling him into a scuffle.

 

Suddenly, eighteen months of worry and fear and loss are coming out as Finn tries to push Poe off, and Poe just wants someone else to hurt like he does.  He’s weak, but he’s trying to throw punches, do anything so that he doesn’t have to focus on his pain and guilt and sadness.

 

Rey yells, “Stop it!”  Poe starts grabbing at Finn’s arms, scratching.  “Stop it!”  Rey is shaking her head, tears leak from her eyes.  “Stop it,” she yells again.  She steps forward and reaches out with the Force, separating the two.

 

“Dammit, Rey,” Finn says.

 

“Let me go, Rey,” Poe barks.

 

“No, the two of you are behaving like children.  Enough!”  Rey looks between them.  “Poe, I can see into your mind.  I know that someone has done something to you.  My best guess is that the First Order has—”

 

Poe begins screaming.

 

“Poe,” Rey asks, panicking.  She lets go of him and he crumples to the ground, curling up on himself.

 

_Fuck._   Finn runs to him.  “Poe,” he says softly, scooping him up.  “We’re going to get you to a doctor and then when we’ve figured this out, we’re going to take you back to the Resistance.”

 

Poe whimpers.  It feels so good.  “Please,” he whispers.  “You don’t understand.  You can’t…”

 

Finn kisses Poe’s forehead and looks to Rey, pleading.  “Finn,” she says.  _We can’t keep doing this to him._

 

Finn ignores her, holding Poe a bit tighter.  He whispers, “Poe, what do you mean?”

 

Poe opens his mouth.  He has no idea how to tell them what they need to hear to get them to just leave him alone _._   He grits his teeth and sucks in a long breath.  “Finn, if I go back—”

 

There is yelling throughout the ranch.  Rey runs to the door just as Frina comes rushing in.  “The First Order has broken atmo.  You have to leave.  Now!”

 

“Fuck,” Finn yells.

 

“Leave,” Poe screams, grasping his head.  “Please just go!”

 

BB-8 comes rolling in, screeching.  [Friend-Finn!  Friend-Rey!  They’ll be here in under ten minutes!]

 

Rey turns to Frina, “You have any weapons?”

 

“Not enough,” Frina says.

 

“I’ll help,” Rey says and Frina is already running back down the hall.

 

“Go,” Poe bites out.

 

Finn leans into Poe.  “I’m so sorry, baby.”  He pulls the tranquilizer dart from his jacket and stabs Poe in the arm.  Poe yells and then slumps over.  Finn looks to Rey, imploring her not to judge him too harshly.  “Help me get him to the ship.”

 

* * *

 

Rey makes sure that Finn is lifting off before she turns, pulling out her lightsaber and igniting it.  “How long till they’re here,” she asks the Twi’lek standing next to her.

 

“Any moment now,” Frina says, adding, “We didn’t get a chance earlier.  I’m Frina.”

 

“Rey.”  Rey watches as children scatter to what she assumes are hiding places.  Other beings are grabbing weapons.  Rey notices, sadly, that not all the weapons are blasters.  _This is going to be a bloodbath._

 

BB-8 comes squealing up to her.  “Go help get beings to safety,” she barks and the droid is already rolling away.

 

Finn is on his comms, talking to the Resistance, begging for assistance.  The General dispatches Blue Squadron before he makes the jump to hyperspace.

 

* * *

 

Rey sits next to a wounded Frina while Jess and Snap help with clean-up and casualties.  

 

It was fast and bloody. 

 

The Order have decimated the ranch.  The structures are gone, and by Rey’s quick scan of the destruction, they killed nearly half of its residents.  She wipes her eyes, staring at the shell-shocked survivors.

 

_Still_ , she thinks, _it could’ve been worse._

 

She closes her eyes.  _And these beings could’ve been left alone to live their lives in peace_.  She shakes her head.  _At least Finn got away, right_?  She sends out good thoughts to him and Poe, trying not to think too hard about how Poe’s going to feel when he wakes up.

 

She turns to watch Snap and Jess.  _Thank goodness for the X-wings._ Jess looks over and waves.  Rey manages a weak smile for her girlfriend. _None of us would’ve made it otherwise_.

 

Frina puts her hand over Rey’s.  “Rey?”

 

“Hmmmmm,” Rey asks, snapping out of her daze.

 

“I asked if you were okay?”

 

“Mmmmmm-hmmmmm,” Rey nods.  “Why,” she hears herself asking.

 

“What?”

 

“Why did they attack,” Rey asks.

 

Frina slouches a bit as she says, “Do the First Order ever need a reason?”

 

“Perhaps,” Rey muses.  “But why now?”

 

“Do you think it’s connected to Poe,” Frina asks.

 

_I think it’s connected to me and Finn_.  Rey frowns.  “I don’t know, but…”

 

Frina nods.  “Whether it is or not, he’s going to blame himself.”

 

Rey closes her eyes and tries to find her calm.

 

* * *

 

Poe wakes up to the sound of machines and droids and people talking.  It takes him a few moments to realize, _Kriffing hell, I’m in a med bay_.  And then the full implication of that settles in.  _NOOOOOOOO.  He brought me back to base_.

 

His system is flooded with endorphins and for a few minutes, he’s floating.  He’s never been one for heavy drugs or drinking—it interferes with one’s reflexes and Poe has always wanted to remain sharp: _can’t be the best pilot in the galaxy if your senses are dull_ —but right now, he thinks he understands the attraction.  He takes a deep breath and smiles.  _This is how it was always supposed to be_.

 

Poe tries to sit up and the floaty feeling disappears almost instantly.  He can’t move.  For a fleeting moment, he fears he’s been paralyzed.  Then, he realizes that his arms and legs are tied to his bed.  “What in the name of…  Finn,” he yells.

 

Someone comes running in.  “Mister Andor, you’re awake,” an unfamiliar voice says. 

 

“Finn!”

 

“Mr. Andor?  Can we help you?”

 

“Who are you?”

 

“Sir, I’m one of the nurses.”

 

“No,” Poe whimpers.  _I know all the nurses on base_.

“Mr. Andor, let me call the doctor…”

 

_Andor?_

_Who is Andor?_

_Cassian Andor?_

_Finn, what the fuck are you playing at here?_ “Finn?”

 

“Um, sir?”

 

_I’m not on base!_ Poe relaxes slightly.  _Which means_ _he’s using fake names.  Cassian Andor and…_ Poe wants to laugh.  “Rook?  Where’s Mr. Rook?”

 

“Oh, the gentleman who brought you in?  Yes,” the voice says.  “He’s talking to one of the doctors.  He’ll be back soon.  Is there anything I can do in the meantime?”

 

“I’d like to get up,” Poe says.

 

“Ummmmmm...”

 

Poe starts struggling against the restraints.  “Just untie me,” he says.

 

“Uh, I’m afraid I can’t do that, sir.  You’ve been identified as a possible flight risk.”

 

“I’m kriffing blind, you idiot.  I’m not gonna get very far.”  Poe tries to pull even harder.  “Let me the kriff outta this right now or I swear on all that is—”

 

“Mister Andor,” says a stern voice.  “Is everything okay?”

 

_Someone new._ Poe’s panic flares.  “No, it isn’t.  You want to untie me?”

 

“I’m afraid we can’t do that.  Your partner said that you might—”

 

“I don’t give a fragging fuck what _my partner_ said; untie me now,” Poe roars. 

 

He hears more people entering the room, and he feels trapped.  His whole frame is shaking; he jerks his arms and legs against the restraints.  “FINN!” 

 

They’re surrounding the bed now.  He screams, “FINN!  FINN!  WHERE ARE YOU?!?!  FIIIIIIINNNNN!” 

 

Someone pokes his arm and he immediately drifts off to nothingness.

 

* * *

 

Finn has a hard look on his face. The staff here are Resistance-friendly— _hell, the General was the one who suggested this place_ —but Finn isn’t taking any chances, and he absolutely hates that he’s probably put these beings in danger just by bringing Poe here, but…  _There are no buts.  I’m being selfish._

_I don’t care._

 

Dr. Weoke walks up next to him.  “Do you want to go in?”

 

Poe is thrashing in his sleep, but if his mumbling is any indication, Finn is on his mind.  Finn winces as Poe sobs out his name.  _Yes, I want to go in and hold him and tell him everything is going to be okay._   “No.” 

 

_Just get it over with_.  Finn turns to the doctor.  “What can you tell me?”

 

“The damage to his eyes is repairable.  I don’t know how much of his sight he’ll be able to get back, given how long he’s gone without proper treatment, but I’m fairly confident he’ll get some back.”

 

“Some?”

 

“If he’d seen a doctor immediately after the injury, it might’ve been different, but…”  The doctor frowns.  “We’ll try to restore as much as possible.”

 

Finn nods.  There’s another question he needs to ask _—will he be able to fly again—_ but he can’t bring himself to ask it because he’s pretty sure he already knows the answer.  He’s starting to feel sick.  “What else,” he manages instead.

 

“A broken leg that wasn’t set correctly.  We’re going to have to re-break it and set it properly.  Some bruises.  Evidence of broken ribs and fingers.  We’re going to take those on a case-by-case basis after we deal with the leg.  Most of the trauma to his head we think was caused by the explosion you told us about, and some of it was already treated.”  She frowns at that.  “The rest of his injuries…” 

 

Finn says, “They tortured him.”

 

Dr. Weoke nods.  “Fairly extensively,” she says.  “There’s some scaring on his back and arms, as well.  Seems they were—”

 

Finn puts up a hand.  “I don’t need the particulars,” he says.

 

“There’s also the…”  The doctor looks at her datapad.  “From what you’ve told me, most of these injuries would’ve been sustained fourteen to eighteen months ago?”

 

“Yes,” Finn says, feeling like the world is about to drop out from under his feet.

 

“That’s what I thought.”

 

“What,” Finn asks.

 

She sighs.  “An injury to his left arm.  Fairly recent, within the last month or so.  It was treated, so it might have been some sort of accident, but given the nature and the location of the cut…”

 

Finn wobbles.  “He was trying to…” _kill himself?_

 

“Perhaps,” Dr. Weoke says.  “We’ll know more when he isn’t sedated.”

 

Finn nods, going numb.  “I’ll ask Frina.  She would know, but,” Finn shakes his head, feeling suddenly disloyal and angry and a million other impossible-to-place emotions, “that would fit with other things she’s told me.” 

 

Dr. Weoke puts her hand on Finn’s shoulder.  “We’ll keep him under supervision.”  Finn stares into Poe’s room, hating that it’s come to this.  Dr. Weoke squeezes his shoulder.  “We’ll get him the help he needs, Mr. Rook.  We’re going to treat the physical injuries, but we’ll also get him a good therapist.”

 

Finn rocks forward on his feet.  _It probably isn’t going to help that I kidnapped him here and we have him tied down._   He wraps his hands around himself.  “They reconditioned him.  The First Order.  He knows it, but he can’t tell us what they did.  It seems to work by producing pain.”

 

Dr. Weoke nods.  “I’ve already called in an associate from Coruscant.  She’ll be here tomorrow.  That is her area of expertise.”

 

Finn nods.  “He’s dying,” he whispers.

 

Dr. Weoke shakes her head.  “He’s relatively healthy.  The pain is in his mind.”

 

Finn turns to her.  “And it’s killing him,” he says.  “He’s been fighting the conditioning for months, doctor.  I’m not sure how much longer he’ll be able to hold on.”

 

* * *

 

They’ve managed to get FInn a room with the doctors and nurses in the southern wing of the medical center.  Finn looks around.  It’s small, but it has a bed, a private fresher, and a communications terminal.  “That’s all I need,” he says to himself, pulling off his shirt and collapsing face-first onto the bed.

 

His boots are killing him, but he doesn’t have the energy to reach down and undo them just yet.

 

_This isn’t how this was supposed to go._

 

He laughs into the bedding.  _How was it supposed to go exactly?_

 

He can see the fairy tale he crafted in his mind.  Poe running into his arms, saying “buddy” as they hold each other.  The two of them laughing as they run up the ramp of the transport to go back to base.

 

Finn squeezes his eyes shut, letting the tears burn his eyes a bit.  He sits up and reaches down, quickly undoing his boots and kicking them off. _Such a kriffing mess._

_FUCK!_

_THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!_

 

He gets up with a growl and punches the wall in front of him.  He yells as he stumbles back.  _Kriff!_  

 

He looks down at his knuckles, which are scraped and bleeding.  He tries out his fingers and realizes he damn near broke his own hand. 

 

_What the fuck, Finn?_

 

He sighs, walking to the fresher.  He refuses to think about why he just did what he did.  Instead, he runs his hand under cold water for two full minutes, just staring at it and enjoying how the cold pricks at his skin.  He finds a cloth and wraps his hand up.  He comes back into the room.

 

He looks around.

 

Someone delivered his duffle earlier today.  He walks to it and fishes out his datapad.  He flicks it on.

 

There’s a message from Rey.  Finn lets out a long sigh _.  So at least she’s alive_.  He sends a prayer up to the maker that the rest of Frina’s ranch is okay.

 

He starts making a list.  _Need to contact the General and respond to Rey.  Need to tell Clay he’s still in charge for the foreseeable future.  Need to talk to…_

 

He puts down the datapad.  Right now, all he wants to do is crawl into bed and try to forget that any of this has happened.  He wants to close his eyes and get lost in some beautiful dream where he doesn’t have to face any of this.  Finn pushes his lips together.  _But that’s not what I get to do, is it?_

 

He stretches his neck and looks up at the ceiling.  _Fuck, I do not want to do this._

 

_It won’t get any easier if you wait._

 

_Fuck._

 

He drags a shirt out of the duffle and stomps towards the communications terminal, turning it on.  _Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._

 

He lets out a long breath.

 

_I have to do it._

 

He clenches both hands, fighting the urge to hit something, anything.  _FUUUUUUUUCK!_

 

He pulls on the shirt, sits at the terminal, and presses in a familiar code.

 

He waits.  _What the fuck am I supposed to say?_

 

The line clicks on and a familiar face glows blue in front of him.  “I have some news, Kes.”

 

* * *

 

It doesn’t take long for the rumors to start swirling around base after Rey returns with BB-8.

 

“Wait, he’s been alive all this time and he just _chose_ to stay hidden away,” one solider whispers to another as Karé walks past the line in the mess.  She shoots him a deadly stare and he nods to his friend, moving forward quickly.

 

As she sits down next to Iolo, the group can read it on her face.

 

“I guess the news about Poe has spread,” Snap says.

 

“Yeah,” Karé says, “and people aren’t happy about it.”

 

“You blame them,” Iolo asks.

 

“Really,” Snap asks.  “You aren’t going to give him the benefit of the doubt?   This is Poe we’re talking about, man.”

 

“Yeah, I know that.  I also know how devastated we all were when we thought he was dead.”  He nods to a table across the way where Rey and Jess are leaned into each other having an animated—if not downright heated—discussion.  “That one hasn’t been the same.  And don’t get me started on Finn.”

 

“I think Finn can take care of himself,” Snap says.

 

Iolo shakes his head.  “I just want an explanation.”

 

Karé works to keep her voice even as she says, “If Poe didn’t contact us, he had his reasons, and I am not going to sit here and tear the man apart without knowing the full story.  Especially as he isn’t here to defend himself.”  Karé fixes her eyes on Iolo’s.  “Besides, I’d like to think if any of us disappeared and then reappeared two years later, Poe would have our backs.”  She rises and walks away.

 

Iolo turns to Snap.

 

“Don’t look at me.  Poe’s saved my life enough times, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.”  Snap digs into his food in silence.

 

* * *

 

Poe wakes up.  He’s still tied to his bed.  “Fragging hell.”

 

“Sorry about that,” Finn says.  _But not as much as I should be_.

 

“Then untie me,” Poe spits out.

 

“Not until we’re sure you won’t hurt yourself,” Finn says, the anger clear in his voice.  _You kriffing bastard.  You tried to kill yourself?!?_

 

“What the kriff, Finn?”

 

“You wanna tell me about the gash on your arm?”

 

“Fuck,” Poe whispers.  “No one can kriffing leave it alone, can they?  I don’t get any fucking say in my life anymore, do I?”

 

“Not if you’re going to end it!”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Poe, this is for your own good.”

 

“Finn, I’m so not in the mood,” Poe says.  “Where’s Bee,” he demands.

 

“Bee’s with Rey,” Finn answers.

 

“Fine.  Goodbye,” Poe says.

 

Finn is trying so hard not to lose his cool.  “Yeah, this can’t wait.  It’s the first time you haven’t been sedated and there’s something I need to tell you.”

 

“It sure as hell better not be that you love me,” Poe spits out.

 

Finn bristles.  “No.”  _Although I do.  I always will._ “It’s about Frina and the ranch.”

 

“What about them?”

 

“The First Order attacked as I was getting you out.”

 

Poe’s whole countenance changes.  It’s disheartening to watch anger transform into dread so quickly.  “How bad,” Poe manages.

 

“About thirty dead.  The structures are gone.”

 

“Fuck,” Poe exhales.  “Frina?”

 

“She’s okay.  Banged up her arm, but otherwise, she’s good.  Rey took her back to base.”

 

Poe closes his eyes, feeling the burn of tears on his skin and wishing Finn would just leave so he could cry in peace.  He nods.  “Why,” he croaks out.

 

“We don’t know.”

 

_No.  We know.  We just aren’t saying_.  “Tell me this isn’t my fault, Finn, I dare you.”

 

“Poe, this isn’t your fault and you know it!  Or did I miss your promotion to supreme leader of the First Oder?”

 

“Fuck you!  You know damn well that they attacked because I was there.  Kriffing hell,” Poe hits his fist against the bed, his restraints pulling tight.  “I put all of those beings at risk.”  He leans his head back.  “Fuuuuuuck.”

 

Finn takes in a deep breath.  “You had no way of knowing…”

 

“Yeah, right,” Poe says.

 

“Dammit, Poe, would you just stop!  I am so tired of your self-pitying martyrdom!  Work with me here,” Finn begs.

 

“Work with you?”  Poe laughs bitterly.  “Fine, Finn.  I’ll work with you.  What do you want?  You want me to get my sight back, start flying again?  Maybe we can go down to the mess and joke around with the guys?  That sounds like fun!  Why don’t we just forget the last two years happened, okay?  Yeah, that sounds great.  Let’s get back to work!”

 

“Poe.”

 

“No, Finn, I’m trying to work with you here.  I mean you’ve tied me to a banthafucking bed in a strange place and the Order has just killed a bunch of my friends, but you’re right, I need to check my attitude, get with the program.”

 

“Poe, I get that—” 

 

Poe spits out, “No.  You don’t get shit, Finn.  Poe Dameron is dead.  Dead!  Do you hear me?  He is dead, and he’s never comin’ back, and I’m the sorry thing that’s left in his place.” 

 

Finn steps closer.  His hand hovers just over Poe’s.  It’s killing him not to touch Poe, to try to comfort him, to convince him that he’s loved and valued and needed.

 

Poe’s voice is hoarse from all the screaming he’s done in the past few days, and it gets rougher as he says, “I was trying to protect you.  Maker knows I couldn’t protect the Resistance—we all remember how I broke on the Finalizer—but I figured I could protect _you_ , Finn!  That’s what kept me going.”  He winces in pain and Finn nearly reaches out and touches him, but Finn knows that will just make it worse.

 

“And now, now you’re…”  Every fiber of Poe’s being hurts.  He’s panting, but he’s determined to get this out.  “And now you’ve brought me here, and you want me to…”  It feels like he’s drowning.  _No, I’m gonna do this_.  “You’ve gotta understand, Finn.”  His head hits the pillow, and he starts sending every sense memory he can muster to Finn: a cold table, harsh laughter, pain—so much pain.  He is shaking and covered in sweat as he finally begins to speak, “They… they did something to me…  I can’t…I can’t go back.”  He barely has a voice as he whispers, “I don’t…  I...I can’t…”  He’s pleading now, begging, “Just…just let me do what I have to do.” 

Finn’s voice is tiny.  “You want me to let you die?”

 

Poe reaches out and Finn grabs his hand like a lifeline, clutching it.  Finn can feel how Poe’s whole body is trembling.  He starts crying.  He opens his mouth, but before he can say anything, Poe faints dead away.

 

Finn has felt it all—everything Poe sent in a huge jumble of hurt, terror, devotion, confusion, and…  Finn shakes his head.  _It’s too much_.  He steps back, dropping Poe’s hand, desperately trying to catch his breath.  He grabs his head, begging it to all go away.

 

After a moment, he looks back at the bed where Poe is deathly still.  “Poe?”  Finn’s mind goes blank; he freezes.  “Poe?”  _Is he breathing?_

 

_No, you can’t die.  Not now._

_No._

 

Finn blinks.  _Need help._

 

_Someone help!_

 

He gulps in a huge breath.  “Help.”  It’s like one of those nightmares where he doesn’t have a voice.  “Help.”  _Oh maker, no.  Not now._    “Help.”  _Someone help.  Help.  Helphelphelphelp_.  He can’t breathe.  “Help.”  He finally starts yelling, “Help!”  He screams, “Help!  SOMEONE HELP ME!”

 

Dr. Weoke and two nurses rush into the room.  They immediately descend on the bed.  “I’ve got a pulse but it’s weak.”  They’re yelling as droids come in, and there is so much noise.  Finn is shaking.  He backs out of the room.  He has to get away from the noise.

 

He stumbles down the hall.  _I’ve made it worse_ , he keeps thinking _.  I’ve made everything worse_.

He makes it all the way back to his quarters before he throws up.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, I wanted to warn you. I’m going to be traveling next week, so there is a 50-50 chance I may not be able to post next Tuesday. I’m going to try, but it will all depend on if I’m in a place with reliable internet. If I’m not, I promise I will resume posting on Tuesday, June 6th.


	5. Returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: suicidal thoughts

 

 

Leia frowns at the datapad, letting it fall with a clang onto her desk.  She sits back with her eyes closed _.  I lied to you.  I lied to all of you because that was the most judicious course of action, and that’s my job.  And I’d do it again in a heartbeat._  

 

Leia takes a deep breath, hating herself and hating this war and hating the fact that sometime—a long, long time ago—she became hard. 

 

 _Maybe I was always hard_ , she thinks, sparing a quick moment to wonder if Bail and Breha would be proud or worried.  Then she lets a familiar mantra fill her head: _I have a job to do_.

 

She chuckles as she opens her eyes.  _This would be so much easier if I could just be honest: “Poe is alive.  He’s alive and he’s hurting and he doesn’t want you to know, doesn’t want me to know…”  And I’m trying not to be hurt by that, but…_ She gets up and walks to the far wall of her office where there is a panel affording her a view of command.  There’s the usual hustle and bustle, but in the far corner, Rey catches her eye.

 

The young woman is sitting at a communications terminal talking to Finn.  Leia is deliberately trying to give him his space.  That’s why Rey is handling the comm.  Leia provided the name of a medical facility run by an old friend—Dr. Weoke—and she sent Blue Squadron to chase away the Order on Leritor, but she’s letting Finn take the lead on this, do what _he_ thinks is right.  _He has to figure this out on his own._

 

Leia shakes her head and walks back to her desk.  She glances at the datapad and closes her eyes again, trying to force away an oncoming headache.  _This is such a kriffing mess._

 

She sits and stares at the memo she’s been working on for two days.  She shakes her head.  _There is no good way to say it._

_Dammit, Poe._

 

Leia takes a deep breath and starts typing.

 

A few minutes later, Rey walks into the General’s office.  Leia looks up.  “How’s Finn?”

 

“Not…”  Rey frowns.  “I don’t think he’s sleeping.”  Her forehead crinkles.   “And there was an episode with Poe that…”  She shakes her head.  “Poe’s fine, but whatever happened has Finn on edge.  I’m worried about him.”

 

Leia puts down her datapad and walks to Rey, motioning to her desk as she leans against it.  “I take it that Poe is still…” 

 

“Angry,” Rey says.  “Very angry.”  Rey leans against the desk next to her. 

 

“What did we expect,” Leia mutters.

 

“A happy ending?”

 

Leia laughs.  “No, I’ve seen too much to start believing in those again.”  She crosses her arms.  “I was hoping that…”  She shakes her head.  “I don’t know what I was hoping.”

 

“We wanted it for Finn.”

 

“Not just for Finn,” Leia says.  _For all of us._

 

Rey can’t help herself: “You knew, didn’t you?  About Poe?”

 

“I knew,” Leia says with a sigh.  “Finn’s connection is stronger, but…I could feel him too.”  And she’s not just thinking about Poe now.  She can’t help but reach out, for just a moment, and try to sense where he is—the man who used to be Ben Solo.

 

Rey can feel the air around them ripple and then still.  It frightens her.  “General?”

 

Leia seems to snap out of a dream.  “Yes?”

 

“I think you’re going to have to make some sort of announcement,” she says.  “Enough beings have seen Bee and there are rumors going around…”  _And beings are angry_.

 

Leia points to her datapad.  “I’ve been working on that.”  She walks back around her desk, picking the datapad up and scanning what she’s written.  “But, it requires some…finesse.”

 

Rey nods.  “Finn’s already told Kes.”

 

“Good.”  _I should reach out to him too_.

 

Rey stares at her feet.  “I understand that there are reasons why we probably shouldn’t tell everyone everything, but I’d like permission to tell a few beings a bit more about Poe’s…situation,” Rey says.

 

“Who,” Leia asks.

 

“Jess, for one.  Karé, Snap, and Iolo, too.”

 

“What exactly do you want to tell them?”

 

“Everything.  That we suspect reconditioning.  That he’s been keeping himself away to protect us.”  Rey frowns.  “Jess is…  I think it might help her.” 

 

“I think we can trust that group to keep things to themselves.  It might even be helpful to bring in some extra minds on the problem.”  Rey winces at the idea that Poe is a problem.  Leia doesn’t miss it.  “But I think that _I_ should be the one to tell them.  That group…I need to make sure no one is going to go do anything rash.”

 

“We don’t have enough information to do something rash,” Rey says.

 

“Not yet,” Leia adds, settling back into her chair.

 

Rey gives her a puzzled look.

 

Leia looks up at the young woman and smiles.  “You really think they’re the only ones who might want a little vengeance?”

 

Rey is suddenly reminded of how different the Skywalker twins really are.  She’s both a little afraid of the General and secretly a bit thrilled at the prospect of making someone pay for what they’ve done to Poe.  _I wonder what Luke would make of that?_

 

Rey straightens her shoulders, ignoring that thought.  “I’d also like to do some work on BB-8,” she says.  “I think if I can find Poe’s new programming, I might be able to override it.”

 

Leia nods, and with a slight chuckle adds, “I think even Bee will be on board with that.” 

 

* * *

 

 

The woman hums, staring at her datapad.  Finn resists the urge to start pacing again.  Dr. Weoke has already had to stop him twice.  “So,” Finn asks.

 

The woman looks up.  “So, Mr. Rook, based on my preliminary findings and my interview with the patient, I think we can reverse what they’ve done, but,” she frowns, “in many ways, what we’re doing won’t look that different from reconditioning.”

 

Finn feels sick.  _Of course.  Fight fire with fire_.  He forces himself to ask, “What would that entail?

 

“Several weeks, possibly a few months, of intensive therapy.  We’d need to take him to my facility,” she says, looking over at Dr. Weoke with a frown. 

 

Dr. Weoke looks to Finn and speaks in a hushed tone, “Can we all be honest for a few minutes?”

 

Finn nods, unsure of where this is going.

 

“I know you aren’t Rook and he isn’t Andor,” Dr. Weoke says, “and I’m well aware of why you’re using pseudonyms, but…”

 

“We don’t want any of you getting hurt, ma’am,” Finn says.  “We’ve already had some problems…”  Finn looks up at the new doctor, Dr. Talan.

 

She seems to be having a silent conversation with Dr. Weoke.  Finally, she turns to Finn.  “Who are you really?”

 

“I’m Commander Finn of the Resistance, and he’s…he’s Poe Dameron.”  He watches them go pale.

 

“Poe Dameron,” Dr. Weoke says, “as in?”

 

“As in the dead Resistance Colonel, yeah,” Finn says.

 

“Kriff,” she whispers.

 

“Well, fuck,” Dr. Talan says.  “That explains a lot.”  She looks back down at her datapad, types in some notes.  “We’ll keep the name Andor for now.”  She looks back up.  “And you’ll stay with him?”

 

“I’ll stay with him.”

 

“But,” Dr. Weoke says.

 

“But,” Dr. Talan asks her, and it’s clear that the two women are having a silent conversation. 

 

Finally, Dr. Weoke explains, “We’re in the middle of a war, Gwen.”  She looks at Finn and Dr. Talan nods.

 

Finn says, “Yes, that’s true, but…”

 

Dr. Talan shares a knowing look with Dr. Weoke.  “Commander, we’re eager to see you back with the Resistance, is all; we know you must be missed.”  She puts a hand on Finn’s arm.  “But, his recovery will go smoother if he has friends or loved ones around.  Perhaps there are others who could come for a day or two?  Let you get back to your duties?”

 

 _They think I need to back off._   Finn lets out a sigh.  “I’ll talk to the General and see what we can do.”

 

“Good,” Dr. Talan says.

 

“I’d like to work on his eyes before you take him to Coruscant,” Dr. Weoke interjects.

 

“Yes, I think that would be a good idea.”

 

“And we’ll still need to explain all of this to him,” Dr. Weoke adds.

 

Finn groans.  “That may be a bit complicated.”

 

“Complicated,” Dr. Talan asks.

 

“He’s not exactly happy to be here,” Finn says. “I had to kidnap him.  He was…”  Finn looks anywhere but at the two women staring at him.  “He was basically letting himself die.  Thought he was protecting us.”  He finally meets their eyes.  “He’s mad at me for bringing him here.”

 

“So, is he going to be resistant to my therapy?”

 

Finn shrugs.  “I’m hoping, once he’s calmed down…”

 

“Fragging hell,” Dr. Talan whispers.

 

“We’ve had him under sedation and in restraints,” Dr. Weoke adds.  “And honestly, that’s probably complicated things for you, and whoever you end up selecting as his therapist, but it’s been the only way we could treat some of the more immediate injuries.”

 

“It’s always an adventure,” Dr. Talan says.  She looks to Finn.  “First things first: we’ll tell him about our plans for his eyes.  Then, we’ll try to convince him to come back to Coruscant with me.”

 

Finn nods.  _This is going to be fun_.

 

* * *

Dr. Weoke insists on speaking to Poe alone about his eyes and other injuries, and Finn is shocked when Poe agrees to the surgery.  He and Dr. Talan agree to hold off on telling Poe about her therapy until after that is complete.

 

That is why, ten days later, Finn walks into a private recovery room to find Poe, bandages still around his eyes, but otherwise, looking much better.  Poe stands when Finn comes in.

 

“Is this okay,” Finn asks.

 

Poe nods.  Now that the restraints are off, he’s much calmer.  They still keep him in a secure room, but now he has space and a small sense of freedom.  He limps over to the window.  He can feel the heat from the outside filtering in.  It’s nice.

 

“How’s the leg?”

 

“Just another thing I’ve got to get used to, I guess,” Poe says.

 

“But it doesn’t hurt?”

 

“No,” Poe says.  He’s beginning to hate the sympathy from everyone—it sounds too much like pity for Poe’s tastes.  He turns towards Finn.  “So, you here to tell me how much longer I’m gonna be stuck in this place?”

 

Finn takes a deep breath.  “Sort of.”

 

“Sort of?”  Poe shakes his head and crosses his arms, leaning back against the window sill.  “Don’t you have a war to get back to?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn says.  Commanding troops via comm link and datapad has been nearly impossible and he really needs to get back to base.  _But…_   “Dr. Talan, the specialist who was here a few weeks ago?  She thinks she can get the programming out of your head.”

 

Poe flinches as he feels pain shoot through his spine.  His hands dig into his forearms.  “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah, Poe.  We can fix you, if you’d like.”

 

“What?”

 

“I said, we can fix you, if you’d like.”

 

Ever since the episode where he fainted, Poe has been trying to remain civil—if for no other reason than, the nicer he seems to be, the more freedoms the doctors give him.  And on some rational level, he understands that Finn means nothing by what he’s said, but Poe is worn raw and he’s especially sensitive around Finn— _perfect, beautiful Finn_.  Anger flares through his chest as he thinks, _But he doesn’t get to judge me._ He growls, “You don’t fix me!”

 

“Poe—”

 

“I am not broken! I am NOT BROKEN!”  

 

“Poe, I didn’t—”

 

Poe drags in a huge breath, talking over Finn, “I’m, I’m _different_ , Finn.  Different!”  He points to himself.  “But this isn’t broken.  I refuse to be...broken.”  He shakes his head, pushing off the window sill and moving towards Finn.  He whispers, “Is that really what you think of me?  That I’m _broken_?”

 

“Poe, no.  Poe, I didn’t…” He sighs.  _Great job, Finn_.  He reaches out to touch Poe before stopping himself.  He stares at his hand, just hanging there mid-air and fills with a now familiar rage—hating this place and hating what’s happened to Poe, but most of all, hating that he can’t have what he used to have with the man in front of him.  He makes a fist and lets it drop as he takes a deep breath and says, “We’re trying to help you get your mind back.  You get that, right?  We’re the good guys here.”

 

“No, Finn.  I get that.  I really do.”  Poe is trying to sound calm, but he feels more powerless here in this med-center than he has at any other time in the last fifteen months—here, everyone else is making decisions for him.  “But this isn’t some project or some assignment or some good deed you get to do.  It’s, it’s, it’s my fragging life, and all of you act like you can do your magic and everything will be fine.  Broken leg?  No problem!  Blind?  Oh no, we can fix that!  But…but…”  He’s searching for the right words.  “That’s not how this works.   You can’t erase what they did to me.  Even if I wake up tomorrow and…”  He tenses, preparing for the pain.  “And this,” he points to his head, “is taken care of, it’s still done.  You can’t un-do it.”  His breathing starts picking up; he gulps in a breath and then slowly lets it out.  “If you did that, you’d be doing the same damn thing that they...  And I’m not…”  He turns and walks over to his bed, hands out as he’s still a bit unsure of where things are.  He sits.  “I’m not the same, and…”  He just barely shakes his head.  “You don’t _fix_ me.”

 

"Poe," Finn starts.

 

"No," Poe says, and he can feel big, fat tears rolling down his cheeks.  "I need to say this.  I, I'm never...I'm not going to be _him_ again.  The old Poe?  He's gone, Finn.  You're dealing with _me_ now."  Poe is sobbing as he says, "And I'm not broken.  Fucked up maybe, but not broken."  He sucks in a breath with a sob.  _Always fragging crying_ , Poe thinks.  _Why in the fuck is this my life?_

 

"You done," Finn asks.  It sounds harsher than he intended, but _dammit, I'm tired too._

 

Poe suddenly wants to punch Finn, but he's also a huge, blubbering, blind mess, so he simply nods angrily.

 

"I get that you have to carry this for the rest of your life, and I'm sorry for how I phrased things, but..."  Finn shakes his head.  He's so tired of fighting with Poe.  "You want us to just leave the programming in your head?  Is that what you're saying?"

 

Poe sighs.  "No," he finally says.  As he wipes the tears away, he notices that his hands are shaking.  "But you aren't going to get _your_ Poe Dameron back, either."  _Stupid, kriffing, perfect Poe Dameron._

 

" _My_ Poe Dameron?"  Finn shakes his head and rolls his eyes.  " _You_ are my Poe Dameron."

 

"Finn," Poe starts.

 

"No, I get to talk now."  Finn is getting angry.  "What do you think this is, Poe?  The first sign of trouble and I just leave?  Are you really telling me that's how little you think of me?"  _I spent two years searching for you, you moof-milker!_

 

"You just told me how little you think of me!"

 

"That's not what I said!"

 

"Oh really?!?!?!?!"

 

"I get that they did this horrible thing to you.  I get that you are different.  But give me some damn credit, Poe!"

 

"Credit for what?  I mean, what's your endgame here?"

 

"Endgame, Dameron?  Endgame?"  _Fuck staying calm_.  Finn roars, "I'm trying to get you back to the Resistance, you idiot!  I'm trying to get you to see that there might be a way out of this besides just curling up and dying!  I'm trying to get my damn boyfriend back!"

 

"He's gone!"

 

"No, he's fucking sitting here right in front of me being a petulant little ass!"

 

"Fuck you," Poe yells.

 

"Right back at you," Finn screams, stomping out of the room.

 

Poe falls back onto the bed with a growl and bangs his fists into the mattress with a scream.  A nurse comes running in.  "Sir, is everything—"

 

"Fine," Poe spits out.  "I'm fine.  Everything is just fragging fine."

 

* * *

 

Finn makes it back to his quarters before letting out a long pent-up yell.  He kicks the wall and then falls into it, banging his fists.

 

_He’s hurting and he’s scared and…_

_And I’m hurting and scared too!_

 

He kicks the wall over and over again.  _KRIFFING FUCKING HELL!_

_Why can’t we just have one kriffing conversation where we both don’t say stupid fucking things?!?!?_

 

An alarm goes off on his datapad. 

 

_FUCK!_

 

Finn sags against the wall.  _Time for work._

 

He wipes his eyes, pushes off the wall, and moves to the communications terminal, forcing a smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

The day the bandages come off Poe’s eyes is the day Finn has been dreading.  He’s been avoiding Poe for the past few days, hoping that some time apart might calm them both down, but he knows he needs to be present for this—knows it isn’t likely to go well.

 

Poe had resigned himself to never seeing again and now, they’re dangling his sight in front of him.  Dr. Weoke has warned Poe not to get his hopes up, but Finn can see the hope there.  It’s been keeping him up at night. 

 

He stands in the doorway.  “Is it okay if I…”

 

Poe nods. 

 

Finn slides into a chair at the far end of the room.

 

Poe is in bed, drumming his fingers against his legs.  “Is she coming?”

 

“Yeah, she’ll be right here.”

 

“Good,” Poe says.  He licks his lips.  “Um, look, I know that you and I have been…”

 

“Don’t worry about it, man.”  Finn can hear how tired his voice sounds.

 

“No, I just…”  Poe forces his fingers to stop, spreads them out against his legs.  “It’s just a lot, you know.”

 

“Yeah,” Finn says.  “For all of us.”

 

Poe nods.  “Yeah, but I just wanted to tell you that I—”

 

Dr. Weoke comes into the room.  “How are we feeling?”

 

“Fine,” Poe says.  He starts drumming his fingers again.  Finn wants to walk over and take his hand, but he stays in his chair.  _Please, let him have this_ , he thinks.

 

Dr. Weoke dims the lights and slowly removes the gauze from Poe’s eyes.  “Keep them closed,” she says, “and then, when you’re ready, _slowly_ open them.”

 

The gauze is off and Finn holds his breath, begging the universe, _just give us this, please_.

 

Poe’s eyelids slowly lift.  He blinks a few times and then he closes them again.  “And how much better will they get,” he whispers.

 

“Why don’t you tell me what you can see now,” Dr. Weoke says.

 

“It’s…”  He sighs.  “A bit blurry.  I…”  He looks around slowly.  For the longest time, it’s as if Poe has forgotten that Dr. Weoke and Finn are there.  Then, he finally starts speaking, “I see the shapes of things and,” he holds his hand up in front of his face, staring at it as if it’s some alien life form, “and I can see pretty well up close, I think, but…”  He blinks a few times.  “Uh, tunnel vision,” he says.  “That’s what you call it, right?”

 

Dr. Weoke nods and then says, “Yes, that’s one term for it.”  She leans forward with a device.  “I’m going to look at your eyes now.  Tell me if anything hurts.”

 

As she begins to shine a light into his right eye, Poe flinches.  “Too bright,” Dr. Weoke asks.

 

“Yeah,” Poe says, closing both eyes and swallowing hard.

 

She puts down the device.  “We figured that might be the case.  I’ve already ordered some prescription glasses.”  Poe opens his mouth but before he can speak, she continues, “In other cases, we can operate or install mech, but the damage you’ve sustained to your eyes makes us reluctant to do anything else to them.  We think it could do more harm than good.”

 

Poe nods.  “So…”  Poe doesn’t even know what he wants to ask, what he’s going to be able to ask.

 

Dr. Weoke puts a hand on his.  He flinches.  “Sorry,” she says, removing her hand.  She refocuses.  “Chances are that over the next few days, your eyes will improve some.  I expect much of the blurriness will go away.  You aren’t going to go back to what you had before the explosion,” she says, “but it will be better than what you’ve been living with these past months.”

 

Poe nods, his mouth held in a tight line.  Finn’s trying hard not to cry.  He’s watching all the remaining hope drain out of this man.  He gets up and stands at the edge of the bed.  More than anything, he wants to hold Poe, tell him it’s all going to be okay—even if that is the biggest lie in the galaxy—but he just stands there.

 

Dr. Weoke says, “I’m going to send a droid in later to do a more thorough examination.  For now, rest your eyes and try to get used to seeing again.  We’ll keep the lights dimmed, but speak up if anything is too bright.”

 

“Will do,” Poe says.

 

For a few minutes after she leaves, Finn stands still, watching Poe as he blinks his eyes open and closed.  _Testing them out_ , Finn thinks.

 

Eventually, Poe turns to Finn and studies him.  Despite himself, he smiles.  “Just like I remember,” he whispers.

 

“Yeah,” Finn asks, a small grin on his face.

 

“Yeah.”  _So fucking beautiful._ Poe knows he’s going to start crying if he doesn’t say something, so he lets out a soft breath and nods to Finn’s smile.  “Never thought I was gonna see that again.”

 

Finn’s smile brightens and all the tension between them seems to break.

 

“Can I,” Finn motions to the bed.

 

“Sure,” Poe says. 

 

Poe keeps moving his head back and forth, blinking.  “Strange,” Finn asks, sitting at the end of the bed.

 

“Yeah,” Poe says.  “It’s…”  he shakes his head and leans back, “I forgot what this is like.”  He looks up at Finn, squinting a bit.  “And it’s different, you know?”

 

Finn can hear the tremor in Poe’s voice.  _You gave up your eyes for us._   He swallows hard and moves closer to Poe.  _I am not going to cry._   He motions to take Poe’s hand.  “Can I?”  Poe nods and Finn takes his hand.  “You’ll figure it out, Dameron.”  He squeezes.

 

“Yeah,” Poe says, his voice breaking.  Tears begin leaking out his eyes and he rushes to wipe them away.  “Dammit,” he spits out.  “Always crying.  Fuck.  I’m just not…I can’t…”

 

“Poe,” Finn says, moving even closer.  “Poe, it’s okay.”

 

“I just can’t seem to…”  A huge sob wracks his frame.  He closes his eyes and shakes his head, trying to get the crying under control.  Finally, he looks up at Finn.  “I’m never gonna fly again, am I?”

 

_No._

 

Finn reaches out and pulls Poe towards him.  “We’ll figure it out, sweetheart.  I promise.”

 

He holds Poe, rubbing circles on the other man’s back, trying hard to hold back his own tears as Poe lets his flow.

 

* * *

 

Finn doesn’t leave Poe’s room that night.  He sits and watches Poe sleep, terrified that Poe is going to…  Finn scrubs a hand over his face.  _He’s under surveillance.  There’s nothing in here he could harm himself with._

 

Finn shakes his head.  His brain knows all of this, but his heart?  His heart spent two hours holding Poe while he cried, while he finally faced the fact that he was going to live but he was never going to be a pilot again. 

 

His heart just watched this former war hero curl up and sob himself to sleep.

 

His heart has finally realized that some of what Poe has been telling him is true.  _My Poe Dameron is dead._

_This Poe…_

 

_Maybe I should’ve left this Poe on Leritor?_

 

Finn watches Poe and hates himself.

 

* * *

 

Poe looks out the window.  From what he can make out, outside is a barren landscape bathed in a greenish-blue tint.  He can’t really see more than blobs in the distance, but up close, he can see the other buildings of the facility and make out beings walking between them.  _It’s a start, I guess._

 

He steps back and falls into a nearby chair, letting out a sigh.  He closes his eyes, leaning back and trying to work a kink out of his neck.  He’s grateful for this moment—he can simply be without anyone fussing or asking questions.

 

 _Without Finn fussing or asking questions_ , he thinks to himself.  Finn spent all night and most of the day here.  Poe fills with a warm sense of security at that, remembers sitting next to Finn’s bed after Starkiller and that wonderful moment when Finn had finally woken from his coma.

 

But in the very next instant, Poe frowns.  _He’ll spend the rest of his life doing it if I let him_.

 

A part of him wants to let Finn do that.  Another part hates the idea.  Not only would it be unfair to Finn, _but I’d just be a project, something to fix and take care of and…_

_Poe and Finn ended with the explosion.  I’m his charity case now._

 

Poe feels nauseous.  _Why?_  

 

It’s a jumble of questions for the universe: _why did this have to happen to me?  Why can’t we go back to how it was?  Why didn’t they just kill me?  Why did I hide?  Why does this all have to be so kriffing hard?_

_Why?_

_Why?_

 

Poe wants to scream.  Instead, he forces himself to think about something—anything—else.  He stares at the datapad Dr. Weoke left next to his bed, filled with information on Dr. Talan’s clinic on Coruscant.  Poe chews at his lip.  _She thinks they can get rid of the…_   He tenses, waiting for the inevitable jolt up his spine.  When it comes, it’s almost comforting—if nothing else, it’s reliable.

 

_Then what?_

 

Poe looks around the room—it’s sterile and uncluttered, so unlike his room back on base.  He floats on the pleasure as he thinks about his old life for a moment.  _Not going to miss that_ , he lies to himself.

 

_But…_

_What happens next?_

 

Poe leans back in his chair, staring at the blank beige wall in front of him.  _All these months._   He’d prepared to die, knowing that what he was giving up was worth it if it kept the Resistance— _if it kept Finn_ —safe. 

 

_All these months and…_

 

_What if I was wrong?_

_What if it was all for nothing?_

 

 _What if she can’t deprogram me?_ He winces and lets the pain radiate through his body for a moment.

 

_What if she can?_

_What if…_

_STOP.  It’s done, Dameron.  No going back.  Just have to face the future._

 

He tenses at that.  Up until recently, there hasn’t been a future _.  Now…_

 

 _Do I go back?_   Pleasure floods his system and Poe whimpers.  His hands start shaking. 

 

_I could be with Finn again, could do something useful and…_

_Blind?  Crying all the time?  Afraid of being touched?_

_Useless._

Poe knows he’s tired and frayed and that he isn’t useless, but it’s so hard not to listen to that voice.  He closes his eyes and tries to think about something else.  _Friends.  I have friends there._

_Right?_

_Probably._

_If they don’t hate me._

_They’re all gonna hate me.  Stupid, useless Dameron._

 

_No.  They’re not like that._

_They’re better than that._

_Better than you._

_Stop thinking like that!_

 

Poe focuses on the pilots, wonders what it will be like to see them again.  _Jess and Iolo and Karé and Snap_.  He smiles.  _Kriff, I’ve missed you guys._ He tries to picture them in his mind and soon, the pictures are of flightsuits and X-wings and missions, and jealousy floods his system.  He balls his hands into fists and presses them into his thighs.  _I’ll learn to live without it._

 

He feels the tears forming again and he hates himself.  _Stupid, kriffing crying AGAIN, Dameron!  Why can’t you hold it together?_

 

He takes a deep breath and then another.  _It’s normal.  Come on.  It’s okay._

_I’m okay._

_This is…_

_This is fine._

 

Once the tears stop flowing, he feels a sort of numbness settle over him.  This was a future he’d never prepared for, and he doesn’t want to face it.

 

 _There are pills in the fresher._   _A whole bottle would be enough…_   Poe sighs.  He knows he’s not going to do that. 

 

And that’s just one more thing he can berate himself about: _can’t even muster up the courage to just end this, can I?_

 

But a part of him knows that’s a good thing.  _I’m getting better_ , he tries to tell himself.

 

 _Yeah, right._   He stares up at the wall.  _Stupid beige,_ he thinks at it.  _Stupid beige wall.  Stupid beige life_.

 

Poe suddenly misses his mother, wants her to appear and tell him what to do.  He closes his eyes and begs the galaxy to show him a sign, give him any indication of what should happen next.  _Mom?  Could I just have this please?  Please come and talk to me.  I just want…_

 

Poe doesn’t know what he wants.

 

He opens his eyes, staring at the beige wall, hating the galaxy, hating his life, hating his mother for dying, and hating himself.

 

_I can’t do this._

 

He bites his cheek hard. 

 

_I don’t have a choice._

 

Poe lets himself zone out for a while, staring at the wall.  There’s no coherent thought, just anger, sadness, guilt, and self-pity swirling about in his brain.  He breathes in and out, focused on the wall, and he can feel his eyes getting heavy, but he refuses to give in to sleep.  _If I stay awake, I don’t have to…_

 

_I don’t want this future._

_Just let me stay here.  Don’t make me do this._

_I don’t want to do this._

_Why do I have to do this?_

_Why?_

 

Poe Dameron wants to run away and never look back, but he knows he won’t, and he hates himself a bit for that.  Instead, he sits and stares at the wall, fighting against sleep and a tomorrow he doesn’t want to face.

 

* * *

 

“How are the glasses working out,” Dr. Weoke asks two days later.

 

“Fine,” Poe says.  “It’s…I’m starting to get used to it.”  He bites his lip.

 

“Have you thought any more about Dr. Talan’s offer?”

 

Poe nods.  _Do I really have any choice?_

 

“It’s a very good facility, and brainwashing and reconditioning are her specialty.  There are also other doctors there, ones who might be able to help with…”

 

_My anger?  My depression?  The fact that I’m not sure what I have to live for?_

 

“…your other emotional issues.”

 

_I was ready to die, doc.  For a noble cause._

_Now, what is there?_

 

“I’ll go to Coruscant,” Poe says quietly.  “On one condition.”

 

She lifts an eyebrow.

 

“You have to send Finn home.  He can’t come with me.”  He closes his eyes and just lets the headache wash over him.

 

When he opens his eyes, he can see that Dr. Weoke is clearly puzzled.  He and Finn have finally been getting along during the past few days. 

 

“Do you mind if I ask why,” she asks.

 

 _Because he’s lost twenty pounds since I last saw him and he looks like hell; because he hovers over me all the fragging time like he’s afraid I’m going to break; because if I don’t push him away now I might not be strong enough to do it later, and I won’t let him waste his life on me._ Poe fights the urge to just unload all this on her.  She’s nice, but he’s so kriffing tired of being vulnerable, so tired of crying all the fragging time, and he knows he won’t be able to get through any of it without breaking down, so he settles on the easiest truth: “Because if I don’t send him back now, he’s gonna spend the next however-long-this-takes following me around and trying to take care of me.”

 

She smiles a sad smile.  “Okay,” she says.  “Do you want me to tell him or…”

 

“I figure he’s not gonna listen to me,” Poe says.  “I’d like you to be backup.”

 

She laughs.  “Just send him to my office when you’re finished talking to him.”

 

* * *

 

Two hours later, Finn walks into her office.  She motions to a chair and he sits.  “He talked to you?”

 

“Yeah,” Finn says.

 

“And did you agree to his terms?”

 

“No,” Finn says, “I…”  He sighs.  “He’s going to need people there, people he knows and—”

 

The doctor puts up a hand.  “I agree, but I don’t think that those people necessarily need to be you.  In fact, like Dr. Talan said, I’d suggest seeing if there are other beings on your base who can take a few days off at a time to go visit him, help reintegrate him back into Resistance life.”

 

“But I still don’t understand why it can’t be—”

 

“Finn,” she says, “he’s worried that you’re going to spend the rest of your life fussing over him.  Quite frankly, I am too.”

 

“Ma’am, with all due respect—”

 

“Finn, when was the last time you got more than an hour or two of sleep at a time?”

 

“I’m fine,” Finn says.

 

She raises an eyebrow and waits.

 

Finn slumps into his chair and scrubs both hands over his face.  “I don’t remember.”

 

“Exactly,” Dr. Weoke says.  “You’re running yourself ragged, and,” she looks at the scabs on his knuckles, “it’s taking a toll.”  Finn jerks his hands into his lap, thankful she can’t see where he’s scuffed his boots kicking things.  “I understand that you feel responsible for him and you’re worried about him, but you have to let us do our jobs.  And you need to do yours.  The Resistance needs you.”

 

 _Poe needs me._  

 

Finn leans back in his chair, craning his head back.  “You’re right.  I know you’re right.”

 

“Doesn’t make it any easier, though, does it?”

 

“No,” he says.  He looks up at her.  “It’s just such a kriffing mess.”

 

“True,” she says, “but he isn’t dead, Finn, and he’s agreeing to the treatment.  Those are good things.”

 

Finn nods.  He stands.  “I’ll send a comm to the General, tell her what’s going on.  I’ll stay until we put him on the transport to Coruscant.”

 

“I’m going to go with him,” Dr. Weoke says.  “Deliver him to Gwen personally.”

 

“Thanks,” Finn says.

 

“You’re welcome.”  She smiles.  “It will get better.  I promise.”

 

Finn wants to believe her, but he can’t.

 

* * *

 

A week later, Finn steps off a transport onto the tarmac at the Resistance base, and it’s like a whole new world.  It feels like it did all those years ago when he first stepped off the Millennium Falcon at D’Qar.  _And ran straight into Poe’s arms_ , Finn thinks.  He stops before he lets himself go too far into that memory.

 

Rey comes running up to him, she has a strange look on her face before slapping a smile on it and saying, far too cheerfully, “You’re back!”

 

“Yeah,” he says, reaching out to hug her.  He kisses her forehead.  “Missed you, peanut.”

 

She takes his hand and starts dragging him to the hangar.  “There’s lots of beings eager to see you.”

 

“I think I should de-brief with the General, Rey.”

 

She rolls her eyes.  “She’ll be fine if you’re a few minutes late.”

 

Some of Poe’s pilots are seated in a makeshift lounge area.  They smile when they see Rey dragging Finn over and then each of their smiles falls for a moment before a fake smile takes its place.  

 

 _How bad do I kriffing look_ , Finn wonders.

 

Snap stands.  “Finn,” he says.  “Good to have you back!”

 

Jess comes over and wraps an arm around him, hugging tight.

 

“How are you doing,” Finn whispers.

 

“Okay,” she says.  “Still doesn’t seem real.”

 

He squeezes her and smiles.  “Tell me about it.”

 

He lets Jess go as Rey leads him to a seat.  “So, tell us what’s what.”

 

Finn sits and glances at Rey with a worried look.

 

“We all know, Finn,” Karé says.  “The General thought it might be smart to let a few of us in on things.”

 

Finn nods and leans back.  “Ummmmm,” he slaps his hands on his thighs, “where to begin?  Uhh…”  He looks up at their faces, so expectant and nervous.  “Well, he’s alive.  But you already knew that.  There was extensive…”  Finn sighs.   _Don’t drag it out_.  “They tortured him.  It was bad.  Took a few weeks to re-set some broken bones, heal some scars, and the like.  His left leg is probably never going to be completely okay.  He walks with a limp now.  But no cane, so there’s that.”

 

Jess leans into Karé, who wraps an arm around her.

 

“They reconditioned him.  He can’t remember enough to tell us exactly what happened, but there’s a specialist on Coruscant—that’s where he is now—and she’s going to try to help him.  But…”

 

“What does that entail exactly,” Snap asks.

 

Finn looks down at his feet.  “Honestly, it’s basically the same thing in reverse.”

 

Jess is now sobbing into Karé’s side.  Snap gets up and wraps his arms around both of them.

 

Finn looks up.  “They’re hoping that some of us...some of you, actually, might be able to take some time off and go visit him.  They think it might help with the process.  See some familiar faces and all.”

 

“Of course,” Karé says.

 

“Yeah,” Snap says.

 

“Thanks,” Finn says.  He takes a breath.  He’s dreading this next part.  Rey puts her hand on Finn’s shoulder and squeezes.  “Yeah, and ummmm, the final thing you need to know is that…”  Finn takes a breath.  Rey rubs his shoulder.  “His eyes.  Something happened in the explosion and he lost his sight.”  Finn tries to ignore the sound Jess makes.  “The doctors operated on him and…I mean the good thing is, he got some of his vision back, but the damage was just too…”  Finn shakes his head.  “He’s lost a significant portion of his sight.  He’s wearing special glasses now that help with lights.  He doesn’t like bright light.  But, ummmm, he’s also lost a good deal of his peripheral vision.  So, ummmm…”

 

“He can’t fly anymore,” Snap says.

 

Finn can’t say it, so he just shakes his head.

 

Rey wipes her eyes.

 

Finn takes a shaky breath and stands, wiping his own.  “But he is alive and getting better.  And he can see, which is a good thing.”  He looks around at the group, who all look wrecked.  “I should probably…”  He nods towards command.

 

“Yes,” Rey says.  “The General will be expecting you.”

 

Finn starts off, sparing one look back at Poe’s pilots, wishing he could say something to lift their spirits.  _I’m just ruining things for everyone, aren’t I?_

* * *

 

The General wasn’t in command, and Kaydel sent him here.  Finn stands just outside medical, watching Leia and Dr. Kalonia scowl at Iolo, who is having his hand wrapped.

 

Finn looks at his own knuckles.  The scabs are gone now, just the tiniest of faint scars there to remind him.  He looks back into medical and Iolo catches his eye and nods.  For a moment, Finn worries that he knows.  Finn puts his hand back down.

 

The General spots Finn and frowns.  She turns to Dr. Kalonia and says something.  The doctor turns to study Finn and frowns.

 

_Yeah, that inspires confidence._

 

Leia says something else to the doctor and then starts to leave medical.  Finn can hear her muttering, “It’s not like I wasn’t married to Han.  I know a thing or two about pilots going off half-cocked, but…”  She walks back into medical and raises her voice.  “I will not have one of my captains assaulting another solider, no matter what he said.  Is that clear?”

 

“Yes, ma’am,” Iolo says, keeping his eyes on the ground.

 

“Good,” she says, exiting medical again.  She nods at Finn.  “Good to see you, Commander.”  She crosses her arms.  “You look like hell.”

 

“Uh, yeah,” Finn says.  “It’s been a long few weeks.”

 

Leia seems to be sizing him up before she nods and points down a hall leading back to command.

 

As they start walking, Finn looks back at Iolo.  “Was that about…”

 

The General shakes her head.  “Some idiot new recruit made a remark about Poe, and Iolo took it upon himself to…”  She frowns.

 

“Beat the stuffing out of him?”

 

“Something like that.”

 

“Better him than Karé,” Finn says.

 

She laughs despite herself.  “True.”  As she stops laughing, she says, “So, you and I have a lot to discuss.”

 

Finn nods.  “And then I need to get caught up with Clay and—”

 

“Finn,” she says, stopping.  “If you need to take a few days…”

 

“No, ma’am.  I’d like to resume my duties immediately.”

 

A part of her wants to stop him, wants to force him to take some time off, make him go talk to one of the therapy droids—but a part of her recognizes too much of herself in him to do it.  If someone had forced her to take it easy after Alderaan or after Han, she would’ve gone insane.  She sighs.  “Of course, Finn.”  _Get lost in your work for a while_.

 

Finn nods and holds open the door for her.

 

As she sweeps into command, Leia spares a single look at Finn—this brave boy who bucked First Order brainwashing, who saved them all on Starkiller, who took a lightsaber to the back, and who has given the Resistance his all from day one—and feels a twinge of guilt as she points towards a console in the center of the room.  _Maybe it will be different for him._

_Maybe he’ll learn how to handle it better than I did._

_Maybe this war won’t eat him alive._

 

She gives Finn a small, sad smile and they get to work.

 

 


	6. Reconditioning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe starts de-programming while his friends in the Resistance try to come to terms with the fact that he's alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: panic attack; drinking; discussions of torture
> 
> I was going to say that this week's chapter is a bit lighter, but then I typed out the trigger warnings... Still, things are getting better for Poe, finally.

 

 

“I’ve put your schedule on the datapad.  Between the deprogramming, your therapy sessions, and your physical rehab, there isn’t a lot of free time, but I’ve tried to be diligent about giving you a few hours every day that are yours to do with as you please.”

 

“Thanks,” Poe says, only half-listening as he surveys his new room.  It looks a lot like the one at Dr. Weoke’s facility.  Dr. Talan stops and waits.  It takes Poe a moment to realize she’s stopped talking.  “Um, sorry?”

 

Dr. Talan smiles.  “No worries, Poe.”  She gestures at the room.  “It’s a bit different from what you had before.  For starters, no locks on the doors.  You’re free to come and go as you please.”

 

“Really?”

 

Her smile widens.  “It’s a secure facility, so you’d have trouble leaving the building, but inside, feel free to roam.  There are spaces that are off limits, but I doubt they’d interest you—unless you have a burning desire to study behavioral responses in lothcats.”

 

Poe chuckles.  He likes her.  “No, I think the cats are safe from me.”

 

“Good.”  She steps forward.  She points to a camera located on the ceiling.  “We will be monitoring you.”

 

Poe nods.  “Yeah.”  _Figured._

 

“Poe, given your history and given what’s—”

 

Poe puts up his hand.  “I get it, doc.  I expected it.”

 

Dr. Talan nods.  “Any questions for me?”

 

Poe presses his lips together, bracing for the inevitable pain, as he asks, “Is it gonna hurt?”

 

“It might.  At first.  But…”  Dr. Talan shakes her head.  “From our end, it shouldn’t.  Nothing we are going to do to you should produce pain, but…”  She looks him dead in the eye.  “The way they programmed you, I expect that you’re going to have some residual pain, especially as we start, but we’re going to try to tackle that first.  So, after the first week or so, I hope not.  I can’t say for sure, but...not if we’re doing our jobs right.”

 

“Thanks for being honest,” Poe says.

 

“Of course,” she says.  “Poe.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“This isn’t going to be easy, but I’ve read your files and…and you don’t seem to be the type who wants to be spoon fed half-truths.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

She nods.  “It’s gonna hurt at times, and you’re going to want to quit.  You’re probably going to be scared and depressed and—”

 

“You aren’t really sellin’ this, doc.”

 

She laughs.  “Poe, I understand how Dr. Weoke does things, and even how Finn believes they should be done, but I…”  She smiles.  “I’m not going to sugar-coat things or keep you in the dark.”

 

Poe snorts.

 

She continues, “In the end, it’s your choice to be here.  And quite frankly, that had to be a terrifying choice to make, but I have to say, knowing what they did to you, I’m impressed.  You’re already beating this.  You’ve been beating it from the beginning.  What we’re going to do here?  I honestly don’t think it’s going to be anywhere near as intense as what you’ve already been going through on your own.”  She holds her hand out, just shy of touching his arm.  “May I?”

 

Poe nods.

 

She squeezes his arm.  “You’re going to make it through this.  I promise.”

 

Poe swallows hard, refusing to cry.  “Thanks, doc,” he just barely manages.

 

Dr. Talan lets go of his arm.  “Get some rest.  We start in the morning.”

 

As she sweeps out of the room, Poe can’t help but be a bit in awe.  _I’m gonna do this._

 

For the first time in what feels like years, Poe wants to believe that things are going to get better.

 

* * *

 

The pilots and Rey are seated around a table in the mess.  None of them has really talked about Poe much since Finn’s gotten back, but it’s been hanging over them, picking at their minds.

 

Snap takes a deep breath.  _Might as well get the ball rolling_.  “I think I should be the first to go to Coruscant to see Poe,” Snap says.  “In fact, I’ve already cleared some time next week.”

 

Karé nods.  “I’ll try to go the following week or the week after.”  She looks over at Jess and Iolo.

 

“I…”  Jess shakes her head.  “I’ve talked to Rey about this,” she says, looking at her girlfriend.  Rey takes her hand and squeezes as she says, “I don’t think I can do this yet.”

 

“We understand,” Karé says.

 

“I can go after Karé,” Rey says.  “I’m hoping I might have some of Bee’s reprogramming figured out by then.  Maybe even get the moof-milker to tell me what he did to Bee.”

 

“That leaves you, Iolo,” Snap says.

 

“I’m not going,” Iolo says, staring at his meal.

 

“What,” Karé asks.

 

“You heard me.  I’m not going.”

 

“Why,” Jess asks.

 

“I don’t have to justify my decision to any of you and—”

 

“The hell you don’t,” Karé says, her voice rising.  Beings at other tables are starting to stare.  “This is Poe we’re talking about,” she hisses.

 

“Yeah, and I’m not going to visit him,” Iolo says.

 

“What the—”

 

“Karé,” Snap warns.

 

She shoots him a deadly look and then turns back to Iolo.  “So what?  You’ll pulverize a new recruit for talkin’ about him, but you won’t go see him?  What the hell is that, Iolo?”

 

Iolo stands.  He grabs his tray and marches to the other end of the mess.

 

“Iolo!”

 

Karé rises to follow him and Snap puts a hand on her arm.  “No,” he says quietly.  “I’ll go.”  He gets up and goes after Iolo.

 

Karé sits back down with a scowl.

 

“It’s not easy for any of us,” Rey says.

 

“Yeah, but that moof-milker wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for Poe, and to think that he…”  She shakes her head.

 

“I think I understand,” Jess says quietly.

 

Karé sighs.  “It’s not like I’m looking forward to it.  Hell, seeing Finn get off that transport—I mean, you saw him!  He looked half dead.  I can’t imagine that Poe’s going to look any better, especially if he’s…if he can’t…”  _see_ hangs in the air.  “But we have to do it, right?  That’s what friends do, yeah?”

 

Rey nods, wrapping an arm around Jess and wishing she knew enough about the Force to make all of this hurt go away.

 

* * *

 

 

“Iolo!  Hey!  Wait up,” Snap yells, jogging after Iolo.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

“Well, that’s too bad,” Snap says, “because you’re going to.”

 

“Snap, I don’t want to have this argument with you.”

 

“Would you rather have it with Karé?”  Snap can’t help his smile.

 

The tension breaks and Iolo laughs.  “No,” he says.  “She’d probably beat me senseless.”

 

“No _probably_ about it; she would,” Snap says, motioning to the hangar, which is nearly deserted at this hour.

 

They walk in and each find a crate to sit on.  “What’s up, Iolo?”

 

“Snap, I…”

 

Snap nods at Iolo’s hand.

 

“It’s nothing, man.  You read the report and…”

 

Snap raises an eyebrow and waits.

 

“Fine.  Some little shit was talking about Poe and the next thing I know I was…”  Iolo trails off.

 

“The kid needed seventeen stiches.  One of his eyes was swollen shut.  Iolo, that’s not you, man.”

 

Iolo shakes his head and then stares up at the ceiling, kicking his legs against the crate.  “I know,” he whispers.  “I’m mad.”

 

“Iolo,” Snap says, “we’re all mad.”

 

“No, Snap, let me get this out.  I’m mad at the idiots who are talking about him like he isn’t a kriffing war hero.  I’m mad at him for thinking he had to handle this by himself.  I’m mad at Finn for not telling us he was alive.  I’m mad at the Order for fucking him up and leaving him…”  Iolo shakes his head.  “Can you imagine?”

 

“No,” Snap says.  “I don’t think any of us ever really think about what it would be like to…  Hell, I’ve always figured I’m just gonna die in a crash or get shot out of the sky.”

 

“Yeah,” Iolo says.  He kicks the crate a bit harder.  “Mad at myself too.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I don’t know.  Feel like I should’ve realized it was a ruse, that the explosion didn’t kill him.  I should’ve been…I…”  Iolo jumps off the crate and starts pacing.  “Dammit, Snap, he was out there for two years and we didn’t…”

 

“That’s why we gotta be there for him now.”

 

“I don’t think I can.”

 

“Iolo—”

 

“Snap, he could’ve asked for our help!  Any one of us would’ve flown anywhere in the galaxy at a moment’s notice and would’ve helped him figure this out.  But no!  He had to be Poe fucking Dameron!  Always the hero, right?  And you’ve seen what it’s done to Jess, not to mention Finn and the General, and I’m just…”  He shakes his head.  “I understand why he did it, but,” he says, catching Snap’s eyes, “it really pisses me off.  It was reckless and self-centered and…”

 

“Poe,” Snap says.

 

“Yeah,” Iolo says. 

 

Snap frowns.  _It’s nothing I haven’t thought myself_.  He sighs.  “Okay,” he says.  “But you’ve gotta try to explain this to Karé.  You know how she gets.”

 

Iolo nods.  “Known her longer than you have, buddy.”

 

_Buddy_.  It just hangs there, and an awkward silence descends on them, neither sure what they should do next.

 

Finally, Snap slaps Iolo on the back.  “What say we try to forget about all of this for a while and get stinking drunk?”  It’s the worst-kept secret in the Resistance that Snap makes a very potent homemade brew.

 

Iolo smiles.  “Sounds good,” he says, slapping Snap on the back and falling into step next to him.

 

They both fill the walk back to Snap’s room with the bluster and swagger of two men trying way too hard to pretend that everything is okay.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Karé and Jess sit in the hangar watching Rey poke and prod BB-8.

 

“Your girl’s impressive,” Karé says.

 

“Mmmmmm,” Jess agrees.  “I don’t sleep with just anyone.  Not like you.”

 

Karé smiles.  “I’ll be sure to tell Snap that next time I see him.”

 

“Oh, he knows,” Jess says, leaning into her friend.  “Think she’ll find anything?”

 

“If anyone can, it’s got to be her, right?”

 

“Did Finn say why Poe wouldn’t just override the programming for us?”

 

“He had help because he was blind at the time.”  Karé shakes her head.  “But he won’t tell us who helped him, and he won’t just tell us what happened before Leritor either.”  She mutters, “Stupid moof-milker.”  She lets out a long breath and stretches.  “Finn thinks he doesn’t want us to find out what happened to him, that this is him still trying to shield us.  As you might have guessed, Iolo thinks it’s just Poe being stubborn.”

 

“Hmmmmm,” Jess sighs, contemplating that.  “Given what little we know, can you blame Poe for not telling us?  I mean, do we really need to know?  It’s not gonna…”  Jess takes a breath and steadies herself.  “It’s not gonna make all this go away.  He’s not gonna…” _see again_.

 

Karé hugs Jess to her.

 

“Hey,” Rey yells from across the hangar, “I think I have something.”

 

The two run over to find Bee playing a degraded recording.   It is of a big family in small quarters.  A young girl—not more than seven or eight—runs towards Bee’s dome and hugs it.  An older man walks across the frame to talk to Poe in the background. 

 

They all watch, amazed as Bee repeats the twenty or so seconds of footage two more times.

 

“Bee, I want you to upload that into the system and see if we can get any hits on facial recognition in the Republic databases.  Focus especially on the man talking to Poe, and start with Fresia and then Corellia.  We know that Poe was on both of those planets,” Rey says.

 

Bee chirps an affirmative and rolls off. 

 

Rey stands and wipes her forehead.  “It’s something,” she says.

 

“With any hope, we’ll get a hit,” Jess says.

 

“They looked nice,” Karé says, remembering that Poe was smiling in the background.

 

“Yeah,” Rey repeats.  “He looked happy.”

 

None of them knows what to make of that.

 

* * *

 

“Will you relax,” Poe says, stretching out on his bed.

 

Snap fidgets in his chair.  “Sorry, Poe, it’s just that…  Sorry.”

 

Poe chuckles.  “Snap, it’s okay.  I know this is weird.  Trust me.”

 

“Yeah, I just…didn’t know what to expect?  I mean, you look good, and…”  Snap sighs heavily.  “Kriff, man, you were dead.”

 

Poe really laughs at that.  “Yes, I was.”

 

Snap looks up and relaxes.  “It’s a lot to take in.”

 

Poe decides to take the conversation in a new direction.  “How long are you here?”

 

“Three days.  Depending on the state of things, Karé’s coming sometime next week, and then Rey will be here.”

 

“Rey, huh?”

 

“Yeah, uh, Jess isn’t ready yet.”

 

“Didn’t figure,” Poe says.  “Finn filled me in on some of that.”

 

Snap shakes his head.  “We weren’t sure there for a while.  It hit her hard, harder than anything I’ve ever seen her go through.  And then to find out you were still alive.  And now what with the…”  He lets the sentence trail off.

 

“Now that I’m blind,” Poe says.

 

“You’re not blind,” Snap says.

 

“Fine.  Now that I’m _visually impaired_ ,” Poe says.

 

_How can he make jokes about this_ , Snap thinks.  His voice cracks just a bit as he says, “Yeah, she’s just not up to it yet.”  _May never be_.

 

“And Iolo?”

 

Snap frowns.  “There’s something going on there.  I don’t know what it is.  Hell, I’m not sure Iolo knows.  He’s angry.”

 

Poe nods.  “Sounds about right.”

 

“I figure he’ll come around eventually.”

 

Poe shrugs.  “Or not.”

 

Snap looks at him, confused.

 

“Look, man, I get it.  It’s what I was trying to protect all of you from, this strange in-between space.  It’s much easier if I’m dead,” Poe says.

 

“Poe,” Snap starts.

 

“No, man, I’m not saying I wish I was dead.  I’m saying that for all of you, it would’ve been easier if I’d stayed dead.  Why do you think the General had a memorial and all?”

 

“She knew,” Snap asks, dumbfounded.

 

“Yeah, she and Finn both knew,” Poe says, realizing that it’s been two years since he’s talked to Leia Organa.  Realizing he’s not sure how he feels about that.  There’s some anger there that he really doesn’t want to deal with.  Ever.

 

“Wow,” Snap says.

 

“Don’t be too hard on Iolo, okay?”

 

“So, you’re just gonna be all tranquil about all of this now?”  _This isn’t the picture that Finn painted of the new Poe._

 

“No,” Poe says.  “Trust me, I’m not tranquil.  It’s just not going to do me any good to sit here and stew about it.”

 

“True,” Snap says.  After a moment, he looks around the room.  “So, what are we supposed to do?”

 

“Hell if I know.  Want to play a game?”

 

The way Snap’s face lights up, Poe can’t help but smile.

 

* * *

 

They’re playing dejarik, and after the third game when Poe had pointedly told Snap to “quit letting me win or I’m gonna deck you,” they’ve settled into a companionable silence.  Snap is, of course, winning—in a fair game (any game) he nearly always does—but Poe is simply enjoying the normalcy of it.

 

He leans back, studying the board, and smiles. 

 

Snap shakes his head.  “Just move already,” he breathes out, tapping his fingers along the side of the board.

 

“Patience.  Patience,” Poe quips.

 

Snap runs a fingernail along the metal table top, and in an instant, Poe is there—in the dark, strapped down, and he’s having trouble breathing.  He can feel his hands grip the side of the table they’re playing on and from far away, he can hear Snap shouting.  He feels like he’s in a long dark tunnel and he needs to get away from the noise.  There’s more people talking now.  Poe pushes back from the table and scrambles to his bed, curling up in a ball and covering his head.  He starts screaming.

 

* * *

 

Dr. Talan comes out of Poe’s room.

 

“Is he,” Snap asks, leaning forward, trying to peer in.

 

“He’s resting.”  She puts a hand on Snap’s shoulder and guides him down the hall.  “We’re still discovering things that trigger him.  Laughter is one.  Metallic noises or the feel of cold metal is another.”

 

“Fragging hell,” Snap breathes out.  “I didn’t,” he starts.

 

Dr. Tallan pats his back.  “It’s okay, Captain.  He’s not angry with you.  This…”  She frowns.  “This is just going to be how things are for the foreseeable future.”

 

“Kriff,” Snap whispers.

 

They continue walking.

 

Snap’s been a soldier almost all his life—far longer than Testor or Iolo or even Poe—and he’s seen the sorts of trauma that life can bring, but what’s happening to Poe?  It feels different. 

 

_Because it’s Poe._

 

Snap spares a look back at Poe’s room.  “What did they do to him, doc?”

 

She shakes her head, crossing her arms in front of her.  Dr. Talan reminds herself she is a professional and then thinks, _screw it_.  “They treated his body and his brain like their own personal playthings.  They made it so he can’t trust what he’s feeling and he thinks that if he’s near the people he loves, he’s going to hurt them.  It’s fucked up,” she says.

 

Snap can’t help a nervous laugh.

 

“Well, it is,” the doctor says.

 

“Yeah, I…”  He shakes his head.  “It’s just good to hear you say it.”

 

* * *

 

Before Snap leaves, Poe makes him promise not to tell Finn about the episode.  “It’ll just worry him, and there’s nothing he can do about it.  I’m sure Dr. Talan told you.  It’s _normal_.”  Poe is beginning to hate that word.

 

Snap reluctantly agrees.

 

In time, Karé and Rey visit too, and Poe is extra cautious around them, has Dr. Talan warn them in advance about touching, and laughter and metal.

 

And their visits do help.  All of them report to Finn that Poe seems calm, better.  And Finn has the evidence of his weekly comms with Poe.  They don't last long, but in every one, Poe smiles and tells Finn he's getting better.

 

Finn can’t help but worry, though.  He knows Poe well enough to know that Poe’s asking their friends not to tell him the full story, and he's giving Finn his best face during the comms.  _Damn idiot is still trying to protect me_.

 

In his bed, staring up at the ceiling late at night, he frets.  _I hate that I don’t trust my boyfriend anymore._

 

Then, the realization, _if he is still my boyfriend._

 

Finn’s hands instinctively ball into fists.  He’s been trying to keep the punching and kicking things to a minimum here on base—too many beings who might notice bruised knuckles or scuffed boots.  Instead, Finn forces his hands to relax.  He gets up, pulling on his shoes. 

 

He’s been taking a lot more late night runs these days.

 

* * *

 

Iolo pulls the stash out from under his bunk.  He’s never been much of a drinker, but things have been tense between him and the other pilots for the past few weeks and a nip or two in the evenings helps take the edge off.

 

He takes a swig of the rum—he’d been saving it for a special occasion, but _…  Any port in a storm, right?_   He takes a deep breath, feeling it warm his insides.

 

He leans back on his bunk and his thoughts drift to Rapier squadron and his time in the Republic Navy.  He laughs into the darkness of his room.  “Seems like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it?” 

 

_I miss it_ , he thinks.  He takes another drink.

 

Back then, they were all reckless kids—Poe being Poe, and Karé squabbling over the coms, and Muran… 

 

_Why’d you have to die, Muran?_

Their faces flash through his mind.

 

_L’ulo?_

_Ello?_

_Poe?_

_Fuck you, Poe.  What in the fuck were you thinking with all this?  Why didn’t you ask for help, you stupid, kriffing…_

Iolo takes another drink.  He drags his arm across his lips, leaning his head back against the wall _.  I miss you, you stupid jerk._

Iolo closes his eyes, refusing to cry.  _Stupid kriffing war._   He feels so small and so alone.  He puts the stopper back on the bottle and shoves it under his bed.  “Fuck the First Order,” he says to the darkness.

 

“And fuck you, Muran!  And you too, Poe!”

 

_Why’d you have to leave me?_

_Why can’t it be like it used to be?_

 

He stares at the ceiling _.  Why did it all have to change?_

 

* * *

 

Rey enters the conference room with Bee.  Karé and the General are sitting waiting for her.

 

“Rey, I’ve asked Karé to be a part of this.  When the time comes, and I’m confident it will, I want her heading up the attack on the base where they held Poe.”

 

Rey sits.  “We found a bit more footage.  Actually, it’s a fairly long recording, but,” she frowns, “it’s from just after the explosion.” 

 

She nods to Bee.  Grainy video of Poe’s X-wing floating listlessly in space flickers in front of them.  They watch as a First Order transport appears alongside.  A tractor beam pulls the ship in.  Droids pop Poe’s hatch and retrieve him and then pull BB-8 from Black One.  The ship is then ejected from the transport and Bee records the Order blowing it up.  Karé shudders at the image.  The General begins drumming her fingers on the table in front of her.

 

Poe and Bee are put on the floor of the hangar.  The droids remove Poe’s helmet and one begins scanning him, offering a preliminary diagnosis: “Major trauma to the head.  Burns on the hands and arms.  Probable internal bleeding.”

 

Two officers approach them, studying Poe intently.  “Get him to medical,” one of them orders.  A group of Stormtroopers descends on Poe, carrying him away.

 

The second one crouches in front of Bee.  “Destroy it?”

 

“No, it could prove useful,” the first one says.  “But deactivate it, just the same.”  The video abruptly ends.

 

They all sit in silence for a few moments.

 

Leia comes back first.  “Bee, upload this into the system.  We’ll run scans to see if we can recognize anyone.”  She leans back and frowns.  “The timestamp on that video would seem to indicate they got Poe aboard one of their transports while the fighting was still going on.”  She presses her fingers into the table.  “They must have worked quickly to keep him out of our sights.”

 

Karé is mentally berating herself—and everyone who was at Selvaris—for missing that.  They’d all assumed that the first explosion had been Black One, but it was a decoy.  “Kriff,” she whispers.  _This is our fucking fault._

 

Karé is fuming and she looks up to see Rey and the General lost in their own thoughts too.  The room is starting to feel suffocating.

 

_Can’t think like this, Kun._   She takes a breath.  _Focus._   “At some point, the First Order release him and then a family takes him in,” Karé says.  “Or something?  I mean, that holovid that Rey found doesn’t line up with what we know about Frina and her people, so it had to be from sometime in-between the Order and Poe ending up on Leritor.”  She sighs.  “Is there a reason that Poe isn’t telling us this?”

 

Leia shakes her head.  “He’s evasive about what happened before he ended up in Coronet City and even about what happened there, and the specialist, Dr. Talan, doesn’t want us pushing him on it.  From what little Finn and the doctors have learned, he remembers nothing of his time with the Order, aside from some very intense flashes of memory.  Honestly, I think he’s scared of what we might find out if we do trace this back to its source.”

 

Rey’s jaw clenches as she thinks, _Then should we be doing it?_

 

“And he’s being a self-sacrificing ass,” Leia says in a low voice.

 

Karé smiles.  _Sounds like Poe_.

 

Rey’s forehead is scrunched in concentration.  “Forgetting about Poe for the moment, I can’t help thinking about the Order’s strategy.  Why didn’t they simply put him somewhere where we’d be sure to find him,” Rey asks.

 

Leia shakes her head.  She stands.  “Keep working on Bee, Rey.  I’m confident we’ll figure more of this out.”

 

* * *

 

“Poe, you have a visitor,” one of the nurses says. 

 

Poe pushes himself up and walks to the chair beside his window.  The de-programming is exhausting and between it, the physical therapy, and his regular sessions with his psychiatrist, he finds he has little energy beyond sitting or sleeping, but visitors are always nice.  It’s just, unless Snap has decided to come back or Jess has gotten over her fears, Poe has no idea who’d be here.

 

He turns to look at the doorway and as his visitor appears, he lets out a low, “Kriff.”

 

“Exactly,” says Kes Dameron.

 

“Dad?”

 

“Glad you remember,” Kes says, walking in.

 

Poe pushes himself up and smiles.  Kes pauses before walking further.  “Can I hug you?”  Poe nods and his father wraps his arms around him. 

 

They stay like that for several minutes before Poe whispers, “How?”

 

“Finn’s been keeping me updated and he said there might be a lull in visitors, so…”

 

Poe’s crying and he’s pretty sure his dad is too, but he’s eternally grateful that Kes isn’t mentioning it as they break apart and sit down.

 

“I…”  Poe shakes his head.  “I probably owe you about a million apologies.”

 

“Yeah, kid, that’s a low estimate.”

 

“I didn’t want anyone to get hurt,” Poe says.

 

“And in the last few months,” Kes asks.

 

Poe sighs.  He opens his mouth and then shuts it.

 

“Kid, you gotta give me something.”  Kes is trying so hard not to be annoyed with his only child right now.  His only child who has miraculously returned from the dead.  Kes is having a hard time processing all of his emotions right now.

 

Poe stares at his hands in his lap.  “How is that comm supposed to go exactly, dad?  _Hey, guess what?  I’m not dead.  By the way, I was tortured for several months and I can’t see too well anymore and I’m never going to fly again and they’ve got me on Coruscant de-programming me because yeah, I forgot to mention, I was programmed by the Order and I might hurt you or try to kill someone.  And oh, one last thing, everyone’s mad at me for trying to protect them and I figure you are too, and everything’s a mess and even though I’m not in constant pain anymore, I cry all the time and loud noises scare me and sometimes I can’t stand to be touched.  How are you?_ ”

 

Kes is usually ready with a quip, but words fail him.

 

Poe balls his hands up into fists and presses them against his legs, trying not to wail.  In the end, he can’t hold it back.  Huge sobs escape from him and his head falls forward into his hands.  “I’m so sorry, dad.”

 

Kes remembers what Poe was like after Shara’s death and this is something completely different.  Back then, Poe tried to be brave.  He held everything inside—just like Kes tried to do.  It wasn’t healthy, but Kes understood it.  This—this is unsettling, mainly because Kes doesn’t know how he’s supposed to make it better.

 

He rises and walks to Poe.  His hand is out and hovering before he thinks to ask, “Can I?”

 

Poe makes some sort of reply that Kes hopes is a _yes_.  He puts his hand on his son’s back and stands there, feeling useless and angry and sad.  He wants to say something, to do something, but he’s at a loss, so he just stands there, hoping this small gesture is enough.

 

Eventually, Poe stops shaking and Kes can hear sniffles.  Poe sits up, pulling off his glasses and wiping his eyes.  “Sorry about that,” Poe starts.

 

“You never apologize for crying, son,” Kes says.  “Ever.”

 

Poe nods.

 

Kes sits back down.

 

“I am sorry, dad,” Poe says, and Kes feels like a heel for even once being mad at Poe for any of this.  Finn had said that Poe was different but he hadn’t…

 

Kes takes a deep breath.  “What do you need from me, Poe?”

 

Poe looks at him and reaches out his hand.  Kes takes it and squeezes it.  “I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need a place to stay soon.”

 

“What about the—”

 

“I…”  Poe shakes his head.  “I’m going to go back.  There’s some things I need to take care of there, but… I don’t know.  I don’t think that’s…  I don’t think I’ll be able...”  He sighs.  “I just don’t know, dad.”

 

Kes wants to argue.  _The Resistance is your life, son.  Hell, you’re more dedicated than your mother was, and that’s saying something._   But Kes knows that’s not what Poe needs to hear right now, so he nods.  “Your room is ready whenever you want it.”

 

“Thanks,” Poe says.

 

“Have you told Finn yet?  That you might be leaving?”

 

“No,” Poe says.

 

“That’s gonna be a mess,” Kes says without thinking.

 

Poe can’t help his chuckle.  “Yeah.”  He tries not to let his thoughts linger on Finn, that’s just too painful at the moment.

 

“I like him,” Kes says.

 

“I do too,” Poe says.  “But…”

 

“But?”

 

“But I don’t want him spending the rest of his life looking after me.”

 

“What if that’s what he wants,” Kes asks.

 

“I can’t…I…”  Poe huffs out a breath.  “I need to let him go, and I need for him to let me go.”

 

“We got you back because he wouldn’t let you go,” Kes says.

 

_Yeah, and was it worth it?_  

 

Poe keeps that thought to himself.  Instead, he just nods and squeezes his father’s hand again.

 

* * *

 

Karé barks at Kaydel, “Find Rey and get her in here immediately.”

 

Kaydel is opening up a comm channel to Rey, who has flown to the other side of the planet to do some training exercises with Luke Skywalker.  While she’s speaking into the comms, Finn walks over to Karé.  “What is it?”

 

She looks torn.

 

“Karé, I have as much a right as anyone to know.”

 

Karé looks across command and finds the General’s eyes.  The General nods.  “We got a hit on the old man talking to Poe.  His name is Treeno Archan.  He works at the Incom-2 Port on Coromon-1 on Fresia.”

 

“When do we talk to him?”

 

“We?”

 

Finn gives her a pointed stare.

 

“We’ll have to run this by the General first,” she says.  “And I want Rey in on this too.”

 

“Sounds good,” Finn says. 

 

Karé puts a hand on his shoulder.  “Are you sure you want to do this?”

 

“Yeah,” he says.

 

“You might not like what we find,” Karé says.

 

“Been there.  Done that already,” Finn says, walking back to his station.  “Just tell me when to be ready.”

 

Two days later, Rey is flying the three of them and Bee to Fresia.  Karé had decided—and the General had agreed—that it might be better if this happened in person.

 

When they set down at the port, it takes them only a few minutes to find Dr. Archan.  Karé has already explained to Finn that this is her mission, so she takes the lead when they enter the medi-center.  “Dr. Archan?”

 

“Yes,” says the kindly-looking old man across the room.

 

“My name is Karé Kun.  I’m with the Resistance, and these are my associates Rey and Finn.  We’d—”

 

“Finn,” the old man interrupts.  “I was hoping I’d get to meet you.”  He walks over holding out his hand.  “Lu will be sorry she missed you.”

 

“Lu,” Finn asks.

 

“My granddaughter.  Cass told her so many stories, but her favorites were about a dashing ex-Stormtrooper named Finn.  Hero of the Resistance.”

 

Finn blushes.

 

“So, you know why we’re here then,” Rey says.  Bee dings at her feet.

 

“Hello, Bee,” the old man coos, patting the droid on its dome.  “It’s good to see you again.  Although I doubt you’d remember me.” 

 

[No] the droid says.

 

“Didn’t figure,” the man says.  “Lu and Cass were very good with their programming.”

 

[Too good.]

 

The old man laughs.  “Yes, probably.”

 

“So, you know Bee,” Karé asks, trying to get the old man’s attention.

 

He looks up at her.  “Oh yes, very familiar with Bee,” Dr. Archan says.  “And that’s really your name, little one?”

 

Bee dings an affirmative.

 

The doctor looks to Rey.  “Cass, he’s okay, right?  They got someone to look at his eyes and fix that leg?”

 

“Yes,” she says.

 

“Good,” the old man says.  “I worry.  Lu does too, and…  I know that’s not his real name.”  He pats Bee’s dome again.  “The boy gives me a fake name but doesn’t even bother to give you one.”  He laughs.  “Of course, I knew the name was fake from the beginning.”

 

“And you didn’t pry,” Karé asks.

 

Dr. Archan levels her with a knowing stare.  “Lots of reasons one might want to change one’s name.  Especially with the Order running around,” he says.  He wanders over to a desk and sits.  He then reaches under his tunic and produces a necklace with a key on it.  “He told me his name was Cass.  What is it really?”

 

“Poe,” Finn says.  “Poe Dameron.”

 

The old man pauses.  “Of course, it is.”  He mutters to himself, “The papers are fake.  Right,” he chuckles mirthlessly.  He looks up at the group.  “Well, that explains a lot.”  He takes the key and unlocks a drawer in the desk.  He pulls out a datachip and some flimsi.  “That’s the paperwork he had on him when we found him.  And I had a friend scour all the footage he could find of the port the day that Cass…I mean, Poe arrived.  He found some interesting things.”  He slides the flimsi and chip over to Rey.  “And I’ve been keeping my ears open.”

 

“We’re going to want to know everything you know,” Karé says.

 

“Of course,” Dr. Archan answers.

 

* * *

 

As they fly back to base, Rey says, “I’m guessing with the information Dr. Archan has given us and what we’ve been able to scrounge up from Bee, we’ll have a decent idea of where the base is soon.”

 

Finn says, “I know I’m a little rusty on First Order locations, but I might be some help in narrowing down the list.”

 

Karé nods.  After a few moments, she says, “We know he was dumped on Fresia.  Core world, so they definitely wanted it to be easy for him to contact us.  Plus, they put paperwork on him identifying him as Poe and creating a plausible reason why he disappeared for a few months.”

 

“And they left Bee with him.  They had to assume the first thing Bee would do would be to try to reach us,” Rey adds.

 

“But Poe saw through that almost immediately,” Karé says.

 

Finn continues the story, “He stays with Dr. Archan for a while, and Dr. Archan’s granddaughter helps him reprogram Bee.  Then, Dr. Archan finds him work in Coronet City.  By his estimate, it would’ve taken Poe about a month to reach Corellia, and sometime during that month, Poe reactivated Bee.”

 

“But he must’ve tested Bee out a few times with Dr. Archan,” Rey says.  “Otherwise, we wouldn’t have that footage.”

 

“True,” Finn says.  “Then, we know that at some point, Poe decided to leave Corellia, and Frina told us about her friend Johoon, who brought Poe to her.”

 

“At which point,” Karé says, “he’s dropped the alias Cassian Bey and is back to being Poe.”

 

“We’ve probably accounted for all of his time after the Order, then,” Rey says.

 

Finn’s face has grown dark.

 

“Finn, what is it?”

 

_None of this seems like standard operating procedure._   He bites his lip and shakes his head before saying, “Two things are bugging me.”

 

Karé’s voice sounds hollow as she asks, “First?”

 

“My guess is that this little _experiment_ with Poe happened off the books.”

 

“Meaning,” Rey asks.

 

“Poe would’ve been a high value prisoner, and I can’t imagine Ren would’ve passed up an opportunity at torturing him or killing him, not to mention Hux.”  Finn shakes his head again.  “No, I have to think that whoever did this, didn’t tell command that they had Poe.”

 

“Kriff,” Rey whispers.

 

“Exactly,” Finn says.  “Which means that…”  He takes a deep breath, trying not to think too hard about the implications of his words.  “Which means that they were free to be as…”  Finn licks his lips and he tries again.  “The Order are sick bastards, but there are protocols in place, especially when you’re trying to keep a prisoner alive, and I just…”  He looks up into both of their eyes.  _Please understand what I’m trying to say here_.

 

Rey nods. 

 

Karé looks confused.

 

_Fuck, I’m going to have to say it._   Finn looks at his feet, refusing to meet her eyes.  “Karé, even the Order has rules about torture, things they won’t do.  If the…beings who held Poe weren’t reporting to command, then they were free to do…”

 

“Fuck.”  Karé closes her eyes as they fill with tears.  Eventually, she asks, “And the second thing bothering you?”

 

“The way that Dr. Weoke and Dr. Talan figure that the reprogramming works is that it tricks Poe’s brain into thinking he is in immense pain or pleasure.”

 

“Pleasure,” Rey asks.

 

“Yeah,” Finn says.  “That’s the twist.  Do what the Order wants, you feel good.  According to Dr. Talan, it’s damn near euphoric for Poe.  She’s amazed he didn’t become addicted to the sensation.”

 

“Kriff,” Karé says.

 

“But,” Finn adds.

 

“But,” Rey says with worry.  _Please tell me this can’t get any worse._

 

“But, go against your programming, and you hurt.  Terrible pain.”

 

“Fragging hell,” Karé says.  “Is that what it was like for you?”

 

“No,” Finn says.  “Reconditioning was just wiping our minds and trying to make us more malleable.  What they did to him was straight up torture.”

 

“The next generation of reconditioning,” Rey whispers.

 

Finn shivers.  “Yeah.”  He has known about the pain programmed into Poe’s head for a while now, but he’d never stopped to think about just how long it had been going on.  It has only now sunk in.  He bites his lip.  “So, in all this time we’ve accounted for, Poe had to be in some degree of pain.  He has been directly defying his programming for nearly two years.  There’s no way that…”   _He’s been in constant pain every single day for…_   Finn takes in a sharp breath.

 

The same thought occurs to Karé and Rey as well.

 

“Fuck,” Karé says.  She turns away from the other two, wiping her eyes.

 

“How did he,” Rey starts to ask and she can’t finish it.  She looks at Finn, pure horror on her face. 

 

Finn shakes his head and turns away, quickly wiping away the tears in his eyes.  _How the fuck did he not just…_

 

They sit in silence for a few seconds.  Finally, Karé turns back around and says, “Anyone else feel like finding a First Order base and blowing it up until there’s nothing left but a smoldering mess?”

 

“And then blowing up the mess for good measure,” Rey adds.

 

“Fuck yes,” Finn says.

 

 


	7. Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming to terms with the way things have to be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear readers, you nearly didn't get a chapter today--the craziness of my personal life aside, today was the day when Ao3 decided not to let me copy and paste as I normally do. I finally figured a way around the hiccup, but had to go back through the chapter and re-italize things (Urg). So there may be some formatting mistakes and if there are, I apologize.
> 
> By the way, this is a long chapter, probably the longest in the entire fic.
> 
> tw: brief suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, panic attack, nightmares

 

 

There is a beep at the door.  “Come in,” Poe says.  
  
Dr. Talan asks, “How are you feeling today?”  
  
Poe shrugs.  
  
She nods to the chair next to his bed.  
  
“Sure,” Poe says.  
  
She sits.  “Do you want to talk about it?”  
  
“Not really,” Poe says, and then almost immediately, he throws his head back with a huff and says, “It’s just so kriffing frustrating.  I mean, the pain has stopped.”  He looks at Dr. Talan.  “That’s nice.  I mean, really, thanks for that, doc.  And there are days when I feel fine and it’s almost like I’m normal again.”  _Normal._   “But most days I’m scared the pain is going to come back.  I’m so fucking paranoid that I’m gonna think the wrong thing or say the wrong word and my head is going to explode, and it’s just so kriffing…”  He starts rocking back and forth—a new tick he’s picked up in the last few weeks.  “Terrifying,” he whispers.  “Am I ever gonna…”  His eyes are imploring her to help.  “Am I ever not gonna be scared of that, doc?”  
  
Dr. Talan sighs.  “I don’t know.  I think so.  But Poe, it’s going to take time.”  
  
_TIME.  FUCKING TIME._   Every answer these days seems to be it’s going to take time.  He closes his eyes and forces himself to count backwards from ten.    
  
“Poe?”  
  
“Yeah, I get it.  It’s just…”  He shakes his head.  
  
“Frustrating,” she finishes for him.  
  
“Yeah.  And the noises—I NEVER know what’s going to set me off!  Last week, it was someone coughing.  Coughing!  How in the kriff am I supposed to live around other people when I’m going to curl up into a ball every time someone coughs?  Huh?  What kind of kriffing life is that?”  He stops abruptly and curls up in on himself a bit.  “And when is it going to be okay for people to touch me again?”  He swallows hard.  “Sometimes…”  He stares at the foot of his bed and finally whispers, “Sometimes I miss it so bad, but then, the next second, I want to scream if someone touches me.”  He lets out a long breath.  “It’s like I’m on a ship without a pilot, just freefalling all the kriffing time.”  He gives a mirthless chuckle.  “So yeah, I’m doing great.”  
  
The doctor sighs.  “I wish I had some magical spell that could make this all better.  I really do.  But for what it’s worth, given the psychological trauma you’ve experienced, this is actually quite normal.”  
  
_Normal._   “Doesn’t make me feel better.”  
  
“Didn’t figure it would,” she says.  She leans back in her chair and starts studying her datapad.  “I know you’re frustrated and I know it feels like you’re getting worse—”  
  
“Because I am, doc.”  
  
“No, you’re not, Poe.  I’ve been talking to some of the others, and we’re very pleased with your progress.”  
  
Poe snorts.  
  
“Poe,” she says, like she might to a misbehaving child.  “When was the last time you threw a tantrum or tried to harm yourself?”  
  
Poe opens his mouth and then realizes that since he’s come to Dr. Talan’s facility, he’s calmed down.  A lot.  He shrugs.  “I don’t know.”  
  
She smiles.  “Exactly.”  She leans back in her chair.  “Look, Poe, I came in here to tell you that, given the preliminary results of our tests this week, I’m fairly confident that we’ve erased the Order’s programming.”  
  
This makes Poe sit up.  “What?”  
  
She nods.  “It looks like it.  I mean, we won’t know for sure for another few weeks, but…”  
  
“They’re outta my head?”  
  
“It looks that way.”  
  
“Kriff.”  On one hand, this is the best news he’s ever heard.  On the other, Poe is overwhelmed.  _What in the fuck am I supposed to do now?_  
  
_I don’t want to leave._  
  
Dr. Talan seems to sense his anxiety.  “Poe, just because we’ve managed to get at their programming doesn’t mean that there isn’t a lot of hard work ahead of you.”  She studies her datapad.  “I’m guessing in about two weeks, we’ll be able to say with much more certainty if we’ve managed to de-program you, and if we have, then, you’d be free to leave.”  She puts down the datapad.  “Of course, free to leave with the caveat that you continue taking your medication and you find a qualified doctor to help you work through your trauma.  That isn’t going to go away just because we managed to beat their reconditioning.  Dr. Gorsham—that’s your therapist, right?—they can make some suggestions, either someone at the Resistance base or…elsewhere.  But…”  She makes sure to catch Poe’s eye.  “But there is still a long road ahead of you.”  
  
“Can I stay here?”  
  
Dr. Talan gives him a sad smile.  “No.”  She stands and walks over to him, her hand hovering above his arm.  
  
“Sure, doc.”  
  
She puts it there, just barely squeezing, and squats next to him.  “I honestly think you’ll do better if you’re in a more natural environment.  Around people you know.  You’d mentioned going back to your father’s ranch on Yavin IV?”  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  “But I’ll need to go back to the Resistance first.”  Poe’s heart starts thumping.  
  
“That scares you,” Dr. Talan says.  It isn’t a question.  
  
Poe nods.  “I…  I just don’t know what…”  _What if I don’t fit in there anymore?  What if they all realize I’m a failure?  What if it’s loud?  What if people touch me?_  
  
“Poe,” she says gently.  “Try to focus.”  
  
“What if they all hate me,” he whispers.  
  
“Poe, we know that isn’t true.  Snap, Karé, and Rey don’t hate you.  Finn certainly doesn’t hate you.”  
  
“Yeah, but…”  
  
“Poe, you don’t have to go back there if you think it would be too much,” Dr. Talan says.  
  
Poe sighs.  “I need to, though.”  
  
She squeezes his arm a bit harder.  “Then, we’ll spend the next few weeks figuring out coping strategies.  I’ll make sure that you and Dr. Gorsham spend time working on it, okay?  And I’ll talk to the medical staff there, tell them the best ways to help you.”  
  
Poe nods, already lost in more _what if_ scenarios.  _This is really happening_.  “But it’s over,” Poe finally asks.  
  
“I think so, Colonel Dameron,” the doctor says, rising.  
  
Poe shakes his head in disbelief and he can already feel the tears forming in his eyes.  He’s terrified of what the future might hold, but he also knows that this woman has performed a miracle.  “Doctor, thank you.  Truly.”  
  
“You’re very welcome, Poe.”

 

* * *

  
Since Dr. Talan left, Poe has been sitting in his room staring at the wall.  He’s been giving this a lot of thought these past few weeks, but now that Dr. Talan thinks they’ve actually removed the programming, it’s becoming real.  
  
And that is terrifying.  
  
_I’m not gonna be a part of the Resistance anymore._  
  
That thought hurts him, deep in his core, but he figures if he tells it to himself enough, eventually, he’ll accept that that’s how it has to be.  
  
_It doesn’t make me weak.  It doesn’t make me less.  It’s just…  It’s just the way things have to be.  I can’t function there.  I can’t get better there.  I will be better somewhere with less beings.  Somewhere with fewer noises._  
  
_I’m doing the right thing._  
  
He’s been so good these past weeks at managing his anger and his fear.  It’s been ten days since his last panic attack, for crying the kriff out loud, but the idea that he doesn’t get to serve the Resistance any more feels wrong.  
  
Poe hates the Order, he hates himself, he hates this whole kriffing mess.  His hands ball up into fists and he holds back a scream.  He squeezes his eyes shut, refusing to cry.  
  
_IT’S NOT FAIR._  
  
_IT’S NOT KRIFFING FAIR!_  
  
_WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GIVE THIS UP?_  
  
_ISN’T IT ENOUGH THAT I GAVE UP MY EYES, THAT I CAN’T FLY ANYMORE?_  
  
_WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DO THIS?_  
  
His whole body is shaking, and he’s having trouble breathing.  He tries to remember Dr. Gorsham’s breathing exercises.  _In for six…and hold for six…and out for six…and in for six…_  
  
_You’re taking care of yourself, Poe.  That’s what matters right now._  
  
_Yeah, but it sucks._  
  
_It was supposed to be the rest of my life._  
  
And that thought catches Poe off guard.  He’s never let it come to the surface before.  
  
_Fuck._  
  
_I was supposed to serve in the Resistance and then either die in battle or help us end this war.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this._  
  
_IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!_  
  
And Poe realizes the other thing he hasn’t been letting himself think.  
  
_I was supposed to end up with Finn._  
  
Poe closes his eyes and works on calming his breathing.  _In for six…and hold for six…and out for six…and in for six…_  
  
_You have to let him go._  
  
_You can’t drag him further into this._  
  
Poe’s chest hurts.  It’s one more thing he has to give up—and this one may hurt worse than flying.  
  
_Go back, end this properly, say goodbye._  
  
_Let it go._  
  
His breath hitches.    
  
_It’s not fair._  
  
He’s crying now.  
  
_Nothing about any of this is fair._  
  
_Life isn’t fair._  
  
A few months ago, he might have thought about killing himself.  Now, that thought passes by quickly.  _I’m not gonna do it,_ he knows.  So, he sits for several minutes, staring straight ahead, refusing to let a single thought settle in his head.  He can’t handle them right now.  
  
Eventually, he hears his inner voice say, _I’ll get through this.  It’ll get easier._  
  
_Yeah, right._  
  
Poe hates it, but he knows that there is no other choice.  
  
_A future without Finn, without flying, without the Resistance…_ it’s like someone has bled all the color out of the galaxy.  _It’s how it has to be._  
  
_I’m gonna do this._  
  
_I’m gonna go back, say goodbye, and then move on._  
  
_Because I have to._  
  
_Because I’m taking care of myself_  
  
_Because life isn’t kriffing fair._  
  
Poe leans back in his chair and continues to stare at the wall.  
  
_I hate this._

 

* * *

  
Finn feels his heart beat just a little faster as Kaydel says they have an incoming comm from Dr. Talan’s clinic.  For all the worry, for all the ways they aren’t quite getting along, he still looks forward to these weekly chats with Poe.  
  
As the comm flicks on, Finn can’t help himself.  “Poe?”  
  
“Hello, Finn,” Dr. Talan says, giving him a small wave.  
  
Finn tries not to let his disappointment show, but he can’t help but study the background behind her.  She’s in her office, by the looks of it, and Poe isn’t there.  “Hi, Dr. Talan,” Finn says.  
  
“Poe wanted me to talk to you.”  
  
Finn swallows.  He’s been dreading this.  Given everything that Dr. Weoke and Dr. Talan have told him, Poe is most likely going back to Yavin IV now—far away from the war and _far away from me._  
  
_I just hoped he’d do it face to face._  
  
“We think we’ve erased the programming.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“We think we’ve erased all of the programming.  He hasn’t suffered any of the pain or pleasure symptoms in several weeks, and we don’t think he’s a danger to anyone on the base anymore.”  
  
“He’s cured?”  
  
“Well…”  
  
“Thank goodness,” Finn breathes out.  And he feels a spasm of guilt that some of his relief is because this comm isn’t Poe breaking up with him.  
  
“Finn, _cured_ isn’t the word I’d use.  He’s…”  She takes a deep breath.  “We’re going to keep Poe under observation for a few more weeks, make sure that we’ve beaten the programming.  But if things go according to schedule, we’re going to release him soon.”  
  
Finn nods, not trusting his voice.  
  
“And he wants to come back to base,” she says.  
  
“He does?”  Finn feels like his heart is going to beat out of his chest.  _Oh thank the maker!_ “He said that?”  
  
Dr. Talan looks torn.  She sighs.  “Yes, Finn, but…”  She bites her lip.  
  
“Just tell me, doc.”  
  
“Finn, being in an environment like that is not going to be ideal for him.  I know that the others have probably told you about his triggers.  He’s not in constant pain anymore and his moods have stabilized, but…”  She shakes her head.  “He’s suffered a tremendous trauma; he’s still suffering from it.  And…you’re all going to have to be hyper aware.  I’m going to be contacting the General, as well as the medical staff there, but…”  She makes sure to meet Finn’s eyes.  “I just want you to be aware that this may not work.”  
  
Finn nods, but honestly, he’s only half listening because _Poe’s coming back_.  “Yeah, of course, Dr. Talan.  Thank you.”  
  
The doctor gives Finn a sad smile.  “Be sure to take care of yourself too, Finn.”  
  
“I will,” he says.    
  
She nods.  “We’ll be in touch in a few weeks.”  
  
“Looking forward to it,” Finn says.  
  
The comm ends.  Finn leans back in his chair, feeling lighter than he has in a long while.  _Poe’s coming back._

 

* * *

  
Dr. Talan stares at the blank screen in front of her.  _Let’s hope this works out better than I think it’s going to._  
  
She closes her eyes for a moment.  _It’s a shitty situation, Gwen and…_ She sighs.  _They have to make their own mistakes._ She takes a deep breath, picks up her datapad, and goes back to work.

 

* * *

  
Three weeks later, Poe has steeled himself.  He is scared, but determined to go back to base and do what needs to be done.  
  
He isn’t sure who he’s been expecting when Dr. Talan discharges him—probably his father or Finn—but he certainly doesn’t expect the General to be standing outside the clinic.  She smiles at him.  “Hello, Poe.”  
  
“Ma’am,” he says, hating that he now walks with a slight limp.  
  
“You look good,” she says and she doesn’t move to hug him.  _They’ve talked to her._  
  
“Thanks, ma’am,” he says.  
  
“Poe, for kriff’s sake, you were dead.  Call me Leia.”  
  
“Yes, ma—Leia.”  
  
She shakes her head and points to a vehicle.  “I was happy to hear you’d decided to come back to base.  We’ve missed you.”  
  
“Have you talked to dad,” Poe asks.  
  
“Yes,” Leia says, “but all he told me was that you weren’t quite sure what you were going to do when you got out.”  
  
“Yeah.  I…uh,” Poe sighs.  “I’m not sure that coming back will be a permanent thing.”  
  
Leia smiles.  “Poe, you should do whatever is going to help you get better.”  
  
Poe nods, feeling like a failure.  _I’m letting her down.  I’m letting them all down._  
  
“But while we have you,” Leia says, “we have some leads on the people that did this to you and we’d like your help.”  
  
“Help?”  
  
“Poe, we’d like to shut down this…program, or whatever it is, before they can hurt any other beings.”  
  
Poe knows that’s not the truth—at least not all of it—the Resistance wants some vengeance, and he can’t say he blames them, although he’s come to terms with the fact that it won’t change anything, not really.    
  
Poe hears himself say, “Whatever you need, ma’am.”  
  
She shoots him a stern look.  
  
“Leia,” he says.  
  
“Good,” she says, “We’ll get started once you’ve settled back in on base.”  She nods to the driver and they take off towards the port.  
  
Looking at her—Leia Organa: princess, General, probably the person he admires most in the galaxy after his parents—Poe can’t quite say what needs to be said.  _I can’t fight in your war anymore and I don’t need you fighting mine for me_.  Instead, he says, “Okay.”  There’s a _but_ left implicit, but he’s grateful when she doesn’t press him any further.

 

* * *

  
In the end, they change ships twice and take a very round-about way back to base, and Poe is beyond tired when they land.  Leia studies him for a moment and says, “If you aren’t up for this, I can tell them…”  
  
Something inside Poe snaps at that.  _I’m not some damn broken relic._   “I’ll be fine,” he lies.  
  
Leia gets to the top of the ramp first and is grateful that only a few people are present.  Snap, Karé, Rey, Jess, and Iolo stand next to Finn on the tarmac.  Poe comes up next to her.  “Ready,” she asks.  
  
“Maker, I hope so,” he says.  _Kriff._  
  
Leia smiles.  “Honesty suits you, Poe.”  
  
He laughs.  “Let’s see if you feel that way in a few days.”  He starts down the ramp.  
  
Poe doesn’t know what he’s expecting.  He’s already seen Finn, Snap, Karé, and Rey—already been through their shock and poorly hidden tears—but Iolo and Jess?  He licks his lips.  Jess is clearly not okay.  She’s holding poor Rey’s hand so tight it might break.  And Iolo looks reserved, not quite angry, but…  _Yeah, he’s pissed._  
  
Poe raises a hand in a wave.  “Hey.”  
  
“Really, Dameron?”  Snap shakes his head.  “That’s all you’ve got after two years?  Hey?”  
  
He smiles.  “I’ll give you a speech when I’ve had a chance to rest.”  He looks at Jess.  “How are you?”  It’s intended for everyone, but especially her.  
  
“Better now that you’re back,” Karé answers.  
  
“Yeah?”  Poe’s eyes are still on Jess.  
  
“Of course, you moof-milker,” she says.  She slips from Rey’s grasp, walking slowly up to him.  She holds out her arms.  “Is it okay?”  
  
Poe nods and Jess envelops him in a hug.  He brings both arms around her and rests his head on top of hers.  “I’m so sorry, Testor,” he whispers.  
  
Jess is crying.  “What? For saving my life?”  
  
“No,” he says, “for everything else.”  
  
The two of them stay like that for a long time.  Finn eventually steps forward and clears his throat.  Jess and Poe break away from each other awkwardly, both wiping their eyes.  
  
“We should probably get you settled,” Finn says.  
  
Poe nods and looks at the group.  “It really is good to see you.”  He then motions for Finn to show the way.  
  
As he’s limping after Finn, he can’t help but feel their eyes on him, and the anger that’s been his constant companion all these months flares.  _They’re gonna talk about me after I’m gone._   _Poor Poe.  He’s so broken.  And useless and…_   Poe tenses, trying to make it go away.  “They’re my friends,” he whispers.  
  
“Huh,” Finn asks.  
  
“Nothing,” Poe says, “just tired.”  
  
Finn nods and points to the door of their old room and Poe’s entire being seizes up.  _I can’t do this.  I can’t live in there.   I can’t live in there with him and pretend things are like they used to be and…  Breathe, Poe.  Just fragging breathe._   Finn is walking in and Poe follows him on automatic.  
  
“The old place,” Finn says, gesturing around.  “It isn’t that different.”  
  
_No, it’s almost exactly the same_ , Poe thinks.  _I have to get out of here_.  
  
Finn points to a crate in the middle of the room.  “I didn’t open it,” he says.  
  
Poe stares at it as if it might explode.  “Yeah, that’s okay.  I don’t want it,” he says.  “You should get rid of it.”  
  
“Poe,” Finn starts.  
  
“No, seriously, just…”  Poe is so tired and he knows he’s probably not making the best decisions right now, but it’s been a long day and he cannot face what’s in that crate.  
  
He sits on the bed and looks around the room.  “I can’t stay here.”  
  
“What,” Finn asks.  
  
“There’s only one bed,” Poe says.  _And this room is haunted by the Poe who used to live here._  
  
Finn feels as if he’s been slapped, but he recovers quickly.  “We can move another bed in here.”  
  
“No,” Poe says, rising.  “I shouldn’t bunk in here.  I’d like my own room.”  
  
Finn sighs.  “Poe, we’re not leaving you alone.”  
  
“I’m not some child, Finn,” he snaps.  
  
Finn manages to keep his tone even.  “Yes, I know that, but Dr. Talan said that we need to keep you under observation for a few weeks.  Make sure that there are no side effects.”  _And she’s worried about you for other reasons too._  
  
“Fine,” Poe spits out.  “But not in here.”  Everywhere he looks there are reminders.  _Hell, my damn flight suits are still in the closet, Finn!_  
  
“I’ll talk to the others and see who has a spare bed.”  
  
Poe huffs.  
  
“Or we could move you to medbay?”  
  
Poe crosses his arms but doesn’t speak.  _Don’t kriffing threaten me._   He’s willing himself not to curl up and start rocking.  
  
Finn can see Poe’s entire body go taut.  He closes his eyes.  _He’s scared.  He’s scared and he’s trying to get better._ Finn is so kriffing tired and he feels like he's one mistake away from ruining everything we Poe.  _Just let him have this; give him some space._   He lets out a long breath.  “Fine,” he says.  “I’ll ask Snap if you can bunk with him.”

 

* * *

  
An hour later, Poe is stretched out in an extra bed they’ve dragged into Snap’s room.  He’s trying to wind down enough to go to sleep and he’s trying so hard not to be angry or scared or sad or…  He bangs his fists against the bed.  _I can’t do this._  
  
Snap snores in response and Poe has never been so grateful that the big lump could sleep through anything.  Poe closes his eyes and forces his hands to unclench.  _They love you.  They’re only looking out for you.  You can do this._ He repeats it until he finally falls asleep.

* * *

  
The first few days he’s back, there is always someone with him.  Poe tries not to let it get to him, but it’s hard.    
  
The strangest thing is, it’s almost never Finn.  Sure, Finn stops by to check on Poe, pokes his head in to say hello, but…  
  
_He’s avoiding me_ , Poe thinks.  
  
_Not that I can blame him._  
  
As much as Poe is on base to deal with what he’s dubbed the “Finn situation,” he can’t seem to force himself to seek Finn out, either.  _The longer we dance around this, the longer we don’t have to face the truth._  
  
As it is, Poe can’t bring himself to visit most of the spaces on base anyway—there’s too much noise, too many people—so he tends to stick to his quarters or the quieter sections of base.  _It’s like a self-imposed exile_ , he thinks to himself.  
  
Then, with a laugh, his brain adds, _Isn’t that what you’ve been doing all along?_  
  
Poe tries not to pull at that thread.  
  
Bee is thrilled to see Poe, and frankly, that is the one thing keeping him sane: Bee treats him like it always did.  
  
[Friend-Finn is a Commander now] the droid tells him one day as they wander in the wooded area behind the tarmac.  
  
“I know.  He told me.”  
  
[Did Friend-Iolo tell you he beat up an asshole?]  
  
“What?”  
  
[Yes.  Someone said something bad about you and Friend-Iolo beat him up.  R2-D2 said it wasn’t much of a fight, though.]  
  
“Fuck,” Poe says.  _What in the hell is wrong with you, Iolo?_  
  
[What’s wrong?]  
  
“Nothing, Bee.  Just surprised that Iolo did that.  It’s not like him.”  
  
[Friend-Rey found some footage in my sub-programming.  She is looking for clues.]  
  
“Clues?”  
  
[Friend-Rey and Friend-Karé are going to blow up the assholes who did this to you.]  
  
“Oh, really,” Poe says.  “Tell me about that, Bee.”

 

* * *

  
Two days later, Poe sits across from Rey and Karé in a conference room well away from the center of command.  He’s thankful that they are removed from most of the noise of the base, but he can’t help tensing because he knows this is not going to be an easy discussion.  
  
“Poe,” Rey says.  “The General said you asked to see us?”  
  
“I did,” Poe says.  He takes a deep breath.  _Just do it.  Just jump in and do it._ “I hear you two are investigating the beings who did this to me.”  
  
“Oh,” Rey says.  
  
“Who,” Karé asks.  
  
“Bee,” Poe says.  “Never could keep its mouth shut.”  
  
Karé and Rey share a look.  
  
“Just tell me,” Poe says.  “If you’re doing this on my behalf, I have a right to know.”  
  
“We just didn’t want to upset you,” Rey says.  
  
Poe huffs out a breath.  “Laughing upsets me these days.  I’m permanently upset.”  
  
“Fine,” Karé says.  She looks at Rey and nods.  
  
“We’ve been able to work around some of Bee’s new programming,” Rey says.  “But there’s a lot we haven’t cracked yet.”  
  
Poe can’t help but smile a bit at that.  _I am good._ Then, he remembers, _Well, Lu was amazing_.  “You should talk to Lu,” he says.  
  
And then before he can explain who that is, Rey says, “We have been.”  
  
“Oh,” Poe says, surprised.  “So that means…”  
  
“We met Dr. Archan,” Karé supplies.  “He sends his regards.”  
  
Poe shakes his head.  _Well, so much for keeping that a secret._   “Wow.”  
  
“Yeah, wow,” Karé says.  “You know, it would’ve gone a lot faster if you’d just told us what had happened to you.”  
  
Poe fights the urge to bark at her.  He balls his hands up and puts them in his lap.  He keeps his eyes on them.  “Been trying to protect you guys.  Didn’t think digging all of this up would be,” he tenses, still not used to his new pain-free existence.  When it doesn’t come, he relaxes slightly.  “Didn’t think it really mattered.”  
  
“It matters to us, Poe,” Karé says, working hard to keep her voice measured.  “What if they try to do this to someone else?”  
  
“Low blow, Kun.”  
  
“Yeah, well, in the end, it doesn’t matter.  We’ve hit a dead end.”  
  
Poe sighs.  “I’m sorry.”  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Poe finally looks up.  “Karé, I’m sorry.  If I could remember, I’d…”  He takes in a sharp breath and then forces himself to breathe it out slowly.  “If I remembered anything, I’d tell you guys.”  
  
Rey clears her throat.  “Poe, I might have a…”  Her voice trails off  
  
Poe asks, “Rey?”  
  
Rey presses her lips together and shares a worried look with Karé.  Every part of Poe is on high alert, but he hears himself say, “Just say it already, Rey.”  
  
“I think that Master Skywalker and I could use the Force to…”  
  
Poe breaks out into a cold sweat.  He’s laboring to breathe.    
  
“Poe,” Karé says; she’s clearly concerned.  “Poe?”  
  
He closes his eyes and forces himself to say, “You want to go into my head?”  
  
“Yes,” Rey whispers.  
  
_Breathe, Dameron.  Come on, breathe._  
  
“You want to go through my thoughts?”  _Seriously!  When is my mind going to be my own again?_  
  
Karé tries to sound soothing and calm as she says, “We got a hit on one of the people who dumped you on Fresia.  We think that if we could triangulate his name with a bit more information that we could zero in on the base.”  
  
Poe can just barely hear her.  All his blood has rushed to his head and all he can hear is the wooshing sound of it in his ears.  _The pain’s gonna come back.  I’m gonna start hurting.  This is how it starts.  It’s gonna come back…_  
  
Rey is standing near him, not touching, but he can sense that she’s trying to send calming thoughts his way through the Force.  “Breathe,” she whispers.  “Poe, you have to breathe.”  
  
“Should I go get Finn,” Karé asks.  
  
“No,” Poe shouts.  “Not Finn.”  He bows his head.  _Breathe, dammit.  BREATHE._   He gasps.  His fingers are digging into his legs.  _I am not having a heart attack._   He gasps again.    
  
Then, everything goes black.

 

* * *

  
Poe wakes up in medbay and quickly checks to make sure he isn’t tied to the bed.  Once he’s sure he could get up and leave if he wanted to, he leans back.  Dr. Kalonia appears a few minutes later.  “How are you feeling?”  
  
“Like I had a panic attack and then fainted,” Poe says.  _Like this is my new life now, and it sucks and I really wish Rey and Karé had just left this all alone._  
  
Dr. Kalonia nods.  “Dr. Talan thought this might happen.”  
  
“And?  Are you going to keep me here?”  Poe hates how defiant he sounds, how fragging angry he is.  
  
“Not unless you want us to or…”  
  
“Or if I become a danger to myself or others,” Poe says on automatic.  
  
“Are you a danger to yourself or others?”  
  
“No,” Poe says.  “I’m just tired and frustrated as hell, doc.”  
  
She smiles at the nickname.  “I’d like you to stay for just a little while longer.  Dr. Talan wanted us to observe you after any attacks just to make sure it wasn’t indicative of a larger problem.”  
  
“Sure,” Poe says.  
  
Poe leans back against the headboard, thinking about what Rey and Karé said, and one thing keeps repeating in his head.  _What if they try to do this to someone else?_  
  
_Fuck._  
  
_No._  
  
_I can’t do it._  
  
_But Luke’s a jedi.  It won’t be the same._  
  
_What if he screws it up?_  
  
_What if…_  
  
_You have to do it, Dameron._  
  
_Fuck._  
  
It takes Poe twenty minutes of breathing exercises before he feels calm enough to call for Dr. Kalonia.  
  
“You wanted to see me?”  
  
“Can you send Rey back here?”  
  
“Are you sure,” Dr. Kalonia asks.  She doesn’t even bother to hide the concern on her face.  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  _It’s time to end this once and for all._  
  
She nods.  
  
Thirty minutes later, Rey comes in.  She stares at him, trying her best to mask her worry.  
  
“It’s a panic attack,” Poe says.  “I have them now.”  
  
Rey nods.  “I know what a panic attack is, Poe.  It doesn’t mean it makes it any easier to watch someone go through one.”  
  
Poe stares at his feet.  _Just say it._   “If you really think you and Skywalker can find something, I’ll do it.”  
  
“You’ll do it,” Rey asks, shocked.  
  
“If that’s what you need,” Poe says.  He balls his hands into fists.  
  
“Poe,” Rey says.  “If you aren’t sure about this—”  
  
“Rey,” he bites out.  “I’m not sure about this, but…” _I can do this, dammit._   “But, if this is what you need to make sure they can’t get in someone else’s head, then I’m going to…I’m going to do it.”  He looks at Rey.  “When?”  
  
“I’ll have to ask Luke,” Rey says.    
  
“Just tell me when and where,” Poe says.  
  
Rey backs out of the room, her forehead scrunched.  She meets Karé at the entrance to the med bay.  
  
“How is he?”  
  
“He agreed to let us use the Force on him.”  
  
“What?”  
  
She looks at Karé and shrugs.  “I…”  She shakes her head.  “He seems determined.”  She takes a few steps down the hall.  “This is a bad idea.”  
  
“We’re out of options, Rey.”  
  
“He can barely keep it together talking about it, Karé.”  
  
“It’ll be better with Master Skywalker,” Karé says and even she can hear how uncertain her voice is.

 

* * *

  
Four days later, Rey takes Poe to a wooded area about a klick away from the base.  “It’s where we meditate sometimes.”  
  
Poe nods.  He’s spent the walk focused on his breathing.  _In for six…and hold for six…and out for six…and in for six…_  
  
Luke Skywalker sits in a clearing.  He smiles as they come near.  He opens his eyes and looks up at Poe.  “Thank you for coming.”  
  
Poe suddenly wants to quip, to make light of this; he wants to pretend that he isn’t terrified of what’s about to happen, but nothing is fragging coming.  _I used to be the king of snark and now I can’t even..._ “Yeah,” he says.  
  
Luke gestures to the spot in front of him.  “Will it hurt your leg to sit on the ground?”  
  
Poe shakes his head.  _No more than I’m used to._  
  
Rey says, “We can find another place for you to sit, if you—”  
  
“It’s fine, Rey.”  _No matter where we do this, I’m gonna freak out._  
  
Rey is fidgeting.  Luke motions to his left.  “Rey, I think it might be helpful if you were behind Poe, over there.”  
  
Poe doesn’t have to look to tell that she isn’t pleased, but she does as Luke suggests, and Poe is grateful.  Rey’s nerves are making his worse.  _Thank you_ , he mouths to the Jedi.  
  
Luke’s smile gets a smidge wider.  He then refocuses on the task at hand.  “Did Rey tell you what we’re going to do?”  
  
Poe shakes his head.  “I’m not sure I wanna know.”  
  
Luke nods but then says, “Even so, I’d rather you know exactly what is going to happen.  This is taking a tremendous amount faith and fortitude on your part and I don’t want you walking into this blind.”  
  
Poe smiles when Luke doesn’t wince at the word.  _Finally._   Poe feels himself relaxing.  _Skywalker gets this._   “Tell me.”  
  
“We’re going to take you through a guided meditation, help you relax, and then I hope we’re going to be able to put you into a low-level state of hypnosis and ask you some questions.”  
  
“It takes both of you?”  
  
“It will mostly be me, but as Rey knows you better, I thought it would be wise to include her.  I think it is always smart to have backup around.”  
  
Poe snorts.  
  
Luke raises an eyebrow.  
  
“I’m pretty sure that wasn’t always your strategy in the Rebellion, sir.”  
  
Luke looks down, trying hard not to laugh.  “True.”  He looks up.  “But I’m older and wiser now.”  
  
Looking into Skywalker’s eyes, Poe is struck with a profound sense of sadness that he isn’t closer to the Jedi.  _We shoulda been friends_ , Poe thinks.  Something about this man is not only soothing, but he just seems to understand where Poe’s head is at in a way no one else has.  “So, when do we start,” Poe asks.  
  
“Are you ready,” Luke asks.  
  
Poe nods.  “Yeah, I actually think I am.”

 

* * *

  
The guided meditation takes Luke and Rey about twenty minutes; Luke is surprised at how easy the hypnosis is, but he found that Dameron seemed to relax almost immediately in his presence.  “He reminds me of his mother,” Luke whispers to Rey.  
  
Rey smiles.  _They like each other._   She hopes that bodes well for what is about to come.  
  
“Poe,” Luke says in an even tone.  “I’m going to take you back now to your first memories after the battle at Selvaris.  You will be able to hear these memories but they will not be happening to you—it will be like you are watching a holo or listening to music.  Nothing bad can happen to you while you hear these memories.  I’m going to repeat that, Poe.  _Nothing bad can happen to you while you hear these memories._ In fact, you are going to be listening to another Poe Dameron.  It isn’t you.  The things you will hear are happening to him and can’t hurt you.  However, if at any time, you need us to leave the memories, simply tell me you’ve had enough and we will leave.  Do you understand, Poe?”  
  
Poe’s voice is sluggish as he says, “Yes.”  
  
“And if at any time, I say the word _asteroid_ , you will immediately cease being able to hear these memories.  You will be in a calm and happy place.  Do you understand, Poe?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Okay, Poe, you are waking up after the explosion during the battle of Selvaris.  What sorts of things do you hear?”  
  
“Panting,” Poe says.  “He’s panting, having trouble breathing.  They’re speaking but I don’t understand.”  
  
“Is it always unintelligible?”  
  
“No,” Poe says slowly.  “I can understand _him_.”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“Hanex,” Poe says.  “Admiral Hanex.”  Poe whimpers.  
  
“Poe, Admiral Hanex can’t hurt you.”  
  
“He laughs,” Poe says.  “He laughs at everything.  When Poe chokes, he laughs.  When Poe cries, he laughs.  He loves to hear Poe scream.”  
  
“Does Admiral Hanex tell Poe anything about where he is?”  
  
“He’s the head of the reconditioning program.  He’s experimenting.  Poe is his experiment.”  Poe’s eyes are leaking tears.  “Poe is screaming so much.  I don’t like it.”  
  
Rey opens her eyes and makes to rise.  Luke holds up a hand at her.  He says to Poe, “You can’t hear Poe screaming anymore.  You can hear everything but that.”  
  
Poe seems to calm slightly.  
  
“What does Hanex tell Poe about the experiment?”  
  
Poe says, “Hidden away where no one will ever look for you.  Tiny moon.”  He takes in a sharp breath.  “Poe is begging now.  He’s begging them to kill him.  His voice is so…”  Poe lets out a sob.  “Why won’t they let him die?”  
  
Rey covers her mouth with her hand.  
  
Luke opens his mouth to speak when Poe starts sucking in quick breaths.  “He’s…he’s yelling for Finn?  No, he’s yelling _about_ Finn.  _I will protect him, you bucketheads.  I will not hurt Finn you sick sons of bitches_ and…my god,” Poe gasps, “what are they doing to him?  He’s… I… I… can’t… JUST LET HIM DIE,” Poe screams.  “STOP IT!  STOP DOING THAT TO HIM!”  
  
Luke says, “Asteroid.”  
  
Poe immediately calms.    
  
Rey lets out a breath, or a sob—Luke isn’t sure.  
  
“Poe,” Luke says, “I’m going to count to five and when I reach five, you will wake up.  You will feel refreshed and you will not remember anything you’ve heard or said.  Do you understand?”  
  
“Yes,” Poe says.  
  
“One…two…three…four…five.”  
  
Poe takes a large breath and opens his eyes.  He searches Luke’s face and then turns to look at Rey.  She looks horrified.  “I’m guessing I don’t want to know what you found out.”  
  
“No,” Luke says.  
  
“Will it help?”  
  
“I think so,” Luke says.  
  
“Good,” Poe says.  He pushes himself up.  “I’m going to go back to base, okay?”  
  
“Do you want me to come with you,” Rey asks.  
  
Poe shakes his head, staring at Luke, who is trying hard to mask how disturbed he is.  “No,” Poe says.  “I’ll be okay.”  He takes a few steps towards the woods and turns.  “Can I ask one thing?”  
  
Luke nods.  
  
Poe looks at his feet, not sure how to phrase this.  “Did I break?”  
  
“What,” Luke asks.  
  
“When Kylo Ren had me on the Finalizer, I gave up Bee.  He went into my head and I betrayed the Resistance.  I just wanted to know if I did that again.”  
  
Luke has spent decades mastering the art of controlling his emotions, but in this moment—watching this young man more worried that he let down Leia and the Resistance than he is about the torture the Order inflicted on him—Luke wants to scream.  “No, Poe,” Luke says.  “You didn’t break.  You…”  Luke searches for the right words.  “You were willing to die to protect the people you love.”  
  
Poe nods.  “Thanks,” he says, walking into the woods.  
  
Rey waits until Poe is well away before asking, “Should I follow him?”  
  
Luke shakes his head.  “He’s in a far better mental state than either of us right now, Rey.”

 

* * *

  
Poe is strangely calm as he makes his way onto the base.  He’s been focused on watching his steps, trying to keep his mind clear, and he’s done a remarkable job of it, he realizes as he steps onto the edge of the tarmac.  
  
“Huh,” he says to himself, trying to plot the least populated course back to his room.  _I did it._  
  
He smiles.  _I did it._  
  
He closes his eyes and lets himself have this tiny victory.  
  
_And now I’m gonna go take a nap._  
  
He opens his eyes and has a brief flare of panic as he realizes just how many beings he’s going to have to pass by to do that.  
  
_It’s through the hangar, which shouldn’t be so bad.  There will be beings there, but_ , as he reminds himself, _They’re my beings._  
  
_I can do this._   He takes a deep breath and starts forward, keeping his eyes trained on the hangar.  _Just get to the hangar and then you’ll go to the hall._  
  
For a moment, it doesn’t register that there is a squad of Pathfinders jogging in his general direction.  When he realizes their trajectory, he speeds up just a bit so that they won’t cross paths.  
  
Just as he’s about to enter the hangar, though, he hears, “Enjoy your vacation, Dameron?”  
  
He turns to see a group of them laughing at him.  
  
“Have a nice break while the rest of us got our asses shot at?”  
  
Poe freezes in shock, his mouth fallen open.  _Is that what they really think I was doing?_  
  
He doesn’t even register Jess running out of the hangar, seething, “Don’t you overgrown nerfs have anything better to do than harass a decorated Colonel?  Fucking ingrates,” she yells after them as they jog away.  She stares at Poe.  “Poe?”  She reaches for his arm and he jerks it out of her grasp.  “Poe?”  
  
Poe closes his eyes and shakes his head.  “Yeah, Testor.  Sorry about that.”  He opens his eyes and turns to her.  “Just…”  He sighs.  “Didn’t realize that’s what beings thought of me these days.”  
  
“Poe, that’s…”  Jess sighs.  “Why don’t we—”  
  
“No, I’m fine, Testor.  I’m just gonna go to my room for a nap.”  
  
Jess reaches for Poe.  “I can go with—”  
  
“No, really.  I’m fine, Jess.”  Poe starts walking through the hangar in a daze.  
  
Jess stares after him.  “Well, shit.”

 

* * *

  
Karé, Snap, Rey, Luke, Leia, and Finn sit at a conference table in command.  It’s late.  They don’t want to attract attention.  
  
“There are a few things he was able to tell us,” Luke says.  “Admiral Hanex and a moon.”  
  
“Our only useful intel on Hanex is that he tends to frequent the bars on Coruscant, Pantolomin, and Borleias,” Karé says.  
  
“Then, let’s assume that that’s the part of the core he’s typically closest to,” Leia says.  
  
“Poe was lost near Selvaris,” Snap says.  
  
Leia pulls up a map that shows the quadrant of the galaxy containing Coruscant, Pantolomin, Borleias, and Selvaris.  She then zooms out a bit to include the Unknown Regions and Wild Space.  
  
Karé says, “The officer we got a hit for works in the reconditioning program.  Our spies tell us that he works on training officers in the latest forms of reconditioning and torture.  He isn’t assigned to any particular fleet but rather comes in and trains as needed.  They believe he is based in a research facility somewhere near Rakata Prime.”  
  
Leia zooms in a bit and they all study the map.  
  
Finn says, “Mobus makes the most sense.”  
  
Leia nods.  “M-3 or M-11 are the most likely moons.”  
  
Snap says, “I can do a fly by and see if anything catches my eye.”  
  
Leia nods.  “Go tomorrow.  I’ll have Statura clear your schedule.”  
  
Finn can’t help himself.  “Do we want to know what else he told you?”  
  
“No,” Rey says forcefully.  
  
Finn looks at Luke, who repeats, “No.”

 

* * *

  
Poe wakes up yelling.  
  
“You okay,” Snap says, scrambling out of bed.  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says, sitting up.  “Nightmare.”  
  
“You need to go see Dr. Kalonia?”  
  
Poe shakes his head.  “No, man.  I’m good.  I’m good,” he says, falling back onto his bed.  He spends the next few minutes pretending to fall asleep and waits until he hears Snap’s breathing even out before he sits back up, hugging his knees to his chest and rocking.    
  
He’d dreamed of a man with an evil laugh.  There had been screaming and crying and someone was being tortured.  In the dream, he feared it was Finn and that he wasn’t going to be able to rescue him before something terrible happened.  But then, he’d slowly realized it was him being tortured.  And he was surrounded by mocking, laughing Resistance soldiers.  They just kept laughing and laughing and laughing.  
  
Poe takes a deep breath and closes his eyes.  _What in the hell did we dredge up?_

 

* * *

  
“This is M-11 and my best guess is that their base is here,” Snap says, pointing to a map showing the west side of the moon.  “There are some structures here,” Snap says as the map zooms in on what appear—at first—to be rock formations.  “I think the majority of the base is underground.”  
  
“Any ideas about size,” Leia asks.  
  
Snap shakes his head.  
  
Finn says, “A research facility like this wouldn’t be huge.  This is niche work and while the Order allows it, they’re more interested in things with broader applications.”  
  
Leia nods.  “You think you can make a rough estimate of how many people we’d need to take out a place like this?”  
  
“I can have it ready by tomorrow,” Finn says.  
  
Leia sighs.  A part of her knows that it isn’t good strategy to go hitting First Order research facilities when there are other pressing concerns.  But another part of her wants revenge, plain and simple.  They’ve lashed out at her and now she’s going to lash out at them.  “Let’s meet here tomorrow night and start planning this op.”

 

* * *

  
Poe sits on a crate at the edge of the hangar watching new recruits training out on the tarmac.  Since his little run-in with the Pathfinders a few days ago, he’s noticed that everyone but the pilots give him a wide berth.  _Jess and Finn got to them_ , he thinks, and he can’t decide if he’s pleased or pissed about that.  
  
Right now, though, he kicks the crate and tries not to let jealousy overwhelm him.  Looking at all of these pilots-in-training, it’s hard not to just scream.  
  
Jess and Snap are explaining standard procedures for emergency landings with an old X-wing they decommissioned a few years ago.  “At least she’s still good for something,” he mutters.  
  
“What was that,” comes a voice from behind him.  
  
Poe startles and turns.  
  
Frina walks up.  “Sorry.  Thought you heard me.”  
  
Poe smiles.  “Frina.”  
  
“You recognize me.”  
  
“I’d know that voice anywhere,” he says, getting up off the crate and offering her a hug.  
  
“You sure?”  
  
“As long as I can see it coming, I’m usually okay.”  
  
She nods and leans in for a quick hug.  She motions to the crate and sits down next to Poe.  “How are you doing?”  
  
Poe shrugs.  
  
Frina follows his line of sight and watches the pilots.  “You miss it?”  
  
“With every fiber of my being.”  
  
“But you had already given it up,” Frina says, her forehead bunching a bit.  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  “But that’s when I thought I was gonna die.  Now…”  He kicks the crate extra hard.  “Now I’ve got a whole lifetime to fill and I don’t know what I’m gonna do with it.”  
  
“So, your whole identity is being a pilot?”  
  
Poe chuckles.  “You sound like my therapist.”  
  
“And?”  
  
Poe looks at his feet.  “No, my whole identity isn’t being a pilot…or, you know what, yes, it is.  Or at least, for years, that’s who I was: _Poe Dameron, best damn pilot in the galaxy_.  And that wasn’t all I was, but…it was all tied up in it, if you know what I mean.”  
  
Frina chuckles.  Poe looks at her.  “Sorry, Poe, I know this is serious, but that’s more than you’ve said to me in months.”  
  
Poe can’t help but chuckle himself.  “Seems I’m oversharing a lot these days.”  
  
“No,” Frina says.  “It’s nice.  I missed…I missed you.”  
  
Poe looks back over at the pilots and his longing is so palpable, Frina can feel it.  “Have you thought about teaching?”  
  
Poe nods.  “Thought about a lot of things, but…”  Someone yells across the tarmac to a friend and he flinches.  “But, I don’t think this is the best space for me.  The ranch,” he shakes his head.  “The ranch was different.”  
  
“Quieter,” Frina adds.  
  
“Yeah.”  He clasps his hands together, twiddling his thumbs.  “How bad was it,” he asks.  
  
“What?”  
  
“The ranch,” he asks.  
  
“Oh,” she says.  She looks down at their feet.  “Bad,” she says.  “Not going to sugar-coat it for you.  They knocked down every structure, and they killed,” her voice hitches, “they killed a lot of good beings.”  
  
“Kriff,” Poe whispers.  
  
“It wasn’t your fault,” Frina says.  
  
“Yeah, right,” Poe says.  
  
“Poe—”  
  
“Frina, you can tell me that until my dying day.  It ain’t gonna change the fact that I blame myself for what happened.”  
  
“The Order hit the ranch, Poe.”  
  
“Yeah, and I’m the one that brought them there.”  
  
Frina frowns.  “Poe, I willingly let you come to the ranch, knowing full well who you were, and I’m the one who told Finn to come get you.  I put the ranch at risk as much as you did.”  
  
Poe nods and keeps staring at his thumbs.  
  
For a while, they sit in silence.  Then Frina says, “Been doing some work with procurement and helping plan supply runs these past few months.  I’m thinking of joining up.  Permanently.”  
  
Poe stops twirling his thumbs.  “You should.  They could use someone like you around here.”  
  
There’s a clang in the hangar and Poe tenses.  He lets out a breath and forces himself to relax.  
  
“I’m gonna take your hand now,” Frina says, telegraphing her movements.  Poe holds out his hand.  She starts rubbing circles on the back of it.  
  
“It’s not like I want to go.  I just…the noises and all the people and…  Everyone thinks I’m this reckless adventurer and maybe I was, I don’t know, but…  I was always doing it for the greater good, you know?  Beings were in trouble and I could help, and it didn’t much matter if I survived or not as long as we won the battle or got the intel or stopped the bad guys, but now…”  
  
“It doesn’t leave much time for you to take care of yourself, does it,” Frina asks.  
  
“No.”  
  
Frina squeezes his hand.  “There’s nothing cowardly in taking care of yourself.”  
  
“I know.  I just…”  He motions to the X-wings in front of them.  
  
Frina sighs.  “You’re a good man, Poe.  But you’re right.  You need to take care of yourself.  You need to go out into this galaxy and figure out what’s next.  Who is Poe if he isn’t the best pilot in the galaxy?”  
  
Poe squeezes her hand and keeps holding it.  The two of them sit and watch the new recruits until their training is finished.

 

* * *

  
It’s a few hours later, and Poe is still ruminating on Frina’s question: _who is Poe if he isn’t the best pilot in the galaxy?_  
  
_I’m going to have to leave to find that out_ , he tells himself.    
  
And the talk with Frina has helped a bit— _I can’t get better here.  Frina sees it.  Dr. Talan saw it_.  Poe sighs.  _I need to end this before it gets out of hand._  
  
Poe knows this, but there is the other thing—the thing that has him walking the halls at ten o’clock at night.  He can’t shake the feeling that Rey, Karé, and the others are planning something.  For one thing, Snap went off on a super-secret mission the day after Poe met with Skywalker.  And now, he can’t find Finn, Leia, Luke, Rey, or Snap.  And he suspects that Karé, Iolo, and Jess might be hard to track down too.  
  
It pisses him off.  _If they want to do this, they’re damn well doing it with me_ , he thinks as he stalks the halls towards command.  _I may not be in the Resistance anymore, but dammit, this is my fight._  
  
It should be terrifying him—the thought of returning to the place where they tortured him.  But Poe is so tired of everyone making decisions for him and about him and _they are going to include me in this kriffing thing._  
  
He only pauses briefly outside a conference room where he can see all of them huddled around a map before he barges in.  “I’m a part of this,” he says.  
  
“No, you’re not,” Iolo says.  
  
Poe fights every instinct in his body not to go over and deck his friend.  “The fragging hell, Iolo.  They tortured _me_ , not any of you.”  He turns to Luke and Rey.  “And you went into my head to get intel on this place, so you can sure as hell make me a part of this mission.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Iolo says, “or did I miss the part where you re-joined the Resistance?”  
  
“Maybe you’d like to step outside and explain what that entails to me?  Hear you’re real good with the new recruits, Iolo.”  
  
Iolo flinches.  
  
“Poe,” Finn starts.  
  
“Finn, this is _my_ kriffing fight.  And if any one of you even hints that you think I’m not able to do this…”  Poe shakes his head.  “Hell, General,” he says, turning to Leia, “this is a stupid move and you know it.  So, if you’re going to go ahead with a stupid strategy, you might as well let the blind guy in.”  
  
“You’re not blind,” Jess says.  
  
“Fine, visually impaired,” Poe huffs, crossing his arms in front of himself.  
  
“He’s right,” Luke says.  “This is his fight, not ours.”  
  
“No,” Leia says.  “This is _my_ fight.  They stole my pilot, my colonel, and they did it to hurt me.”  
  
“With all due respect, ma’am, while I might have been willing to die for the Resistance and I would’ve followed any order you gave me, I was never your moof-milking property!  And while I sometimes have a hard time believing it, you and I both know that I was more than just a pilot to this organization.”  Leia winces and mentally berates herself.  _Of course you were…still are_ , she wants to say, but Poe’s not finished talking, “They did this to me, and I have a right to be there when we blow that place up.”  
  
“Poe,” Karé starts.  
  
“No,” he says, “you don’t get to protect me by leaving me out of this!  You guys wanted the old Poe back?  Well, you’ve got him, at least temporarily.  I’m going on this mission.  Sorry, none of you get to veto that.”  He steps up to the map and says, “So, what’s the plan?”  
  
No one speaks and then Snap shakes his head.  “Whatever.”  He points to the map.  “The base, as far as we can tell, is located here.  Most likely underground.  Finn will lead the primary assault, taking out what we assume are their most likely entrances here, here, and here.  I’ve got a small group of Pathfinders with me to set explosives.  Jess and Iolo will lead a team for air support, just in case they have anyone waiting nearby, and Karé is leading a team to try and download as much intel as possible before we blow the place up.”  
  
Poe nodded.  “That leaves Rey with?”  
  
“I’ll be with Finn’s team.”  
  
“I’ll go in with Snap’s then.”  
  
“Poe, there’s no way in hell I’m letting you handle explosives,” Karé says.  
  
“Good,” Poe says, “because I have something else in mind.”  
  
“Care to share it with the rest of us,” Iolo quips.  
  
“My guess is that I wasn’t the only _experiment_ in that place, so while the rest of you are setting explosives and finding intel, I’m going to make sure there aren’t any other beings that need rescuing.”  
  
“Kriff,” Karé says.  
  
“Yeah, I thought you might have forgotten about that in your race to vengeance,” Poe says, leveling his stare at Karé.  
  
Luke puts a hand on Poe’s shoulder, and Poe instantly calms.  “I’ll go with Poe.  I might be able to sense beings out.”  
  
“Thanks,” Poe says.  
  
“Fine,” the General says.  “You leave in three days.  Dismissed.”  
  
Poe leaves before everyone else, but he doesn’t go back towards Snap’s room.  Instead, he heads outside.

 

* * *

  
Luke waits for the others to leave and then turns to Leia.  “He’s right.”  
  
“Luke,” she says, years of annoyance waving through that one syllable.  
  
“You can be as mad as you want to be, Leia, but you know he’s right.  You and Karé and the others have taken this on and somewhere along the way, everyone seemed to forget that in the end, this happened to Poe.  Not to Colonel Dameron or Finn’s boyfriend or whoever else he is to the Resistance.  It happened to him, and he’s stuck with it.  And quite honestly, blowing up this base isn’t going to fix him or bring him back or whatever else anyone thinks it’s going to do.”  Luke sighs.  “I truly hope it helps him, but in the end, that’s got to come _from him_.”  
  
Leia’s hands rest on the console in front of her.  “He was the best pilot in the galaxy and probably the most loyal soldier I’ve ever seen.  One of the best beings you’d ever meet.”  She stares at the console, not really seeing it.  “And they took that and they hurt it and…”  
  
“That’s why we fight, yes?”  
  
Leia sighs.  “Luke, it’s not just…”  
  
“They took your home and your parents and your son and your husband, and then they took this beautiful boy too.  I get it.”  
  
She looks up at him.  _If anyone would, it’s Luke._   “We are doing this for our own selfish reasons,” she says.  “It’s why I told them he was dead.  This…this is…”  
  
“This is having to face how war twists things and takes something beautiful and stomps on it.”  Luke walks over to his sister.  “And this isn’t just about Poe, is it?”  
  
She shakes her head, refusing to say Ben’s name.  _But there’s also…_ “Finn,” she says.  
  
“What they did to him way back when, or what they did to him by taking Poe?”  
  
Leia sighs.  “Both?”  
  
“Finn will be okay,” Luke says.  “So will Poe.  He isn’t dead, Leia, and he is getting better.  He may not be the best pilot in the galaxy anymore, but I can’t help but hope that he may find an ever better calling.”  
  
Leia snorts.  “I didn’t think you thought there was a better calling than being a pilot.”  
  
“Well,” Luke says, with a smile, “it is one of the noblest.”  He hugs her, kissing her cheek.  He then walks to the door.  As he gets there, he turns, “It’s time to let Poe Dameron go.”  
  
Leia nods, hating that her brother is right.

 

* * *

  
“Hey,” Finn says, “is it okay if I’m up here?  I know it got a little intense earlier.”  
  
“Sure,” Poe says.  He takes a breath and lets it out.  “And I’m sorry about that.”  
  
Finn sits on the ground next to Poe and immediately catches himself staring.  Poe’s glasses are off.  
  
“I’d forgotten about this,” Poe says, staring up at the sky.  
  
“You can see them?”  
  
“A bit,” Poe says.  “Enough.”  
  
“I like to come up here when I have time,” Finn says.  
  
“Really?”  
  
“You aren’t the only being who likes to look at the stars, Dameron.”  
  
Poe nods.  He leans back, stretching out and finally just plopping onto the ground with a sigh.  
  
Finn sits with his arms wrapped around his knees.  He knows his neck is going to start hurting, but for right now, he likes being rolled up in a ball.  
  
“I know that I’m being a jerk,” Poe says after a long time.  
  
“Hmmmmmm?”  Finn wasn’t listening.  
  
“I said, I know that I’m being a jerk.”  
  
“Oh,” Finn says.  He isn’t sure how he’s supposed to respond.  He finally decides on the truth.  “Yeah.”    
  
“And I know we’ve been avoiding each other.  It’s just…it’s a lot, you know?”  
  
“Yeah, I get that,” Finn says, and he wants to apologize too but more than that, he realizes he needs to just let Poe speak.  He clamps his mouth shut and tries to listen.  
  
“I wish things were different.  I wish _I_ was different,” Poe says.  “Sometimes I’m standing there listening to myself and I think _shut up!_ but I don’t quit talking.”  
  
“Yeah,” Finn answers.  
  
“I just…I don’t want you to hate me, you know?  None of you.”  _But especially not you_.  
  
“We don’t hate you, Poe,” Finn says, leaning back and landing on the ground with a small thud.  He puts his arms behind his head.  “We’re just frustrated.  You aren’t making this easy.”  He can feel Poe’s anger rising.  “AND we know that you’re frustrated too, but you’ve got to cut us some slack, man.”  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  “But you guys have to stop seeing me as this fragile thing.  Talking around me, making decisions on my behalf, that’s not how this should work.”  
  
“True,” Finn says.  “We’re trying so damn hard not to hurt you that we’re hurting you.”  
  
Poe laughs.  “Exactly.”  
  
“We’ve all just got to figure out how things work now is all,” Finn says.  “I think it’ll help once we complete the mission.”  _I hope_ , Finn thinks.  
  
_I’m leaving after this mission_ , Poe thinks, but he can’t bring himself to say it to Finn.  Instead, he sighs.  “Thank goodness I can still make them out,” he says refocusing on the stars.  “I missed this.”  
  
“Me too,” Finn says.  He isn’t talking about the stargazing though.  
  
Poe turns his head slightly.  In the darkness, he really can’t make out much, but he can see just enough to trigger memories.  Countless nights dragging Finn out to look at the stars.  Lying side by side, sometimes making out or even more.  Sometimes doing nothing more than enjoying being near each other.  Poe wishes he could reach out and touch one of those times, bottle it up and preserve it forever, but even now, all those memories are getting wispy around the edges.  “I missed it so much,” he whispers.

 

* * *

  
They end up spending a few hours up on the rise behind base.  They don’t talk much, but it’s as if they’ve come to some sort of understanding.  
  
And when they do eventually get up and make their way back to their rooms, Finn feels more optimistic about things with Poe than he has in a long time.  
  
As he’s walking down the final corridor to his room, he makes a decision.  _I’m gonna open it._  
  
_Tonight._  
  
_It just seems like it’s time._

 

* * *

  
Poe falls into his bed, not even bothering to take off his boots.  He turns his head to Snap’s sleeping form, and for a moment, everything seems so normal.  _Roommate snoring and me sneaking in and going to bed after a date with Finn._  
  
And Poe allows himself a moment to bask in the nostalgic glow of things as they used to be.  
  
But soon enough, he drags himself to the present.  Poe’s heart hurts as he fights to remind himself, _it’s an illusion.  This isn’t how it would be._  
  
_I have to leave.  We both have to move on._  
  
_I can’t do this anymore._  
  
Poe stares at the ceiling, feeling numb.  

 

* * *

  
When he gets to his room, Finn drags Poe’s crate out from its space behind his bed.  
  
Finn stares at it.  Since Selvaris, it’s haunted him.  It was the one thing of Poe’s he didn’t touch—the one relic that he used to prove to himself that _Poe is still alive_ because he promised himself that the only time he’d ever open it was if Poe was proven dead.  
  
_Maybe I should try to offer it to him again?_  
  
_No.  You need to do this._  
  
_Just open it already_.  
  
His hands are shaking as he presses his thumb to the lock.  It pops open and his breath catches.  _Can I do this?_  
  
He closes his eyes and reaches for the lid, pushing it back.  _I have to do this._  
  
Finn looks down and immediately smiles.  There are all sorts of mementos—things Poe’s clearly had since he was a child mixed in with more recent additions.  There’s a dried flower from one of their first dates and a piece of cloth from a time Finn cut his hand and Poe bandaged it.  Finn carefully removes item after item, mentally cataloging which ones Kes might want, when one thing makes him pause.  
  
It’s a small brown box—in and of itself nothing spectacular—but it is positively humming with energy.  Finn’s been aware of the Force for long enough that he knows some things become imbibed with energy.  That’s why he never discounts a pilot’s lucky necklace or a Pathfinder’s lucky blaster.  Finn knows there’s some truth in all of that.  
  
His hand hovers over the box.  _Maybe it’s private?_ He chews his lip.  _Maybe it was Shara’s?_   He leans back on his heels.  _Dammit, Poe, why did you leave me with this kriffing crate!_  
  
He puts his hand on it and reaches out with the Force.  After a moment, he realizes it isn’t Shara’s or Kes’.  This is something else, something more recent, but vitally important to Poe Dameron.  
  
_Or at least to the Poe Dameron that was_ , Finn thinks ruefully.  
  
He pulls it out of the crate and opens it.  
  
Finn’s mouth falls open and tears fill his eyes.  He doesn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t this.  
  
There, at the bottom of the box, are two silver rings.  
  
“Wedding rings,” he whispers.  
  
The box falls into his lap.  He hears the rings bounce against the side.    
  
He takes in a sharp breath and stands, furiously wiping the tears from his eyes and backing away from the crate.  
  
He stares at the box on the floor, shaking his head.  The pain in his chest is real.  His whole body starts shaking and soon his knees give.  
  
Finn slides, gracelessly, to the floor, bending forward until his forehead is on the ground.  He is taking in breaths in huge slurps, fat tears blinding him.  He balls up his hands into fists and pounds on the ground.  He wants to scream, but it catches in his throat, which is suddenly burning.  
  
Everything is pain.

 

* * *

  
Hours later, Finn lies on his back on the floor of his room.  He can breathe now and the tears have slowed to a trickle.    
  
He’s been trying to remember those last few weeks before Selvaris.  He’s trying to remember if there were any clues, any indication that Poe was going to…  
  
Finn squeezes his eyes shut.  _I’m already mourning for my boyfriend, I don’t think I can mourn for the husband I’ll never have too._  
  
He swallows hard, and forces himself to sit up.  He crawls to the nearest wall and sits against it, his eyes focused on that damn box.  
  
Finn has accepted that the Order took his parents from him, his childhood, his innocence.  Since he’s joined the Resistance, he’s had friends and colleagues die.  But for some reason, it’s this—this tiny box and its two rings—that is pushing him over the edge.  His head falls into his hands.    
  
_I can’t do this anymore._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmm, yeah...so I may have broken Finn a little. 
> 
>  
> 
> The next two chapters will be shorter, as we get into some action-y bits. But don't worry, still plenty of feels to be felt.


	8. Like Old Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the night before the mission and everyone's a little tense...

  
  
“Finn?”  Rey knocks on his door, frowning.  “Finn?”  
  
  
Finn hadn’t shown up for dinner last night or breakfast this morning, and he isn’t answering her comms.  Rey presses her forehead against the cool metal of the door.  “Finn,” she whispers.  “Please.”  
  
  
She reaches out with the Force, can feel him—it’s the same horrible, hollow feeling she’s sensed for the past few hours.  She presses her hand to the door.  “Finn, I know you’re in there.”  
  
  
She waits a moment.  “I’m coming in.”  She presses in the override code she figured out her second week on base.  
  
  
The door slides open, and Rey lets out a whimper at the sight greeting her.  “Finn,” she breathes out, rushing to him.  She scans the room, sees the crate, opened, and the small brown box lying on its side on the floor.  _Oh kriff._   She kneels next to Finn, his eyes red and puffy.  “Finn, I need you to sit up.”  She reaches for his shoulders to help him up.  She rubs his back for a moment, then asks, “Do you think you can stand?”  
  
  
Finn nods.  
  
  
As soon as he’s standing and she’s sure he isn’t going to fall over, she asks, “Do you think you’d be able to…”  She nods her head towards the fresher.  
  
  
Finn nods again, wiping his eyes and sniffling.  
  
  
“Okay, I’ll be here when you get back.”  
  
  
Finn shuffles towards the fresher and as soon as he is in, Rey presses her comm, “Kaydel, can you have a droid bring some caf and porridge to Finn’s quarters right now.”  
  
  
“Will do, Rey.”  
  
  
Rey studies the crate.  “Kriff.”  She shakes her head.  “What were you thinking?”  She scoops up the small brown box, hearing the tinkle of metal, and she looks in.  “Kriff,” she whispers.  _This is all we fucking needed, isn’t it?_ She puts the box into the crate, closes it, and moves it back to its normal resting place.  
  
  
Rey sits on the bed with a sigh.  _Why did you open it, Finn?_    
  
  
A few minutes later, Finn comes back into the room.  He silently crosses to his closet and begins to change clothes.  Rey turns her head.  
  
  
“Okay,” Finn says.  
  
  
Rey turns to see him standing in front of his closet, lost.  
  
  
“Do you want to talk about it,” she asks, patting the bed next to her.  
  
  
Finn shakes his head and slowly makes his way to the bed, sitting down.  
  
  
The door pings.  
  
  
Rey moves and quickly returns with a tray.  “Eat,” she says, putting it in his lap.  
  
  
Finn nods and complies.  
  
  
The room is silent, save for the sounds of Finn’s spoon on his bowl and him chewing.  
  
  
When he’s finished, Rey takes the tray and puts it on his desk.  She turns and leans against it, staring at him.  Her forehead crinkles in worry.  
  
  
“You saw the box,” Finn says, his voice scratchy.  
  
  
“I saw it.”  
  
  
Finn stares at his feet.  “He was gonna propose.”  
  
  
“Mmmmmmm,” Rey hums.  She is filled with the urge to find Poe Dameron, drag him here and make him deal with this, but she’s trying to keep her emotions in check so that Finn doesn’t pick up on them.  
  
  
“He was going to kriffing propose.”  Finn snorts and stands. “What am I supposed to do with that, huh?”  He moves quickly the nearest wall, punching it with a scream.  
  
  
“Finn,” Rey yelps, jumping.  She rushes to him and then pauses about a foot away.  
  
  
Finn turns and sinks back onto the wall, tears in his eyes.  “What in the kriff am I supposed to do with that, Rey?”  
  
  
Rey walks to him, reaching out and taking his hand in hers.  She winces as she examines his knuckles, which are bloody and scraped.  “Is it,” she asked, slowly brushing her hands over the wound.  
  
  
“No.  Not broken,” Finn says.  _What in the fuck did I just do that for?_   He looks at her, worried.  
  
  
She leads him to the fresher with a frown, cleaning and dressing his hand.  She then leads him back to his bed and they sit.  “Finn, what is going on with you?”    
  
  
Finn shakes his head.  “I don’t know,” he says, flexing his fingers and staring at his hand.    
  
  
“Have you talked to anyone about it?”  
  
  
Finn shakes his head.  
  
  
“Have you talked to _him_ about it?”  
  
  
Finn shakes his head.  
  
  
“Do you want to?”  
  
  
He shakes his head again, wiping his eyes.  “Probably should though.”  
  
  
“Why?”  
  
  
“Rey,” Finn says.  
  
  
“I’m serious, Finn.  Why?”  
  
  
Finn sighs.  “What are you suggesting, Rey?  That I just keep this bottled up inside?”  He looks at his knuckles.  “That sure as hell hasn’t been working so far.”  
  
  
Rey frowns.  “Okay, fine, you need to talk to him, but…”  _He’s even less stable than you are._   The crinkle of worry reappears.  
  
  
Finn snorts, as if reading her mind.  “I know,” he says.  He shakes his head and slowly falls back onto the bed.  He scrubs his hands over his face.  “I don’t think I can handle talking to him right now.”    
  
  
Rey puts a hand on his arm.  _When did it all become so complicated?_  
  
  
“At the very least, will you go talk to Dr. Kalonia, Finn?  I’m worried about you.”  
  
  
Finn nods.  “Yeah.”  He takes a deep breath and sits up.  After a moment, he offers Rey a mirthless chuckle.  “I thought bringing him back would be a good thing, you know?  I thought it would be like it used…”  Finn sucks in a quick breath, refusing to cry.  “It was supposed to be like it used to be.”  
  
  
Rey pulls him into a hug.  “I know.”  
  
  
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he whispers.  
  
  
“I know.”

 

* * *

  
  
Several hours later, Finn walks with a purpose.  It’s like someone has flipped a switch.  _He and I need to talk.  We need to sit down and talk about this.  All of it.  We can’t…_  
  
  
He takes a deep breath.  _No more holding patterns.  No more skirting the issue._   He nods.  “I’m gonna do this,” he mutters under his breath.  
  
  
_I can do this._  
  
  
_I’ve got to do this._

 

* * *

  
  
_It’s a mission, just a mission.  I used to do them all the time.  And Luke will be there._ Poe hands drum against his knees.  He has spent the better part of the morning focusing on his breathing.   He’s determined to see this through, but he can’t quite fight the way his hands shake at the thought of going back to…  
  
  
_Luke will be there.  So will Finn.  It won’t be like before._  
  
  
He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes.  _I can do this._  
  
  
There’s a knock on the door.  
  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
  
It slides open and Karé comes in.  “Hey, how are you?”  
  
  
Poe shrugs.  
  
  
Karé nods to the bed.  “Can I?”  
  
  
Poe nods and scoots over.  
  
  
“So, I was thinking.  The mission is tomorrow and…”  She turns to study Poe.  “I was hoping you might be up to having dinner tonight with some of us.”  
  
  
Poe has been avoiding the mess as much as possible since he’s returned, sneaking in during off hours and taking his food back to Snap’s room.  “Uh,” Poe starts.  His heart is beating faster.  
  
  
“I got a conference room, so it wouldn’t be in the mess, and it would just be a small group of us.  You, Finn, Rey, Jess, Iolo, me and Snap.”    
  
  
“Iolo?”  
  
  
“You know he loves you, right?  He’s just…”  She shakes her head.  
  
  
“No, I get it,” Poe says.  He looks at her, gives her his strange half-smirk, half-frown.  “Lots of hurt feelings all around, I suspect.”  
  
  
She doesn’t meet his eyes.  “Yeah.”    
  
  
“Karé?”  
  
  
She looks at him.  
  
  
“You can be pissed with me.  I get it.”  He sighs.  “I mean, don’t get me wrong, it hurts like hell, but…”  He shrugs.  “I understand?”  
  
  
_Yeah, but that’s your mood today_ , Karé thinks.  She lets out a long breath.  “They don’t warn you about all this psychological shit in training, you know?”  
  
  
Poe smiles and shakes his head.  “Can you imagine?  No one would ever join up if they did.”  
  
  
Karé bumps her shoulder into Poe’s, and blessedly, he doesn’t mind.  “You’d still join up,” she says.  
  
  
“Yeah, I would,” he says.  “That’s the sick little secret.  I’d probably do it all over again if I needed to.”  
  
  
Karé wants to hug hum, but she feels like that might be pushing it.  “So, dinner.  Think you can do it?”  
  
  
Poe looks at her.  She looks so hopeful.  “Uh, I guess?”  His hands start drumming against his legs again.  
  
  
There’s a knock at the door.  
  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  “Come in.”  
  
  
The door slides open to reveal Finn, who looks surprised to see Karé.    
  
  
She says, “I was just inviting our boy to dinner.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Finn says.  “Yeah, dinner.”  He turns to Poe.  “So, you in?”  
  
  
“I guess?”  _I can do this._   He’s chewing his lip now.  
  
  
“I promise that everyone will be on their best behaviors,” Karé says.  
  
  
Poe snorts and for a moment, he forgets about his anxiety.  “Jess and Iolo’s best behavior is still…”  He chuckles.  
  
  
Seeing Poe genuinely laugh is amazing, and Finn is surprised to find himself laughing too.  “The man has a point.”  
  
  
“Well, they’re gonna have to answer to me, so…”  Karé gets up.  “I’ll come back in about an hour?”  
  
  
Poe nods.  
  
  
“Poe,” she says, waiting for him to look up at her.  “It’ll be good.  Really.”  
  
  
He unclenches his shoulders.  “Yeah,” he says.  _Please let it go well._  
  
  
Karé gives Finn a pleading look.  
  
  
“Poe, it’ll be good for you,” Finn says.  
  
  
Karé stands in the doorway.  “We all care about you, and we haven’t gotten to sit down and eat with you in…”    
  
  
“Two years,” Poe says.  He nods and looks Karé in the eye.  “I’ll be there.  Don’t worry.”  
  
  
She nods and leaves.  But just as she does, she notices the bandages on Finn’s hand and shoots him a second-long inquiring look.  
  
  
Finn ignores it, lets the door slide closed behind him.  He’s come here determined to finally have “the talk” with Poe.  If nothing else, he needs to confront Poe about the rings.  
  
  
He opens his mouth, ready to get the ball rolling, but then he looks at Poe.  
  
  
Poe is tapping out an irregular rhythm on his legs and rocking slightly.  He has a deep crease set between his eyebrows and his lips are pushed together tight.  
  
  
Finn feels all his resolve evaporate.  He crosses to the bed and sits next to Poe.  “You’re nervous.”  
  
  
Poe sighs out and stills his hands.  “Yeah.  Sometimes it’s good and sometimes…”  He looks over at Finn.  “It’s just that rambling monologue in my head telling me how much everyone hates me, how I let everyone down.”  
  
  
“Poe—”  
  
  
“No, man, I’m…”  He forces a chuckle.  “Well, I ain’t good, but…”  He reaches over and takes Finn’s unbandaged hand without thinking.  
  
  
Finn feels as if his heart has stopped.  He freezes in fear.  _If I move, it’ll scare him away._  
  
  
Poe begins tracing figure-eights with his thumb.  “Remember the night before that first major offensive you were leading with the Pathfinders?”  
  
  
Finn nods, unsure of his voice.  Finally, he’s able to say, “Yeah.”  
  
  
“You were so tight that night, so kriffing nervous.”  
  
  
“I’d never led anyone before, Poe.  I mean, not here at least.  Not when it mattered.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  
  
  
Finn keeps waiting for more, but Poe just sits there, tracing lines on his hand, staring off into nothing.  Finn finally says, “You’re scared about tomorrow.”  
  
  
Poe barely nods.  
  
  
Finn’s about to tell him he doesn’t have to go, but catches himself.  _That will piss him off._ “You’re gonna be fine.  You’ll have Skywalker with you.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Poe’s voice breaks a bit.  
  
  
Finn turns his body and takes Poe’s hand in his other hand.  “Poe?  Poe, look at me.”  
  
  
Poe looks at him.  
  
  
“You are going to be fine.  You may be different, but like you said, you aren’t broken.  You still remember how to do all this stuff, and I swear to you that each and every one of us will have your back, okay?”  
  
  
Poe nods.  “Thanks,” he whispers.  
  
  
“Yeah,” Finn says.    
  
  
Poe blinks, seeing Finn’s hand.  “What’s with the bandage?”  
  
  
“Nothing.  Stupid accident in training,” Finn lies.  
  
  
Poe knows Finn is lying.  He studies the bandage and something that’s been gnawing at him for days starts to fit into place.  _Is this because of me?_   He wants to ask, but he also doesn’t want to ruin this fragile little thing they’ve got happening between them.  
  
  
After a moment, Finn feels the need to break the tension in the room.  “Want to try to get your mind off things for a while?”  
  
  
“Oh maker yes,” Poe says, pulling his hands away.  
  
  
“How ‘bout some sabacc?”  
  
  
“Sounds good,” Poe says.

 

* * *

  
  
Poe is sitting between Karé and Finn, and to their credit, everyone is trying to be on their best behavior, but that’s just making things awkward.  No one is really talking.  Everyone acts like at any moment, they’re all going to break.  Poe looks at Karé and Finn, flanking him, and figures they’re both shooting dangerous looks to anyone who might step out of line.  
  
  
“Guys,” he says.  “You can talk.  It’s okay.  I promise.”  
  
  
Rey starts, “We just didn’t want anyone to—”  
  
  
“Talk,” Poe says, “have a regular conversation.”  
  
  
“Sure thing,” Snap says.  
  
  
Poe pokes at his food while Snap talks about the new recruits.  Jess keeps watching Poe, as does Finn.  He is used to Finn, but Jess…  He is trying to ignore it, but finally he lets his fork fall to his plate.  “Okay, what,” he asks, looking at her.  
  
  
Jess’ face scrunches up in the way it does when she is actually trying to be tactful.  “What’s it like?”  
  
  
He raises an eyebrow.  “What’s what like, Testor?”  
  
  
She points to his eyes.  
  
  
Poe can feel the instant tension in the room.  He knows Finn’s about to say something, so he puts a hand on Finn’s leg.  “It’s fine,” he says to him.  He turns to Jess.  “I’m sensitive to bright light, which is why I wear these,” he points to his glasses, “and I’ve lost a good deal of my peripheral vision.  I can still see things.  Just not as much, and I need to move my head a lot more.”  
  
  
“And they,” Iolo asks, never looking up from his plate.  “They did that?”  
  
  
Poe shakes his head.  “The explosion.”  It’s a lie, at least partially, but he can’t bring himself to explain to them that part of it was his choice, his feeble attempt at keeping them safe.  And those thoughts start him down a dark path. 

 

 _Did it really matter in the end?_  
  
  
Snap seems to read the temperature of the table and starts a conversation with Jess about a rumor circulating about one of the new nurses in medical.  
  
  
Poe swallows and turns to Finn.  “I think I’m going to get some rest before…”  
  
  
“Yeah, of course,” Finn says rising.  
  
  
“Are you sure you’re up for tomorrow,” Iolo asks.  The whole table goes silent.  It’s a challenge and a declaration.  Iolo still hasn’t forgiven him completely.  _Probably never will._  
  
  
“I’ll be fine,” Poe says roughly.  He understands why Iolo’s doing this, but he really doesn’t want to hash it out right now.  
  
  
“See you tomorrow,” Snap says, a little too brightly, as Poe and Finn walk out.  Poe raises a hand in a wave.  
  
  
As soon as they leave, Poe can hear the group start bickering.  He shakes his head.  
  
  
“Iolo shouldn’t have—”  
  
  
“He’s entitled,” Poe says.  He and Finn take a few steps.  “And he was always a bit of a dick.”  
  
  
Finn laughs.  “You really want to rest or…  It’s still early.”  
  
  
Poe shrugs.    
  
  
“Come on, we can hang out in my room,” Finn says.  _I found the rings, Poe.  We need to talk about the rings.  But..._  
  
  
_But things were going so well earlier._  
  
  
Poe follows Finn, who has been awkward today.  And now, he’s downright strange.  He keeps stopping and staring at Poe, as if he’s unsure how to act.  _It’s like it was when we first started dating, for kriff’s sake_.  
  
  
Poe is aware that this is probably a bad idea, but he’s also aware that despite everything else, he’s missed hanging out with his best friend.  _And it’s probably a good idea not to be alone right now._  
  
  
_Too many bad thoughts._  
  
  
_Too many worries._  
  
  
Finn motions to his bed and Poe sits on it.  Finn opens his mouth.  _Just say it.  Just tell him about the box._   Instead, he hears himself, sounding way too chipper, say, “Holo?  Music?  I could read you one of those stupid histories you always were so into.”  
  
  
Poe chuckles.  “How about music?  I’ll save you from having to suffer through one of my histories.”  
  
  
“Thank goodness,” Finn says, swiping through his datapad and finding a playlist.  
  
  
As the music starts to play, he sits down next to Poe.  He’s stiff, his hands on his knees.  Poe turns to him and says, “Finn, we’ve hung out before.  Hell, we hung out this afternoon!  You really can relax.”  
  
  
Finn leans back on his elbows.  _Just lead up to it.  Start with something unrelated and work up to it._ “There’s a rumor that Snap is trying to get Karé to retire with him, start a family.”  
  
  
“Really,” Poe says.  “I can’t imagine him retiring or her saying yes.”  
  
  
Finn shrugs.  “You never know.  You remember that one Duros in command?  Ummm, whatz-its-name?”  
  
  
Poe laughs.  “Ollie,” he says.  
  
  
“Yeah, they retired six months ago.  Just up and left for a place near the core.”  
  
  
“Well, they were always a miserable fuck.”  
  
  
Finn chuckles.  “True.”  
  
  
Poe knows this is leading somewhere.  “What’s on your mind, Finn?”  
  
  
“Why does there have to be anything on my—”  
  
  
“Finn, I may have been gone a while, but I know when you’re trying to ramp up to something.”  
  
  
“Fine,” Finn says, leaning forward, “I…”  For some reason, he can’t do it.  “I guess I’ve just been thinking about possibly retiring myself.”  
  
  
“Banthashit,” Poe says.  
  
  
“It’s true.”  
  
  
“No, it isn’t,” Poe says.  Suddenly, the light mood is gone.    
  
  
“Poe, if I want to consider retiring, then—”  
  
  
“You are not going to retire for me,” Poe says, far more vehemently than he means to.  
  
  
“And you do not get to dictate what I do, Poe.  Free man now.  Remember?”  
  
  
Poe lets out a long breath and stands.  “Kriff, Finn.  That’s not what I…”  He walks away from the bed.  “I’m not trying to…”  He turns to Finn.  “You’ve made a real life here, Finn.  Sticking around who-knows-where waiting for me to get better isn’t a life.”  
  
  
“It worked for the past two years,” Finn says.  
  
  
“Really?”  
  
  
Finn doesn’t have an answer, so he moves on to the one thing he’s never budged from, “I love you.”  
  
  
Poe sighs.  He crosses back over to the bed.  “I love you too.”  Poe sits down.  “But that’s not enough.”  
  
  
“What do you mean it’s not enough?  We love each other!  That’s…  Beings fight wars over love, for crying the kriff out loud!”  _You were going to marry me!_  
  
  
Poe lets out a long breath.  “We jumped into a relationship in the middle of a war and…”  He gets really quiet, “sometimes love isn’t enough.”  
  
  
“Fuck that,” Finn says.  He gets up and starts to pace.  “Just…fuck that.”  _I saw the damn rings, Poe!_  
  
  
“Finn, you’ve gotta figure out your life here in the Resistance without me in it, and I’ve got to figure out my life…my life outside the Resistance.”  It takes all his energy to say it.  “Neither of us can do that if we’re holding onto something from the past, trying to be who we were then instead of who we are now.”  
  
  
“Poe, I don’t hold any delusions about who you are now.”  
  
  
“Maybe you don’t, but I’m still trying to figure it out.”  
  
  
“Poe.”  
  
  
“Finn, I can’t…I can’t stay here.  I can’t do this anymore.”  
  
  
“You’re Poe fucking Dameron!  You can do anything!  What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?”  
  
  
Poe doesn’t have the energy to raise his voice.  “It’s…I can’t explain it.  It’s like they flipped a switch and everything I thought I felt, everything I thought I was…it’s just gone.”  
  
  
“It’s not gone, Poe.  If you just—”  
  
  
“Finn, do not tell me that I need to try harder or just give it time and wait it out!  I’m trying every single damn minute I’m alive, and I’m telling you, I can’t be here.  I can’t be around these people.”  His breath is shaky.  “Someone tried to hug me yesterday and I thought I was gonna die.  And the day before that, someone dropped a wrench in one of the hangars and I hid behind a set of crates for an hour before I could move again.  And don’t even get me started on the number of beings who hate me—”  Finn opens his mouth, but Poe continues, “I know you and Jess talked to them, but you can’t kriffing shield me forever.  This is a fragging military base, and…  I can’t do this—I will not get better here.  I have to leave.”  
  
  
“And I can’t go with you?”  
  
  
“No,” Poe says.  “You can’t.”  
  
  
Finn understands—on some basic, rational level, he understands.  But on an emotional level, Poe Dameron is ripping his heart out.  
  
  
“So those rings?  In the crate?  That was just a joke then?”  
  
  
_FUCK._   Poe’s heart starts hammering in his chest as he suddenly remembers it all: buying the rings during a quick mission to the core, hiding them in his damn keepsake chest, planning the proposal, which was going to happen after the fragging mission to Selvaris.  Poe grits his teeth to keep from screaming or crying, he’s not sure which.  “Different circumstances,” he bites out.  
  
  
“The way I’ve heard it, it’s for better or for worse,” Finn says.  
  
  
“Yeah, well, I never did propose, did I?”  
  
  
Finn walks towards the far wall and kicks it with a yell.  
  
  
Poe flinches.  
  
  
Finn lets his forehead fall against the wall and his voice is muffled as he says, “Poe, it’s not like I just turned off my emotions.  I get that you don’t want me saving you, but why do you get to save me?”  
  
  
“Kriff,” Poe says.  “It’s…”  He runs a hand through his hair.  “Finn, I am in no place to have a relationship right now.  I can’t…I can’t be a partner to you, to anyone.  I have to figure this out on my own.  That’s the only way it’s gonna work.”  
  
  
“The only way,” Finn asks.  
  
  
“Yeah.  Once we finish this mission, I’m leaving,” Poe says.  “Without you.”  
  
  
Finn stands still for a minute, warring with himself.  Eventually, he pushes off the wall and comes to sit down next to Poe; he takes his hand.  Poe immediately tenses and Finn starts to let go.  “No,” Poe mumbles, grabbing onto Finn’s hand.  “Just... I can do this.”  
  
  
They sit for a few minutes, hand in hand.  
  
  
“Poe,” Finn starts.  
  
  
“Finn, I can’t have this argument right now.”  Poe sounds tired, defeated.  
  
  
Finn sighs.  “Fine.”  
  
  
They sit there for several minutes before Finn simply starts talking, “I miss you so kriffing much, Poe.  And okay, fine, maybe I understand some of what you’re saying.  This isn’t a good place for you.  I get that, but man, why does it have to be all or nothing?  Why don’t I get a say in this?  I just…  I…”  He brings Poe’s hand up to his lips.  He brushes a light kiss over Poe’s knuckles as he squeezes his eyes shut to try to stop his tears.  “We could try long distance,” Finn eventually says.  
  
  
“No,” Poe says.  “I don’t want you here tethered to me like that.  I…”  He shakes his head.  “I won’t…  I can’t…”  He closes his eyes and breathes in a long, deep breath.  
  
  
The room is quiet for several seconds before Finn whispers, “It isn’t fair.”  
  
  
“Life isn’t fair,” Poe says.  “It’s a shitty thing to tell you, but it’s all I’ve got.”  
  
  
Finn nods, keeping Poe’s hand up next to his face.  He whispers, “So, this is it, then?”  
  
  
Poe can’t bring himself to say it, so he just nods.  
  
  
“Okay,” Finn breathes out.  
  
  
Over the next few minutes, most of the tension fades from the room.  Finn continues pressing his lips to Poe’s hand, and Poe knows he should pull it away, create some boundaries, but for the life of him, he can’t.  Despite everything, he still wants this—still wishes he could figure out a way to make this work.  He still loves Finn more than anything in the universe.  
  
  
For the longest time, it’s just Finn pressing featherlight kisses to Poe’s hand, but at some point they both shift.  Finn drops Poe’s hand and runs his thumb across Poe’s cheek.  Poe’s eyes flutter closed and he shivers.  For a moment, he worries the reconditioning is back.  _No, Dameron.  This is how it feels when he touches you_.    
  
  
Finn leans forward and pauses about an inch in front of Poe’s face.  “Can I?”  
  
  
“Please,” Poe breathes out.  
  
  
And then, they’re kissing.    
  
  
Poe feels the tears streaking down his cheeks, but he doesn’t care.  He’d forgotten how good it felt to touch Finn, to be pressed up against him, to kiss him.  “Finn,” he whispers, grabbing the back of Finn’s head to pull him closer.  It becomes a litany he repeats over and over again.  
  
  
Finn closes his eyes, lets Poe’s voice wash over him.  He starts kissing up Poe’s neck and then, Poe is pulling at Finn’s shirt and they’re falling back onto the bed.  
  
  
They both start removing their clothes.  Their hands rove over familiar flesh.  Their lips revisit the places they both thought they’d forgotten.  
  
  
It’s an intricate dance, but they both remember all of the steps.  
  
  
They don’t speak.  Both try to stay out of their heads and just enjoy the moment.  
  
  
_Don’t think about tomorrow_ , Poe begs himself.  
  
  
_Don’t worry about the future_ , Finn thinks.  
  
  
And it works, to a degree.  They both remember enough of this—enough of how they used to fit together and make this work—that they can both get lost in the fantasy that no time has passed, that nothing has happened, that they are who they were and that this isn’t an ending but simply a continuation.  
  
  
The feelings are still there.  Their bodies are still reacting.  And soon enough, they’re panting and sweating, and Finn has found that sensitive spot under Poe’s ear and Poe’s fingers are tracing the all-too-familiar lines of Finn’s scars.  
  
  
And after minutes—or maybe it’s hours, neither can be sure—Poe hears himself crying out, begging, pleading with Finn for more, and Finn feels that familiar friction and the tension in his lover’s body just before he’s going to come, and he smiles as then and now meld into one.  
  
  
Poe’s head falls back and he breathes out Finn’s name as his body clenches and he rides wave after wave of something he’d forgotten.  Two breaths later, Finn yells as he tumbles over the edge, and for one bright moment, all is right with the universe.  There are no problems.  There is no First Order.  There is no war.  
  
  
There is only Poe and Finn.

 

* * *

  
  
Finn gasps and falls forward, catching himself before he topples on top of Poe.  And everything comes rushing back at him.  He sucks in a breath and slowly pulls out.  He rolls to the side—his side—of the bed.  
  
  
Poe reaches out, puts a hand on Finn’s stomach.  It’s a familiar gesture, one repeated hundreds of times in the past.  Finn feels like Poe’s hand might just burn right through him, but he doesn’t dare move it.  It’s one last scrap of what they used to have, who they used to be.  
  
  
Soon enough, Poe’s breathing settles, and Finn knows Poe’s asleep.    
  
  
He’s fully awake, left staring at the ceiling.  
  
  
_What in the fuck did we just do?_

 

 


	9. The Mission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team goes back to where it all started…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon-typical violence with perhaps one exception (spoiler in the end notes)

  
  
Poe’s leg is bouncing up and down in the co-pilot’s seat.    
  
  
“Dameron, if you don’t stop that, I’m going to make you sit in the back with Snap and the Pathfinders.”  
  
  
Poe stops his leg, only to have it start up again a minute later.  
  
  
Luke reaches over from the seat behind Poe’s and places a hand on Poe’s shoulder.  Poe’s leg stops jiggling.  He swallows and nods.  “I’m good,” he says.  Luke removes the hand.  “Thanks.”  
  
  
Poe deliberately doesn’t look at the instrumentation in front of him; it’s too tempting to reach out and start trying to fly.  _This is Karé’s show.  It was big of her to even let me sit up here.  Don’t screw it up._ He closes his eyes and the one thought he’s been avoiding all morning comes roaring through his head, _Should’ve talked to Finn before we left._  
  
  
They’d both gotten up silently, used the fresher, and dressed without speaking.  It was agonizing and awkward and Poe is mad at himself for not saying something.  
  
  
Poe huffs out a breath.  _We’ll talk when we get back._  
  
  
The ship bounces through a bit of turbulence.  _Maker willing._  
  
  
“Jess,” Karé barks into the comms.  “Any word from Finn’s team yet?  I’m getting tired of waiting.”  
  
  
Jess snorts.  “Well, can’t have Karé waiting, can we?”  
  
  
“Nothing yet,” Iolo’s voice cuts in.  Then, there’s a beeping.  “Wait…”  
  
  
Karé shakes her head.  “Come on, already,” she says in a low voice.  
  
  
Iolo’s voice comes back on.  “You’re clear, Karé.  Move!”  
  
  
“Okay,” Karé says into the ship’s comms.  “Things are about to get bumpy.”  
  
  
She brings the ship in low across the landscape.  Poe moves his head to get a better idea of what he’s seeing in front of him.  There’s a beacon blinking in the distance.  _Finn_ , he thinks with a smile.  
  
  
Karé turns to him.  “So, we clear on what we’re doing?”  
  
  
Poe fights hard not to roll his eyes.  “Yes, _ma’am_ , I’m clear.  You do your thing; Luke and I will do ours, and we’ll keep our comm lines open so we know when to get out.”  
  
  
“Poe, it’s just…”  
  
  
“Karé, don’t.”  
  
  
She nods.  “Good luck, Poe.”  
  
  
“You too.”

 

* * *

  
  
  
Snap and his team and Karé and hers are the first out of the transport.  Once Poe and Luke get the all clear from them, they make their way inside.  In the distance, they can hear shouting and blaster fire.  
  
  
“Any of this seem familiar,” Luke asks as they walk into a hangar.  
  
  
Poe shakes his head.  “We need to go down.  I probably wasn’t conscious when I was in this part of the base.  Plus, I was blind.”  
  
  
Luke nods and points to a lift at the far end of the space.  
  
  
“You feelin’ anything,” Poe asks as they get in.  He grabs a rail as it descends into the base.  
  
  
Luke shakes his head.  “Sometimes, when there are dozens of beings, it’s hard to…”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  “Just tell me if you get anything.”  _I can do this._  
  
  
The lift door slides open and Luke steps forward, igniting his lightsaber.  
  
  
“There a problem,” Poe asks, reaching for the blaster that Snap had very reluctantly given him.  
  
  
Luke shakes his head.  “Something…”  He looks left then right.  “Just want to be careful.”  
  
  
Poe steps out and swallows.  Thankfully, none of this looks familiar.  Not that it would.  But Poe feared it would, all the same.  _No, it’s that generic, terrifying First Order design that all their ships and bases seem to share_ , but nothing about it specifically sets him off.  
  
  
“Which way,” Luke asks.  
  
  
Poe shrugs and then says, “Left.”  
  
  
They walk down a long corridor, going through intersections—Poe’s just winging this, but something tells him he’s right; it’s that feeling he used to get flying sometimes when he just knew which way to point Black One.  
  
  
Luke stops.  “Right,” he says, pointing.  
  
Poe turns at the next intersection and freezes.  Something hits him—a smell, a feeling, he can’t tell exactly what, but this hall is familiar.  For a good ten seconds, he forgets to breathe.  Luke comes up next to him, his hand hovering just over Poe’s shoulder.  Poe nods and Luke’s hand lightly rests there, warm but not pushing.  
  
  
Poe sucks in a breath.  And then another and then another.  
  
  
“Familiar,” Luke asks.  
  
  
“Yes,” Poe breathes out.  He sounds unsure.  He walks to a door on the right side about halfway down the hall.  It slides open and Poe sees a metal table.  Horrible sensations start coming back to him.  He steps back, stumbling into Luke.  “That’s where…”  He swallows and just lets himself shake.  “That’s…  We’re not going in there.”  
  
  
They can hear the fighting getting closer.  
  
  
Poe crouches down, his breathing coming in ragged chunks.  _Keep it together, Dameron.  You can do this._   Luke presses his hand into Poe’s shoulder and Poe can feel the energy Luke is sending him.  
  
  
“Where did they keep you,” Luke asks.  “Focus on that.  Where would the prisoners be?”  
  
  
Poe starts to shake his head.  _How in the kriff would I remember that?_   _I couldn’t see anything!_ He stops and blinks and then, a memory comes bubbling up—he’s being dragged by his armpits by two Stormtroopers down the hall and…  
  
  
Poe starts running.  He can feel the route in his body.  He turns left at the next intersection and then a quick right.  He stops at the end of a hall with five doors on either side.  
  
  
It’s as if all the air has been punched out of him.  _Fuck._  
  
  
Luke comes up behind him.  “Poe?  Poe!”  
  
  
Poe shakes himself out of it and looks at Luke.  
  
  
“Let’s get to work,” the Jedi says.  Luke takes the left side of the hall and Poe takes the right.  Luke’s lightsaber hums as Poe shoots the locks off doors.  Poe had expected beings to come running out, but no one does.  He looks in the last cell and falls to his knees.  The human male inside— _probably a Stormtrooper_ , he thinks—has a swollen face.  He’s bloody, rolled onto his side, clutching his stomach in pain.    
  
  
Luke stands behind him.  “Poe?”  He crouches down.  “Poe, I know this isn’t going to be easy, but we have to help these beings.  We can’t leave them here.  Poe, just focus on keeping these beings safe.  Nothing else.  Just keep these beings safe, okay?”  
  
  
Poe nods.  He closes his eyes.  _I can do this.  Keep them safe._   He pushes up and goes into the cell, aiming his blaster at the chains holding the human to the wall.  The human winces as the shot hits.  Poe crouches down beside him.  “Can you walk,” he asks.  
  
  
The man moans.  
  
  
“Buddy, you’ve gotta try to get up, okay?”  
  
  
He can hear Luke pulling a Twi’lek from the cell across the way.  She’s in better shape than this guy.  Poe slowly reaches for the man.  “I’m gonna touch you now, help you get up.”  He reaches under the guy’s arm and slowly pulls him up, groaning under the guy’s weight.  _Keep them safe._   “Try to walk.”  The man does, moaning in pain, but it’s clear that he will be able to move.  Poe gets him out of the cell and hands him off to another one of Luke’s prisoners.    
  
  
He goes into another cell and tries to ignore the familiar smells of blood and urine as he helps a small human female out.  _Keep them safe._  
  
  
There are eight of them all together.  They’re all injured.  Some are helping keep others upright.  “I’m Poe Dameron and this is Luke Skywalker and we’re here to rescue you.”  He can tell from some of the looks on their faces that they’re feeling conflicted, so he adds, “The First Order are the ones who sent you here.  We’re the ones getting you out, okay?”  That seems to reach most of them.  
  
  
“Now, we have to move.”  He looks to Luke.  “I’ll be up front; you’ve got the rear.”  
  
  
Luke nods and they start back towards the lift.

 

* * *

  
  
  
Finn and his team managed to sneak in, jam communications, and take out a number of guards before someone raised the general alarm.  _But of course_ , he thinks as his team slowly pushes back against a garrison of Stormtroopers, _it couldn’t stay easy._  
  
  
He knows that Snap’s team and Karé’s team are in.  Snap is pinned down somewhere on the east end of the base, but from what little he’s heard over the comms, Karé is still moving.  And as far as he knows, he’s lured enough of the base towards his position that Luke and Poe shouldn’t be facing many obstacles.  _Thank goodness for something_ , he thinks to himself as he pops his head around a corner to return fire.  
  
  
Right now, as he watches the Pathfinders do their job and he scans the hall in front of them for possible traps or blind spots, Finn is thankful that a lifetime of military training has taught him how to compartmentalize.  Because that means that Poe is simply one more piece of an intricate puzzle and not the guy who woke up next to him this morning.  
  
  
He shuts his eyes for a fraction of a second.  _Focus_ , _Finn,_ his mind roars.  _I will not let you jeopardize any of these beings because you couldn’t keep it in your pants._  
  
  
He heaves out a breath and continues forward.  
  
  
Rey is, naturally, being amazing, and with her help, they are making progress—hopefully by the time anyone realizes that Finn’s team is mainly a diversion, Luke and Poe will have any survivors, Karé will have her intel, and Snap’s charges will be set.  _That’s a lot of moving parts_ , Finn reminds himself as one of his Pathfinders yells, “Clear.”  
  
  
They’re slowly working their way down a hall, trying to make sure there are no surprises in any of the rooms they pass.  So far, thankfully, most of the rooms have been empty.  Finn figures most of the officers have fallen back to safer ground.  
  
  
They come up to the next door and Finn nods the Pathfinders and Rey on ahead.  Finn punches a button, the door slides open, and Finn spies two First Order officers—they’re young and scared.  They both whip around to stare at him, wide-eyed, their hands raised.  
  
  
Finn steps in the room, his blaster pointed at them.  “I’m looking for Hanex.”  
  
  
They both stare at a door at the far end of the room.  
  
  
“In there,” Finn asks, trying not to let his eagerness bleed into his voice.  He’s been asking any time they find someone and this is the first hit he’s gotten.  
  
  
They both nod.  
  
  
“Hands behind your backs,” he whispers.  They both oblige.  He walks backward towards the hall.  “Kit,” he calls out.  One of the Pathfinders jogs in.  “I’ve got two prisoners.”  He nods to the officers.    
  
  
Kit grabs two sets of binders off a nearby table and cuffs them.  “With me,” he orders.  They both silently slink out of the room, Kit’s gun trained at their backs.  For a moment, Finn wants to feel sorry for them—they look so defeated.  Then, he remembers why they’re here, what they did to Poe.  
  
  
Finn slowly stalks to the door at the far end of the room.  He takes a deep breath, lets it out, and then activates the lock.  The door slides open to reveal another officer—he’s in his fifties or early sixties with salt-and-pepper hair and small dark eyes.  He’s frantically gathering flimsi and datachips off a desk, but he straightens as he sees Finn, trying his best to mask his panic.  The man raises his hands.  “I’m Admiral Hanex, head of the First Order’s reconditioning program and commander of this station.  I’m certain that the Order will pay handsomely for—”  
  
  
Finn shoots the man between the eyes and watches him fall to the ground.  

  
  
He stands there for a few seconds, staring at the body, before the sounds of fighting drag him back to the task at hand.  

 

“Clear,” Finn yells as he moves back out into the hall.

 

* * *

  
  
  
Luke, Poe, and the prisoners make it to the hangar before everything goes to hell.  
  
  
Suddenly, Stormtroopers pour into the space.  Karé and Snap are yelling over the comms for everyone to get back to the transports, and Poe is thankful to see some Pathfinders in the hangar already.  
  
  
Luke holds his lightsaber in front of him and yells over his shoulder, “Get them on the transport, Poe.”  
  
  
Poe starts herding them towards it, where a Pathfinder waits at the top of the ramp, trying to provide cover.  
  
  
Luke is holding off at least ten Stormtroopers as Poe shepherds the prisoners across the hangar.  Poe spares a look back and is in pure awe of the Jedi.  _This is what all those stories were about_ , he thinks.  _Damn._     “Come on,” he yells to the prisoners.  
  
  
As the last of them run up the ramp, Poe runs back into the hangar.  “Luke,” he screams.  “Luke, we’re clear!”  
  
  
Luke doesn’t turn to acknowledge him but nods, his lightsaber causing streaks in Poe’s vision, it’s moving so fast.  
  
  
Poe is about to do the sensible thing and run back to the transport when he sees two Deathtroopers moving just outside of Luke’s sight.  “Fuck,” Poe yells.  He raises his blaster and fires two shots that go horribly wide.  _Great, I’ve got no kriffing sense of aim anymore._   He then does the one thing he can think of: he runs and jumps at the troopers just as they try to fire on the Jedi.    
  
  
Suddenly, he’s grappling on the ground.  One of them yanks off his glasses and Poe yells—it is way too bright.  He squeezes his eyes shut with a growl and continues grabbing and scratching and kicking, anything he can do to give Luke more time.  
  
  
Snap is yelling something over the comms, but Poe is too focused on the two bodies he’s intertwined with to hear it.  
  
  
Luke is slowly backing up towards the transport when he spies Poe on the ground wrestling with two Deathtroopers.  _What is it with the Damerons_ , Luke thinks, thanking the universe that there is a whole family of people as wonderfully reckless and selfless as Han was.  He moves his hand to use the Force to separate the three when a stray blaster shot clips his shoulder.  “Frag,” Luke yells.  
  
  
Poe manages to find one of their helmets and lifts the Deathtrooper’s head and smashes it into the ground.  He then turns to find the other one, who has slipped out of his grasp.  “Fuck it,” he says and opens his eyes.  It hurts, but Poe can make things out.  The Deathtrooper has stepped away from Poe and his unconscious partner and is aiming at Luke.  
  
  
Poe pushes himself up and grabs the trooper, spinning him, just as a shot goes off.

 

* * *

  
  
  
  
Finn and his team are crossing the hangar back towards the transports.  Snap and Karé and their teams are streaming back in too.  They’re trying to hold off a lot more Stormtroopers than anyone expected.    
  
  
Finn spots Luke across the way and he stops running.  _Where’s Poe?_  
  
  
And then he sees it happen—it’s like Selvaris all over again, except this time he can watch it live.  “Poe,” he calls out just as the shot is fired.  
  
  
Poe crumples to the ground.  
  
  
“POE,” Finn screams.  He starts running towards Poe’s body, lying limp on the floor.  He nearly gets clipped by fire.  “POE!”  It sounds as if his heart is being torn from him.    
  
  
Snap get there first.  He bends down.  Finn feels the whole world slow down.  _Please say he’s okay.  Please don’t let it end like this.  Please._  
  
  
_Please.  Please.  Please.  Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease…_  
  
  
“I’ve got a pulse,” Snap roars.    
  
  
Finn stops and lets out a breath.  He sends a quick prayer of thanks up to the universe.  Another shot nearly hits him, and that drags him back to what’s going on around him.  “Luke, get the kriff back to your transport now.  Actually, everyone, move!  The charges are set,” he yells into his comms.  
  
  
“Yes, sir,” come several replies.  
  
  
Finn yells, “Snap?”  
  
  
Snap picks up Poe and starts running back to his transport.  “I’ve got him, Finn.”  
  
  
“Then, let’s get out of here.”

 

* * *

  
  
  
_Poe is going to be fine._ Dr. Kalonia and the other members of her staff repeated that line dozens of times and now, once they’ve kicked him out of med bay, it’s starting to sink in.  
  
  
_Poe is going to be fine._  
  
  
Finn’s door slides open and he walks into the dark room.  
  
  
_Poe is going to be…_  
  
  
It comes on suddenly.  His eyes fill with tears, his breath catches and he is crying.    
  
  
Months—no, years—of repressed fear and anger and grief come pouring out of him.  His mind clears as he simply feels.  He wraps his arms around himself as his body shudders.  He sucks in breath after breath and the tears fall.  It is loud and his nose is running and he doesn’t care.  
  
  
It feels cathartic, like this is what he’s needed to do since he first got word about Selvaris, so Finn lets himself cry, and eventually he falls to his knees when he just can’t stand anymore.  
  
  
Finn cries in frustration.  He cries in fear.  He cries in relief, and he cries in pain.  Finn cries for what once was and what might have been, and he cries because right now, that’s all he can do.

 

* * *

  
  
Hours later, Finn gets up and goes to the fresher.  He splashes cold water on his face until the heat goes away.  He looks into the mirror.  His face is puffy and his eyes are red, but more than that, he has a sunken-in quality.  _I look like shit_ , he thinks.  
  
  
He stares at the Finn in the mirror, wanting to apologize to him, wishing he could go back and do things differently, but he honestly doesn’t know what he’d change.  
  
  
Eventually, he swallows and decides to shower.  As he stands under the water, he closes his eyes and accepts the truth: _it didn’t change anything._  
  
  
_He’s still going to leave._  
  
  
_The war is still going to continue._  
  
  
_I’m still going to feel like this._  
  
  
_I’ve still lost Poe._  
  
  
Finn leans his head against the tile wall.  He’s too tired to cry anymore, so he just lets the water fall and tries not to think about anything.    
  
  
_I’ll think about it tomorrow_ , he promises himself.  
  
  
_I’ll deal with all of this tomorrow._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finn shoots someone without remorse (well, he's going to be dealing with it more in the next chapter).


	10. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the battle, it’s time to say goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: anxiety, nightmares, irrational thoughts, discussions of torture

 

 

Dr. Kalonia is just finishing up when Finn stops in the doorway.  He raises an eyebrow at her.  “Come in,” she says.  He looks at Poe, who is sitting up in his bed.  
  
  
Poe nods.  “Come in.”  It sounds resigned.  
  
  
Finn walks in and takes a chair at the end of the bed.  
  
  
Dr. Kalonia swipes through her datapad and then fixes Poe with a hard stare.  “As long as you rest, Colonel, we should be able to let you out of here in a few days.”  
  
  
“Rest,” he repeats.  “And it’s just Poe now, doctor.”  
  
  
She looks pained for an instant before she schools her face into a smile.  “Get some rest, Poe,” she says, walking out.  
  
  
Finn waits until she’s down the hall before he asks, “How do you feel?”  
  
  
“Old,” Poe says.  
  
  
Finn chuckles.  “You’re not that old, Poe.”  
  
  
Poe shakes his head.  “I think war ages you a bit and…”  He lets it hang there.  He sighs and decides to refocus the conversation.  “Dr. Kalonia didn’t know any particulars.  Did everyone make it out okay?”  
  
  
Finn nods.  “A few bumps and bruises.  You got the worst of it,” he says.  
  
  
“Seems about right,” Poe says.  At one time, it would’ve been a joke.  Now, Finn’s not so sure.  
  
  
“And the prisoners?”  
  
  
“The General got them on a transport to Dr. Talan’s facility this morning.  Dr. Kalonia treated the worst of their injuries and now, hopefully, Dr. Talan can help with the rest.”  
  
  
Poe leans back and nods.  “Good.”  
  
  
For a moment, neither of them is sure where to start.  
  
  
“Poe, I—”  
  
  
“Finn, I—”  
  
  
They both chuckle.  
  
  
“You first,” Poe says.  
  
  
“No, you,” Finn says.  
  
  
Poe sinks back a little into his bed.  “I’m still leaving,” he says, avoiding Finn’s eyes.  “As soon as I’m better and there’s a transport.”  
  
  
Finn wants to argue it, but instead he keeps his mouth closed and nods.  
  
  
Poe looks up.  “I...I just, I didn’t want you to think that the other night, with us?  I didn’t want you to think I’d changed my mind or anything,” Poe says.  
  
  
Finn shakes his head.  “No,” he says.  His chest feels so tight.  “I didn’t figure,” he lies.  _I’d hoped with all my being, but I guess sometimes we don’t get what we want._ “You’ve been pretty clear about that.”  
  
  
“Finn,” Poe says, “it’s not that it didn’t mean anything…”  Now it’s Finn avoiding Poe’s eyes.  
  
  
Finn rises.  “I know.”  He looks around, suddenly unsure of himself around Poe.  “I should…I should go.  Need to talk to the General.”  
  
  
“Oh,” Poe says, the disappointment clear in his voice.  
  
  
“But I’ll be back,” Finn says.  He forces a wide smile onto his face.  “You aren’t going to get out of here without seeing me again, Dameron.”  He walks to the door.  “Get some rest.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Poe says.  As Finn walks away, he reflects that sometimes getting what you want sucks.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Finn nods at her from across command.  “Statura,” the General says.  “Will you give me a few minutes?”  
  
  
“Of course,” he says, taking over the intelligence briefing.  
  
  
She walks to her office where Finn is already waiting.  She points to the couch on the far side of the room and quickly produces two glasses of rum.  _I’ve got a feeling I’m going to be out of this stuff by the end of the week_ , she thinks as she settles in on the couch next to Finn.  
  
  
“How is he,” she asks.  
  
  
Finn takes a slow drink then nods.  “He’ll be fine,” he says.  Then he laughs.  “Fine,” he repeats.  He shakes his head.  _What does that even mean anymore?_  
  
  
Leia watches Finn, willing herself not to speak.  _He needs to come to this in his own way._  
  
  
Finn sips his drink, staring off into the middle space of her office.  “Killed the man who reconditioned Poe.  Shot him between the eyes.”  
  
  
“And?”  
  
  
Finn swallows.  “The bastard deserved to die,” he says.  “And I’m not sorry I did it.”  He looks down into his glass, swirls his drink.  “I’m not sure how I feel about that, though.”  He looks up at her.  “If we don’t hesitate, if we don’t have any remorse, are we any better than them?”  
  
  
It’s a question she’s battled with all her life.  “I hope so, Finn.”  She sighs.  “But I don’t know.”  
  
  
“No easy answers, eh?”  
  
  
“No,” she says.  
  
  
Finn takes another drink and sets the glass on his leg.  He stares at her.  “I was supposed to find him and bring him back and…”  He looks down at the glass.  He’s clenching it so tight, she’s afraid it might break.  “He’s leaving,” he finally manages.  
  
  
“I know,” she says softly.  
  
  
“He was never going to stay,” Finn says.  
  
  
“No,” Leia says.  She can’t face Finn right now.  “I didn’t figure he’d…”  She swallows.  “In a way, he really did die back on Selvaris.”  
  
  
Finn tenses but then he lets all of it go and slumps back into the chair.  “Yeah,” he says.  
  
  
Leia finishes her rum and leans forward to put the glass on a table.  She folds her hands in her lap and stares at them.  She suddenly wonders where all of the time went.  _I used to be this young_ , she thinks, looking over at Finn.  She frowns.  “I’m sure there are things I could tell you now about how it gets easier and how it’s all part of some bigger plan, but honestly, I think that’s banthashit.”  
  
  
Finn smiles at hearing the expletive cross her lips.  
  
  
“The first time Han left, I thought that was heartbreak.”  She shakes her head.  “And then, when he came back, I thought things could be like they were.  But they weren’t.  We’d both changed.”  She sighs.  “It’s the same with Luke.  Our relationship is different now.  It can’t ever be what it was then.”  
  
  
“Does that mean you just give up,” Finn asks, contemplating the rum in his glass.  
  
  
“No,” Leia says.  “It means that you have to accept that you can’t go back.”  She puts a hand on his leg.  “And it means that the two of you may not have the same sorts of ideas anymore about what your relationship is.”  
  
  
“Who is Poe Dameron outside of the Resistance,” Finn says, not expecting any answer.  
  
  
“Hmmmmmm,” Leia hums.  “It may take him the rest of his life to figure it out.”  
  
  
Finn finishes his drink and sets his glass on the table.  He takes Leia’s hand in his.  “You tried to warn me.”  
  
  
“Yes,” she says.  “But I’m glad you went anyway.  Even if he isn’t in the Resistance anymore, the galaxy is a better place with him in it.”  
  
  
Finn nods.    
  
  
They sit there for a long time before he speaks again.  “When does it stop hurting?”  
  
  
“I don’t know that it does,” she says, brutally honest as always.  She squeezes his hand.  “It gets easier to ignore the pain or the pain gets less insistent, but it’s still there,” she says, images of Han floating through her mind, followed by the inevitable images of Ben.  
  
  
Finn can feel the pain radiating off her.  He pulls his hand out of hers and wraps it around her shoulder, hugging her to him.  He’s probably never going to find out who his biological mother is, but he wouldn’t trade his adoptive mother for anything.  He kisses the top of her head and tries to send calm and happy feelings her way.  
  
  
“You’re going to be okay, Finn,” she says.  She believes it; he can sense that.  
  
  
“I know,” he says quietly.    
  


* * *

  
  
  
A few hours later, Karé comes into her office looking decidedly shaken.  Her left arm is in a sling.  The General presses her comm link, “Kaydel, could you please tell Statura and the others that I don’t want to be disturbed.”  
  
  
“Yes, ma’am,” Kaydel says.  
  
  
Leia motions towards a table at the side of the room.  “I’m glad to see you’re out of med bay.”  
  
  
Karé nods.  “I should be healed in a week or so.”  She then places several pieces of flimsi and a datachip onto the table and sinks into a chair.  Leia grabs some rum and two glasses.  She pours them both a drink before sitting down.  
  
  
Karé picks up her glass but doesn’t drink.  She’s staring into the distance, trying to find the right words.  Leia lets her have her time.  Eventually, Karé takes a sip and says, “It’s all there.  Everything they did.  Everything they put into his head.”  
  
  
Leia nods.  
  
  
Karé puts her glass down.  “He was supposed to come back as a sleeper, send limited intel back to the Order and then assassinate you and Luke if possible.  Rey and Finn were secondary targets.”  She shakes her head.  “They knew there was a chance he’d buck the programming, and they couldn’t put a tracker in him for fear it would show up on medical scans, but they figured even if it didn’t take, they’d still have ruined him.”  
  
  
Karé finally meets Leia’s eyes.  “He was a banthafucking experiment to them.  And the things they did…”  Her voice cracks.    
  
  
Leia reaches across the table and takes Karé’s hand.  “I’m sorry you had to see that.”  
  
  
Karé shakes her head, slipping her hand out of Leia’s grasp to wipe her eyes.  “Someone had to.”  She finishes her drink.  “I don’t think you or Finn should ever…”  She closes her eyes and sucks in a deep breath.  _I will not cry._   She lets the breath out.  “I don’t know that anyone should see it, but it’s on the chip.”  
  
  
Leia nods and pulls the chip and the flimsi over towards herself, staring at them as if they might bite.  
  
  
“They intercepted Finn’s transmission to Rey while he was on Leritor,” Karé continues.  “They knew Poe was there and they hoped that Finn would panic and bring him back here and they could follow or that it would somehow trigger Poe into acting on his programming.  Plus, it was a chance to capture Rey.”  
  
  
“We thought it would be something like that,” Leia says.  “That ranch held no other strategic significance for the Order.”  Leia takes a long drink.  “Not that that has ever mattered to them.”  
  
  
Karé rolls her empty glass between her hands.  “General,” she says.  She leans forward.  “I knew that…I mean, from what Finn told us, I knew that some of their methods were…”  
  
  
Leia nods.  
  
  
“Do you think Poe remembers,” Karé whispers.  
  
  
“I don’t know,” Leia says and she has to work to remain a General, has to fight against the tears that she wants to shed for the beautiful boy who jumped into the Resistance and gave it his all and got this in return.  
  
  
Karé stares at her empty glass.  “Maker, I hope not.”

 

* * *

  
  
  
Poe’s hands are shaking.  He bites the inside of his cheek and closes his eyes.  _Stop shaking.  Stop shaking._   He balls his hands up into fists and growls.  _Stop kriffing shaking._  
  
  
For the first day after he’d woken up from the bacta tank, he’d been good.  He didn’t know if it was leftover adrenaline or what, but he’d been calm, even able to tolerate people.  
  
  
But then, he’d crashed.  Bad.  
  
  
Now, every noise sets him off, he is extra afraid of people touching him, and he is anxious all the time.  
  
  
What’s making it worse, though, is that he is terrified that if he lets anyone know, they’ll lock him up.    
  
  
He knows it is irrational, but he can’t shake the feeling, so Poe tries to act like he’s fine.  He forces a smile and hides his hands under the sheets.  He lets the nurses touch him, even though it makes him want to scream, and he doesn’t tell anyone about the nightmares.    
  
  
But Poe’s not sure how much longer he can keep the charade up.  As it is, he feels so tightly wound, he’s afraid he’s going to have another panic attack or temper tantrum.  Dr. Kalonia has him in a secluded part of medical, and that has helped with the noises, but he still can’t seem to calm down.  
  
  
_They’re gonna lock me back up if I don’t…_    
  
  
_Stop shaking._   He pushes his fists into the bed.  
  
  
When he closes his eyes, he hears it—the blaster fire and the screams and beings yelling—and he has to fight back his tears.  It roars through his head, and it’s as if he can feel every shot rip through him, as if every scream is his own.  
  
  
And last night, in his dreams, it had been him, screaming on a cold, metal slab, the smell of dried blood and urine making him want to retch.  He’d woken up panting and sweating, afraid to close his eyes for the rest of the night.  
  
  
_Just keep it together until the doctor releases you.  Just pretend like everything’s fine until you can leave._   A part of him knows he needs to speak up, that there’s help available should he want it, but Poe is terrified they aren’t going to let him go.  
  
  
_Gonna spend the rest of my life in a place like this._ He starts rocking back and forth.  He pulls his knees up to his chest, wincing at the pain, and bows his head.  He can’t help the tears.  “I just wanna go home,” he mumbles into his legs, and he knows that home isn’t here, home isn’t this base.  Home is somewhere quiet where there isn’t blaster fire and where beings aren’t used to the smells of death and torture.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Dr. Kalonia sits in front of the comm, frowning as the connection is made.  “Hello, Gwen,” she says as Dr. Talan comes into view.  
  
  
“Hello,” Dr. Talan says, concern evident on her face.  
  
  
“He went out on a mission.”  
  
  
Dr. Talan takes in a sharp breath and mutters an expletive under her breath.  
  
  
“He was fine for the first day and then…”  
  
  
“And then, it all went to hell,” Dr. Talan says.  
  
  
“No, he’s…he’s definitely backtracked a little, but he’s keeping it together.”  
  
  
Dr. Talan looks intrigued.  
  
  
“That’s what worries me.  He’s trying to pretend that everything is fine, and…”  Dr. Kalonia shakes her head.  “I thought he’d reached a point where he accepted his therapy and…”  She trails off with a sigh.  
  
  
“Does he know you’re talking to me?”  
  
  
“No,” Dr. Kalonia says.  “I wanted your advice on what to do.”  
  
  
Dr. Talan nods.  “I’m going to talk to his father and get in touch with the therapist they’ve set up on Yavin IV.  I’ll have them contact you.  In the meantime,” Dr. Talan says, “I know it’s going to sound strange, but take him outside—away from the noise of the base, of course—but show him that you aren’t going to lock him up.”  
  
  
“We’d never—”  
  
  
“Harter, he was a POW and then one of the first things that happened when he was rescued was that he was put into medical restraints.  He’s terrified of being locked up and my guess is that on top of all of the triggers of him being on a kriffing mission, he’s also upset because he’s in a space he associates with loss of freedom.”  
  
  
Dr. Kalonia nods.  “I’ll take him out this afternoon.”  
  
  
“Good,” Dr. Talan says.  She rubs her eyes.  “Please tell me he is going home soon.”  
  
  
“As soon as we clear him for travel,” Dr. Kalonia says.  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Dr. Kalonia pushes the hover chair out into the wooded area behind command.  Poe’s been uncharacteristically quiet for the entire trip.  “Poe?”  
  
  
“Hmmmm?”  
  
  
“It’s unnerving,” Dr. Kalonia says.  
  
  
“Huh?”  He turns and looks up at her.  
  
  
“You’re a damn chatterbox.  You being quiet is…”  
  
  
Poe chuckles.  “Sorry.”  He shakes his head.  “I seem to recall you telling me to shut up on more than one occasion.”  
  
  
Dr. Kalonia laughs.  “Yes, well, that was then and this is now.”  
  
  
“Fair enough, doc.  What do you want me to talk about?”  
  
  
“What are you looking forward to doing when you get home?”  
  
  
Poe shrugs.  “Hadn’t thought about it.”  He stares off into the woods.  “Food,” he says.  “Oh man, I haven’t had my father’s cooking in…”  _Years._  
  
  
“He a good cook?”  
  
  
“Yeah.  He’s like Finn that way.  Good at damn near everything.  It would be irritating if he weren’t such a great guy.”  
  
  
“Finn or your father?”  
  
  
“Either one.”  Poe smiles.  
  
  
_Might as well while he’s in a good mood._   Dr. Kalonia takes a deep breath.  “I talked to your father earlier.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Poe suddenly becomes suspicious.  
  
  
“He and Dr. Amala wanted to come up with a plan, for when you’re back on Yavin.”  
  
  
“Yeah?”  _They’re gonna lock me up._  
  
  
She can feel him shaking.  “Poe, my goal is to get you to Yavin just as soon as I think your body can handle the trip.”  
  
  
“So, you’re not gonna…”  
  
  
“We aren’t going to keep you here, Poe.”    
  
  
He takes a deep breath and then another and the shaking seems to come under control.  Poe closes his eyes.  “I just…”  He licks his lips and breathes out a long sigh.  “Nothing personal, I’m just so kriffing sick of hospitals and med bays, doc.”  
  
  
She smiles.  “Well, it’s a good thing you won’t be in mine much longer then, isn’t it?”  
  
  
She turns them back towards base.  They walk in silence for a few minutes, watching a group of ground soldiers training at the end of the tarmac.  
  
  
“It’s like they ripped it out of me,” Poe says.  
  
  
“What, dear?”  
  
  
“That,” he nods towards the soldiers.  “Even if I could still do it physically, I just…”  He shakes his head.  “Mentally, I just…”  He sucks in a quick breath, trying not to cry.  
  
  
Dr. Kalonia stops pushing the chair and walks around in front of Poe.  She kneels.  He’s hiding his eyes from her.  “Poe?  Poe?”  She gives him her stern voice.  “Poe Dameron, I’ve seen all manner of being in this universe cry.  Tears don’t bother me.”  
  
  
Poe smiles despite himself and pushes up his glasses to wipe his eyes with his arm.  “Yeah, well, they bother me.”  
  
  
“Poe,” she says, making sure he’s looking at her.  “Sometimes it is far braver to leave than it is to stay.”  She looks down at the soldiers and then back at Poe.  “We both know that you’d be hurting yourself if you stayed.”  
  
  
Poe nods, his head falling down a bit as new tears start to form.  
  
  
“Poe?”  
  
  
Poe looks up at her.  
  
  
“I’m proud of you, Poe.”  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Four days later, Leia does the thing she’s been dreading.  “Kaydel,” she says into her comm.  “Could you ask Poe to come to my office?”  
  
  
Fifteen minutes later, Poe limps in and he can tell, just by the look on the General’s face, this isn’t going to be good.  
  
  
She decides to remain at her desk.  He sits on the other side.  
  
  
“Karé’s team found the files on their experiments on you.”  
  
  
Poe tenses and then forces his muscles to relax.  “And?”  
  
  
“We retrieved them before the base was destroyed.”  
  
  
Poe’s hands are shaking.  
  
  
Leia points to the flimsi and the datachip on her desk.  “I don’t know how much you remember…”  
  
  
“Some,” Poe says, trying to keep the memories that have surfaced from popping back into his mind.  He’s sweating now.  
  
  
“I also wasn’t sure how much you wanted to know about—”  
  
  
“Nothing,” Poe says.  
  
  
“Nothing?”  
  
  
“I don’t want to know.  And I don’t want anyone else to know, either.  Just…just destroy it.”  His hands have grasped the sides of his chair so tight, his knuckles have gone white.  
  
  
Leia nods.  
  
  
“Is that all,” Poe asks, already rising.  
  
  
“Yes, Poe,” Leia says.  
  
  
He walks towards the door and then pauses.  “I’ll be leaving in a few days.”  
  
  
“I know,” she says.  
  
  
He doesn’t turn around to look at her as he sighs.  “It was an honor, General.”  
  
  
Leia can’t help the tears in her eyes.  “For me too, Colonel.”  
  
  
He turns and throws her his sharpest salute.  She stands and returns it.  
  
  
Poe nods and leaves.  
  
  
Leia collapses into her chair.  She lets the General’s façade fall and stares at the door, thinking of all the ways that this war, and the one before it, have stolen so many of the things she loves.  
  
  
_I’m sorry, Poe._  
  


* * *

  
  
  
“So…”  
  
  
“So,” Finn looks down at the ground, scanning Poe’s duffle and his few other assorted belongings.  “You have everything?”  
  
  
Poe nods.  “Yeah, I’m good.”  
  
  
“Um,” Finn nods at the crate sitting a few feet away.  “I know you said you didn’t want it, but you should take it.  I think someday you might regret not having some of that stuff.”  
  
  
Poe turns to stare at the crate.  _So many hopes and dreams._   “It’s like a time capsule.”  
  
  
“Yeah, I guess it is,” Finn says, staring at it.  “But I don’t think that’s a bad thing.  Sometimes you need to remember, right?”  
  
  
Poe sighs.  “Yeah, you’re right.”  He moves over and puts his duffle on it and then returns to Finn.  
  
  
Finn looks up.  He misses being able to look directly into Poe’s eyes, but the dark glasses are doing extra duty today.  The wind is picking up the dust something terrible.  “It feels anti-climactic,” he finally says.  
  
  
Poe chuckles.  “Well, I died once already.  Maybe it’s okay that it’s a quieter sendoff this time.”  
  
  
“Yeah,” Finn says.  _Gallows humor._   He sticks his hands into his pockets.  “Just seems…  I don’t know…strange to think you won’t be here anymore.”  
  
  
“I haven’t been here in a long time, Finn.”  
  
  
“Yeah, maybe.”  
  
  
Poe shakes his head, looking around the tarmac at all the people running around.  His eyes rest on an X-wing.  “It’s not my life anymore.”  
  
  
“I figured it would always be our life.”  
  
  
“There’s no us anymore,” Poe says.    
  
  
Finn wants to scream, even if he knows it’s true.  “What are you gonna do now?”  
  
  
“Don’t know for sure.  Gonna visit my father.”  He shrugs.  “Then we’ll see.”  His voice gets quiet.  “Never figured I’d outlive being a pilot.”  
  
  
“Poe—”  
  
  
“Finn, don’t.”  
  
  
“You don’t know what I was going to say.”  
  
  
Poe licks his lips, making a mental note not to run his teeth along the bottom one.  “I can guess.”  
  
  
“You know, I’m not some damned book that only the infallible Poe Dameron can read.”  
  
  
“And I’m not your boyfriend anymore or your injured bird or whatever the hell it is that you think…”  Poe takes a deep breath.  _Don’t end things this way_.  “I don’t want to fight, Finn.”  
  
  
Finn shakes his head.  “I don’t want to fight, either.”  He sighs.  “I just…”  He steps forward.  “It isn’t fair.”  
  
  
“No, it isn’t.”  Poe lets out a long breath and stares at the X-wing in the distance, watching her pilot climb up into her and feeling a pang of jealousy so acute that for a split second he worries the reconditioning has come back.  “But there’s nothing we can do about it, right?  Just have to live the lives we’re given.”  
  
  
“Or fight to change them.”  
  
  
“Some things you can’t change, Finn,” Poe says quietly.  “Some things change so much that they’re never the same.”  
  
  
Finn bows his head.  “I still love you.”  
  
  
“And I still love you.  But it’s time we both moved on.”  
  
  
Finn looks up at him.  “You think it’s that easy?”  
  
  
“No.  But I think it’s what we have to do if we want to stay sane.”  Poe looks back at the transport.  They are nearly ready to go.  He opens his mouth and finds himself choking up.  “Never figured I was going to have to say goodbye to you like this.  Figured it would either be one of us dying in battle or if we were really lucky, we’d be making a life for ourselves together after the war.”  
  
  
“It still could—”  
  
  
“Finn, just let me finish.”  Poe lifts his glasses and wipes his eyes.  He takes a deep breath and tries to make his voice steady.  “You saved my life, and I’m never gonna be able to repay you for that.  I thought I was gonna die on the Finalizer and…well, I didn’t.  And, I know I’ve said a lot of things these past few months, but…”  He sucks in a huge breath.  His voice is shaking.  “Hell, you found the rings in my stuff.  I was gonna ask you to marry me and I was…”  He stops and takes in another huge breath.  “I just need you to know how amazing you are.  You are the most beautiful, brave, wonderful being I have ever met.  I’m so lucky I got to know you, to love you.”  Poe chokes up.  
  
  
“Poe, you don’t have to—”  
  
  
“Finn, I have to.  I have to go.  I have to end this!  This isn’t me trying to protect you by hiding with Frina on the ranch.  This is me, walking away.  This is me doing the mature thing for once in my life.  I…I… I have to figure out who I am.  Away from the Resistance.  Away from you.  This is me re-learning what it means to be Poe Dameron.  You have to let me go.”  
  
  
Finn’s eyes are watery.  He sniffs and says, “Okay.”  
  
  
Poe steps forward.  “Can I hug you?”  
  
  
Finn nods, not trusting his voice.  
  
  
Poe grabs him and squeezes him tight, burying his head in Finn’s neck.  He pulls back just slightly to say, “Take care of yourself, okay.  And win this war for the General.  I know you can do it.”  
  
  
Finn nods.  He moves a hand to wipe his eyes.  “Take care of yourself too.”  
  
  
“I will.”  
  
  
Poe steps away and raises a hand in a wave.  “Take good care of Bee too, okay?”  
  
  
“Poe?”  
  
  
“They’re in your quarters.  We’ve already had our goodbyes.”  
  
  
“Poe, I can’t—”  
  
  
“They’re an astromech, Finn.  It’s where they belong.”  
  
  
Poe starts up the ramp.  When he gets to the top, he surveys the Resistance base one last time, gives a quick nod and goes inside.  
  
  
Finn backs away from the transport, watches the ramp lift, and lets the tears fall from his eyes.  
  
  
About ten minutes after the transport leaves, Jess walks up to him and takes his hand in hers.  “Let’s get something to eat,” she says.  
  
  
Finn nods, wiping across his eyes with his free arm.  “Sounds good.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more chapters left...


	11. New Beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's life like for Poe and Finn after their goodbyes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot less angsty this week as Poe and Finn do a lot of healing and the war eventually comes to an end.

 

For so long, he’s been focused on Poe in one way or another.  After Starkiller, it was jumping into a relationship with him.  After Selvaris, it was finding Poe, rescuing him, and bringing him back.  After Leritor, it was getting Poe help and hunting down the bastards that hurt him.

 

In the first few months after Poe leaves, Finn finds a strange hole in his life where Poe used to be— _it’s not really Poe_ , he realizes.   _It was all that energy focusing on…_  Finn shakes his head.   _Maybe the moof-milker knew what he was doing when he left_ , Finn thinks with a sad laugh.

 

_Time to build a new life without Poe in it._

 

That’s easier said than done, of course.  He still sometimes wakes up in a panic, his old nightmares of Selvaris or his new ones of M-11 fresh in his mind.  He still sometimes reaches over in the middle of the night, expecting to find a body next to his and finding none.

 

But he gets a therapist, starts talking about his feelings, and over time, the good days start to outnumber the bad.

 

It’s a few months before Finn realizes that he’s gone an entire day without thinking about Poe.  He smiles and sends good thoughts to Poe, _wherever he is._ Finn has deliberately not kept in contact, although he knows some of the pilots do.  They’re kind enough not to tell him anything.  _Poe was right; it’s better this way._

 

_A clean break._

 

_A fresh start._

 

After a while, Finn finds that he stops sleeping on his side of the bed.  The nightmares slow to a trickle.  And Finn actually lets himself start noticing other beings without guilt, contemplating the possibility of a life beyond _Finn-and-Poe_.

 

So, eventually, Finn dates.  When the war allows—which means it happens in strange fits and starts, and it very rarely has a chance to go anywhere, but Finn meets some nice beings and has some good times and eventually, he finds that he doesn’t hate the idea of maybe finding someone someday.

 

He’s come to realize that his life is pretty damn complete without a partner.   _But maybe someday?  If I meet the right being?_

 

_After the war, maybe?_

 

_After the war, maker willing._

 

* * *

 

Poe stands up and stretches his back.  Sweat pours off his forehead.  He wipes at it and breathes out.  The damn fence is a pain in the kriffing ass, but it feels good to be out in the daylight working.

 

Poe smiles.   _It feels good to feel kriffing normal._

 

 _Normal._  He shakes his head.   _Whatever that means._

 

He hears something behind him and tenses slightly before willing himself to relax.  He turns.   _Dad._  Relief sweeps through him.  He waves.

 

Kes walks over and hands him a canteen full of something cool and sweet.  “Thought you might need a break.”

 

Poe nods, slurping at the juice.  “Thanks,” he says when he’s had his fill.  He wipes his forehead again.  “It’s gonna be a miserable day.”

 

“Yep,” Kes says.  “That it is.”  He can’t help but look in awe at his son.  In the past year, Poe’s made tremendous strides.  He smiles more, far fewer noises trigger him.   _Heck, I can hug him now_ , Kes thinks.  Poe’s still in therapy.   _Will be for the rest of his life_ , Kes thinks.   _But_ , Kes looks into his son’s smiling face, _he’s here and he’s healing_.

 

“How was town,” Poe asks, leaning against the fence.

 

Kes presses his lips together.

 

Poe shakes his head.  He can tell something is on his father’s mind.  “What is it, dad?”

 

Kes frowns.  “Nothing.”

 

“Dad,” Poe says.

 

“The war.”

 

Poe closes his eyes with a nod.  It’s always going to be a touchy subject around him.  “It’s okay, dad,” he says.  “What’s up?”

 

Kes sighs.  “Over at the port.  Talk about refugees, beings fleeing the core.  Lots of beings scared with no place to go.”

 

“And?”

 

“And,” Kes huffs out a breath.  “It’s too damn familiar.”  He crosses his arms and leans against the fence next to Poe.

 

Poe bumps his shoulder into his dad’s.  “We gotta hope it’ll be different this time.”

 

“Yeah,” Kes says, unconvinced.  He stares at the ranch, frowning.

 

“Come on, dad.  Spill.”

 

Kes looks at his son.   _Damn mind reader_ .   _Just like your mother_.  He sighs.  “It just doesn’t seem right not to do something,” Kes says.

 

Poe knows that feeling, has been warring against it for the better part of the last year.  “You gonna re-up?”

 

“No,” Kes says, chuckling.  “Too damn old to be traipsing over the galaxy.”

 

Poe snorts.   _You could probably still give most of the Pathfinders a run for their money_.  

 

And with that brief thought of the Pathfinders, Poe’s mind suddenly fills with Finn.  After a brief, bittersweet moment, he forces himself to push those thoughts aside.   _Focus on the now_ , he tells himself.  “So?”

 

“What?”

 

“You have some sort of idea, don’t you?”

 

“No,” Kes says.  Poe raises an eyebrow.  “Fine.  Yes.”  Kes pushes off the fence.  “Thought about offering up my services to help people set up on plots of land around here.  Maker knows there’s enough open parcels that people could…”  He shrugs.  “I just remember what it’s like.”

 

“And it’ll be worse soon,” Poe says.  By all indications, the Resistance is going to win this thing.  He smiles at the thought.  But he remembers enough of his childhood to know that the post-war time rarely goes any smoother than the war itself, especially for refugees.  He thinks for a moment and says, “You know, I’ve got some credits saved up.”

 

“And?”

 

“And there’s that plot of land to the west that’s been empty since I was a kid.  Not to mention that plot to the north that I bet Bateen’a would sell pretty cheap.  Zir never used it anyway.”

 

Kes’ eyes narrow.   _Where are you going with this, Poe?_

 

“You think beings are gonna need a place to stay and they’re gonna need help learning how to be farmers and ranchers and such, right?”

 

Kes nods.

 

“We create a place here.  We expand our crops.  We build some more housing.  Beings help us with things in exchange for a place to stay.  We teach them what we know.  Then, if they want to move on, they can, or if they want to stay here with us, they can do that too.”

 

Kes frowns.  “That’s a lot of bodies, son.”

 

Poe leans against the fence.  “Yeah, but…”  He sighs.   _I think I’m ready to be out in the world again._  “I’m getting better.  Noises aren’t as bad anymore, and even Dr. Amala says it’s time for me to start moving out of my comfort zone.  If we start off small, and tell beings to ask before touching and to just be aware of my anxiety and panic attacks…  Heck, if they’re refugees, chances are good some of them are gonna be going through some of this stuff too.”

 

Kes nods.  “Very true.”

 

“So, what do you think?”

 

Kes doesn’t want to whoop in joy—he’s always been the reserved sort—but hearing Poe not just willing but _wanting_ to be around other beings makes him damn near want to cry.  After a moment, he says, “Well, I don’t want us to jump into this without thinking.  I’d like to mull it over, and talk to Dr. Amala and see what ze says.”  He looks up at his son and even behind the dark glasses, he can see a hopefulness in Poe’s eyes that he hasn’t seen in a very long time.  “But,” Kes says, “I think it sounds like a damn good idea.”

 

Poe laughs and looks around.  “If nothing else, it’ll mean I’ll finally get some help with this damn fence.”

 

* * *

 

In the end, the Resistance gets the upper hand on the Order, but before they take them out completely, the Order lashes out—and ends up destroying Coruscant and a few other core worlds in the process.  So, the Resistance wins, but what’s left…  What’s left is a galaxy that has a permanent scar running across it.

 

A lot of beings are scared and a lot of beings are angry.

 

And Finn knows that doesn’t bode well for the future.

 

But, a lot of beings are kind and a lot of beings are selfless, and he’s hoping they’ll be the ones with the louder voices once the dust settles.

 

And oh, is it taking a long time for that dust to settle.

 

He’s always sort of figured that once the fighting ended, that would be that—at least for him—but once they’d stopped fighting, the General conscripted him into the new government, and it’s like a whole new kind of war.  The same sort of urgency is there, but now it’s meetings and memos, emergency cabinet sessions, and making sure that there are credits available so that beings can be fed.  The General says he has a good head for it, but it isn’t like before.

 

He wants to help, but these meetings, these reports, they’re killing him.

 

One day during a debriefing—when they’re trying to figure out what to do about all the displaced beings still floating around without adequate housing—he just zones out, looking out the window onto the city below them.  But then, he hears one of the delegates talk about a ranch on Yavin IV where an ex-soldier and his father are taking in refugees.  He doesn’t have to ask who it is; he smiles.   _It’s been a long time_ , he thinks.

 

It’s a strange wispy kind of feeling when he thinks about Poe now.  Maybe it’s regret.  Maybe it’s gratitude for what time they did have together.

 

_Maybe I just need to get laid._

 

Finn laughs and schedules a day off.  He’s been meaning to ask out that cute delegate from Naboo; maybe he’ll see if they would like to have dinner sometime.

 

* * *

 

It starts because Dr. Amala suggests that Poe needs something—a thing or a place—to help him mourn, and at first, it is fairly abstract.  Poe finds an old helmet and sticks it in the ground on a patch that has always been rough, has never really grown much of anything, not even weeds.  After the helmet, Poe carves a Resistance symbol into a piece of wood and places it there.  Then, when he breaks his special glasses and has to get a new pair, he buries the old ones in the same spot.

 

For everything Poe feels he has lost, he has this strange memorial out past the back garden, and for as silly as it makes him feel at first, over time, it does help.

 

Before long, he has a polished red rock for his mother, and rocks for Muran and L’ulo, too.

 

As refugees start staying with them, there are other monuments to the dead as well.  It becomes an unspoken rule on the Dameron Ranch that if you need to place a trinket or a tombstone out there, you simply do it, no questions asked.

 

That is how their strange little memorial is born.

 

And over time, Poe adds markers for Snap and for Yolo.  Near the end of the war, he has to add one for Luke—he puts it next to his mother’s.  And after the Order’s attack on the core, he works on two special rocks for Dr. Weoke and Dr. Talan.

 

Poe is reluctant to put up memorials to other beings.  He’s never heard for sure about Johoon, who could simply be floating around the Outer Rim.  Poe likes to think that’s what he’s doing, even if in his gut, Poe suspects that isn’t the case.  And Poe sent a message to Fresia, but he never got a response.  He hopes that means that Dr. Archan is busy or even just pissed at him.  He doesn’t want to think about the possibility that it could mean the kindly old man and his family are displaced or…

 

So, he holds off on polishing those rocks for the time being.

 

One day, as he’s working in the back garden, though, Poe’s heart starts beating wildly when he hears a familiar voice yelling from the back of the house.

 

“Cass,” screams Lu.

 

Poe turns to watch her running towards him.  He laughs and crouches down.  Seeing her is strange but the voice seems to fit the gangly girl barreling towards him.  He shakes his head as he thinks how much she reminds him of Bee.

 

Lu skids to a halt in front of him.  “No touching,” she says.

 

Poe opens his arms.  “No touching without asking first,” he says.

 

“So?”

 

“Come here, Lu,” he says.

 

She jumps into his arms.  “I missed you, Cass.”

 

“I missed you too, sweetheart.”  He feels a few tears fall down his cheeks.  “Oh, and my name’s Poe.”

 

“Poe,” she says.  She steps back and looks at him.  “Poe.”  Lu nods.  “It suits you.”

 

Poe laughs and stands.  He scans the yard and sees a man he assumes is Dr. Archan with two women and three other children standing at the back of the house talking to his father.  He takes Lu’s hand and walks to them.

 

“Poe,” Kes says.  “These are some friends of yours.”

 

Poe lets go of Lu’s hand and reaches forward.  “Dr. Archan?”

 

“Treeno, son,” the doctor says, shaking his hand, “ _Poe_.”

 

Poe blushes.  “Yeah, sorry about that.”

 

The doctor shakes his head.  “You did what you needed to do.”  He looks down at his granddaughter.  “I see you’ve already become reacquainted with Lu.”

 

Poe puts a hand on her shoulder.  “Yeah.  It’s good to see you.  After my message, I wasn’t…”

 

The doctor nods.  “Thanks for that, son.  Things in the core became very…complicated over the past several months.  I should have responded, but…  We thought it best to leave Fresia.  Made it out just in time, as it turns out.”  The old man’s voice wavers.  One of the women reaches over and squeezes his shoulder.  He wipes his eyes and forces a smile on his face.  “Two of my sons and their families went to the Illenium system to the new refugee camp on D’Qar.  One of my daughters is with friends on Tatooine.  After we got her settled, my daughter, her wife, and I thought we might see how things are going here on Yavin IV.”

 

Poe smiles.  “Well, you’re more than welcome here, doc.”

 

“Anyone who takes in my son and helps him out always has a place to stay,” Kes adds.

 

The doctor laughs.  “Well, I know Lu would like it.”

 

The girl is bouncing up and down, nodding.

 

“Then, it’s settled,” Poe says.  “Welcome to the family.”

 

* * *

 

Later that night, after dinner, Poe is in the shed where he keeps his mother’s A-wing.  Sometimes he comes in here if things get too loud or overwhelming and just runs his hands over the ship.  Today was good, but even good can sometimes be a bit much.

 

_One day at a time, Dameron._

 

He hears steps and pushes himself off the ship.

 

“You okay,” Lu asks from behind him.

 

He nods.  “Sometimes I just need some space,” he says.

 

“Grandpa says the Order hurt you and that it isn’t the type of hurt that heals easy like a scrape.  Like how I’m afraid of storms now.”

 

Poe turns.  “Storms?”

 

“The night we left Fresia, there was a bad storm and everyone was yelling and screaming and running and…”  Lu shakes her head and walks to the ship, putting her hand on it.  “So, it’s like that?”

 

“Yeah,” Poe says.

 

“How do you make it stop,” Lu asks.

 

“I don’t know, sweetheart,” Poe says with a sigh.  “Talking about it helps.  Time helps too.  It’s a crappy thing to say, but after a while you find that you can handle more than you thought you could.”

 

Lu nods and looks up at him.  She holds out her arms and raises an eyebrow.

 

Poe smiles and kneels down.  “Sure,” he says.  Lu hugs him.  “We’re gonna be okay, kid,” Poe whispers to her.

 

“How?”

 

“We’ll figure it out as we go along.”

 

* * *

 

Two nights later, Poe kneels on the floor of his room and opens the crate.  He’d brought it back and left it unopened in a corner of his room, but for some reason tonight…  Tonight, he thinks he can face it.

 

He slowly pulls out its contents, stopping to remember moments from his childhood, his first promotion with the Republic, his first kiss with Finn…

 

By the time he gets to the brown box with the rings inside, he’s crying, but it isn’t sad, not really.  The memories are good, and there might still be a little pain there, but it isn’t going to destroy him.  Poe sits back on his heels.  “I can do this,” he whispers, opening the box.  He stares at the rings for a long time before plucking one out.

 

He slowly replaces everything in the crate and moves it back to its corner.

 

The next day, he stands at the memorial, studying the rocks and trinkets that now litter the little patch of ground.  He had fully intended to come out here and bury the ring, but now, in the light of day, Poe pauses.

 

It’s been two years since he’s seen Finn, and while he’d had a brief moment of hope when the war ended that Finn might just show up on Yavin IV, Poe knows it’s likely he’s never going to see him again.

 

_But still…_

 

He stares at the ring and sighs.   _Maybe it’s okay to keep this one thing?_

 

He looks back down at the pilot’s helmet jutting out of the ground next to a row of polished rocks.   _I think I’ve given up enough for the time being._

 

He throws the ring up in the air, catches it and turns back towards the house.

 

* * *

 

Later that day, Lu notices the ring he’s wearing on a chain around his neck as they weed the back garden.  “What is it?”

 

For a moment, Poe doesn’t know what to say.  He holds it out to her and she turns it over in her hand.  “I guess it’s a reminder.”   _Yeah, I like that._  “A reminder that I can be brave and that I will survive.  It’s also a reminder of who I used to be and the hopes and dreams I used to have, which didn’t come true, but that doesn’t make them any less important, you know?”  Lu nods and drops the ring.  Poe picks it back up, studying it.  “Even if you lose something, you should still be grateful you got to have it, even for a little while.”

 

“Like flying,” she asks.

 

Poe nods.  Lu can be blunt, but it’s one of the things he loves about her.  “Yeah, like flying.”

 

“Or Fresia,” she whispers.

 

Poe lets out a breath.   _Damn_.  “Yeah, like Fresia.”  He fights back tears as he says, “You have anything that reminds you of Fresia?”

 

Lu shakes her head.

 

“Maybe we should make something, then?  You know, something you could wear around your neck or something you could carry in your pocket?”

 

Lu nods.  “I’d like that.”

 

“It’s settled.  Just as soon as we finish with these weeds.”

 

Lu groans and gets back to work.

 

Poe very reverently places the ring under his shirt.   _Something to remind us that we survived._

 

* * *

 

It takes Finn six months after the war officially ends to realize he doesn’t want to be a politician.  And honestly, in those six months, he’s discovered that it’s kind of nice not to be a soldier anymore.

 

 _Maybe it’s time to try something else_.

 

Finn doesn’t know what that will be, but he feels the same kind of fear and exhilaration he felt when he first joined the Resistance.   _There’s a whole galaxy out there waiting for me…_

 

Yet, it still takes Finn another three months to work up the nerve to quit.  He’s terrified of disappointing the closest thing he has to a parent.  Leia Organa has invested so much time and energy into him that it feels like a betrayal to even consider leaving.

 

But day by day, the work chips away at him.

 

And then, one fateful morning, he finds himself standing in her office, stammering, “I just…  I just don’t think this is what I should be doing, ma’am.  I think I need to be doing something else.”  He’s afraid to look up but when he does, he sees that General Organa is wearing a wide smile.

 

“It’s about damn time,” she says.

 

Finn opens his mouth but nothing comes out.  She chuckles.

 

“Thanks, ma’am,” he finally says.

 

“It’s Leia.  You don’t work for me anymore.”  That terrifies and thrills him.  “What are you going to do now,” she asks.

 

Finn shrugs.  “No idea.”

 

Her smile widens.  “Good.  Go do some exploring, Finn.”

 

* * *

 

Finn has never been a great pilot, but he can get a ship from point A to point B by himself and he figures that’s what matters.  Surprisingly, he has a nice amount of money saved up (mainly because he never knew he was earning a paycheck from the Resistance—Leia laughed harder than he’d ever seen when she’d seen his face after learning that).  Finn buys a small transport, nothing fancy, and he slips on his jacket—the jacket—and decides to go exploring, see if he can find his new life.

 

His first stop is Lothal to visit some of his old Resistance buddies who are still soldiers.  As he plots the course, he shifts, feeling the leather of the jacket weighing on his shoulders.  It’s been a long time since he’s worn it and he realizes it doesn’t sit on him the way it used to.  He sighs and allows himself one of those moments when he tries to wrap his head around just how much has happened in the last five years.

 

He broke free of his conditioning and found a new life.

 

He got a new name, too.

 

He learned how to fly and how to handle a lightsaber.  He learned how to lead and how to question his leaders.

 

He met a scavenger, a General, a Jedi, war heroes, and living legends.  He made all sorts of friends.  Some of them survived the end of the war; many did not.

 

He nearly died himself (more than once).

 

He fell in love, and he had his heart broken.

 

He helped win a war and start a new government.

 

He became quite a big deal, indeed.

 

 _Not bad for good ‘ol FN-2187_ , Finn thinks as the nav system dings and he presses the button to go to lightspeed.   _Not too bad at all._

 

_So what now?_

 

Finn leans back in the pilot’s seat, stars painting him in light.   _It’s time to find out who Finn is outside of the Resistance._

 

He smiles.   _It’s gonna be one hell of a ride._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe it--Next week is the final chapter!
> 
> Thanks to all of you who've stuck with me through all of this. I hope you like what I have in store for you next Tuesday!


	12. Rebirth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter of Hope!
> 
> This takes place about two years after Poe and Finn said goodbye and spans the course of the next year after that.

 

 

**Five years after Starkiller Base…**

He steps off the ramp and feels the humidity hit him like a wall.  He slings his duffle over his shoulder and walks into the bustling port.  These days, Yavin IV is a popular destination.  In the wake of the war, many beings have started moving.  After the Hosnian system and then Coruscant and Fresia, the core just seems a bit too…vulnerable.  Finn can’t blame the thinking, but he can’t help but think that if there was ever another Starkiller, Yavin IV would be just as exposed as anyplace else.

 

Of course, fleeing the core isn’t what’s brought him here today.

 

No, he’s here because despite everything, in his heart, he’s a being of hope.

 

And ever since he quit five months ago, he’s had this nagging feeling.

 

Maybe it was the jacket, maybe it was seeing Rey and Jess and all of them again, but…   _Just because it didn’t work the first time…_

 

Finn swallows and makes his way through the port, wishing that the impetuous bravado that had led him to steer a course to Yavin IV could’ve stuck around a bit longer.  He bites his cheek.   _It’ll be fine._

 

_Just an old friend stopping by to say hi._

 

_Hi, Poe.  How are you?_

 

Finn rolls his eyes.   _Yeah, right._

 

He shakes his head and goes to hire a speeder.  Once he has it, he stops to ask some locals to help him interpret the directions that Karé gave him.   _Should’ve brought Bee_ , he thinks.  He then smiles and shakes his head.  Bee is currently serving as Jess’s astromech, and he can just imagine the sounds both of them would make if they knew he was here.

 

_Why_ _am_ _I here?_

 

_Because you’ll always wonder if you don’t._

 

_Right_ , he tells himself, pushing the speeder to go just a bit faster.

 

It takes him about an hour to navigate out to the ranch.  Once there, he’s struck by just how many beings Poe and Kes have managed to collect over the past few years.  He slows the speeder and finally just stops and gets off.  He stares at the main house in the distance.

 

_I can do this._

 

_I can totally do this._

 

_Just an old friend stopping by to say hi._

 

He walks forward and suddenly, he sees a familiar face.  “Frina?”

 

She turns, shielding her eyes from the sun.  “Finn?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

She laughs and jogs over.  “Finn!  How are you?”

 

“Good.  I’m good,” Finn says.  “I didn’t know you were here.”

 

She nods.  “I’ve been here for a few months now.”

 

Suddenly a young girl comes barreling at Finn.  She stops just short of him, looking up.  “Are you Finn?”

 

Finn kneels down, meeting her eye.  “Yes, I am.” He holds out his hand.

 

She smiles and jumps at him, giving him a big hug.  “I knew you’d come,” she whispers in his ear.

 

Finn wraps his hands around her lightly, giving her a squeeze.  “You did?”

 

She leans back, nodding.  “Yep.”

 

Finn looks up at Frina.

 

“Finn, meet Lura.  Lu, this is Finn.”

 

“I know.”

 

Frina laughs.

 

Finn stands up.  “It’s nice to meet you, Lu.”

 

He looks to Frina.  “How did she know I was coming?”

 

An older man with a cane comes hobbling up.  “Lu!  Lu, next time we wait for our grandpa!”

 

Frina calls back to him, “She’s fine, doctor.”

 

Finn raises an eyebrow and then it hits him.  “Dr. Archan?”

 

The old man stops and smiles.  “Finn?”

 

“He came!  He came!  I told you he’d come!”  Lu is bouncing up and down.

 

Finn looks to Frina.  “What am I missing here?”

 

Lu takes his hand and starts tugging.  “We’ve been waiting for you.”

 

Finn looks to Frina and then Dr. Archan.  “Could one of you explain,” he asks, letting himself be tugged along.

 

Frina and the doctor follow Finn and Lu.  “Maybe we didn’t expect you as such, but we hoped,” she says.

 

“Hoped what?”

 

“Hoped that you might come now that the war is over,” Frina says.

 

“Has Poe…”  Finn isn’t even sure how he wants to end that statement.

 

“No,” Dr. Archan says.

 

Frina adds, “Not in so many words.”

 

Finn stops.  Lu tugs his hand and he says, “I’m sorry, Lu, can you give me just a minute?”  The girl lets go and he turns to Frina and the doctor.  “I guess before I go any further I should ask, am I gonna be welcome here?”

 

Frina and the doctor exchange a look.

 

“Probably,” she says.

 

“Probably?”

 

“Almost certainly,” the doctor adds.

 

Finn raises an eyebrow.

 

“We don’t know,” the doctor amends.  “We hope.”

 

_Hope._  Finn nods.  “That’ll have to be good enough,” he says.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The house is full of people, many of whom stop and stare as Lu ushers him in.  He hasn’t felt this exposed since he was an ex-Stormtrooper walking the halls of the Resistance for the first time.

 

At that thought, he pauses for a moment _.  Five years._   _Jakku was_ _five years ago_.  He takes in a sharp breath.  Five years doesn’t seem so long, and yet, it also seems like that was at least two lifetimes ago.

 

Lu tugs on his hand and he refocuses.  She stops and points.  He follows the line of her hand.  She’s pointing through a doorway, outside.

 

Finn steps forward and stares.  He scans the scene.  There are three beings talking in the distance towards the back of a huge garden.  One has his back to Finn and he’s using his hands as he talks, all big movements that have a grace Finn’s missed.  Finn watches the man talk, rolling back on his heels as he punctuates a point.  Then he’s laughing and kriff, if Finn hasn’t missed that sound.

 

Finn quickly wipes his eyes.   _I can do this._

 

_Right?_

 

Lu stage whispers, “Mister Finn!”  She’s squeezing past him, trying to get outside.

 

Poe’s two companions stop and stare at her and now they’re pointing and he’s turning.  Finn freezes in the doorway.   _I can do this._

 

Poe is wearing his dark glasses so Finn can’t make out his eyes, but the rest of him is clearly shocked.  And frankly, it’s been too long since they’ve been together for Finn to tell if it’s good shock or bad shock.

 

Lu is pulling on his arm and he’s letting her tug him forward and Poe’s two companions are saying something and heading back to the house and before Finn knows it, he’s standing in front of Poe.

 

“Um,” Finn starts.   _I can do this_.

 

“Finn,” Poe says.  It isn’t happy or mad.  It’s as neutral a statement as Finn has ever heard.

 

“He came,” Lu says.  She’s still holding his hand.

 

Poe looks down and smiles.  “Yes, he did.”  He crouches down.  “Lu, sweetheart, do you think you could give Finn and me a few minutes alone?”

 

The girl nods.  She squeezes Finn’s hand and offers him a smile before running back to the house.

 

Poe stands and motions further out into the garden.  Finn starts walking and Poe joins him.  They walk for about a minute before Poe says, “I could be cute and say _who talks first_ , but…”

 

“Cute isn’t really us anymore, is it?”

 

“Why are you here, Finn?”

 

“Wow.  Right to the point.”  Finn takes in a breath.  “Okay.  Why am I here?  Fair question.  Fair question.  Why am I here?”

 

“Did you always ramble like this?”

 

Finn smiles.  “Yeah, Dameron, I did.”  For a moment, Finn gets lost in Poe’s tiny smirk.  Then, he realizes Poe is waiting for an answer.   _Just an old friend…_

 

_No._

 

_Screw that._  

 

He takes in a deep breath and lets it out.  “I’m here because…hell, I’m here because the war is over and I couldn’t just…”  He stops walking and looks around—the thriving gardens, the beings milling about the grounds.  “You know, what you’ve done here?  This place, with all these beings?  It’s fragging amazing.”

 

Poe’s smirk becomes a beaming smile.  “Thanks.  Dad has done a lot of it,” he says.

 

“Where is Kes?”

 

“He’s in town.  He’s gonna be pissed that he missed you.”  He points to the path and starts walking.  “Now, you want to stop stalling and tell me what’s on your mind, Finn?”

 

“I want a chance to try,” Finn says, rooted to his spot.

 

Poe turns.  “What?”

 

“I want a chance to try.  You needed to figure things out, and I’ve got to assume that happened.  But then, after that, we never got a chance to try,” he motions between the two of them, “to try _us_ again.  Away from the pressures of the Resistance and away from trying to please the people around us.  I feel like the universe stole something from me, and I want it back.”

 

Poe looks down.  “I don’t think that’s how things work.”

 

Finn feels as if he’s been punched in the gut.  “So, you don’t…”   _I will not cry_.

 

“It’s not a matter of what I want or don’t want.  We aren’t the same people we were five years ago.  Heck, we’re not even the same people we were two years ago.”

 

Finn steps forward.  “But what do you _want_?”

 

“Finn, don’t go there.”

 

Finn takes another step forward.  “Poe,” he says in a low voice.  “What we had, it…  I get that it’s over.  That Finn and Poe are gone, have been gone a long time.  But,” he turns, kicking the dirt path. “I still…”  He takes a deep breath and then just says it.  “I don’t know who you are anymore and you don’t know me, but dammit, I want to give it a try!”

 

“You want to give what a try?”

 

“Us!”  Finn turns back around, breathing hard and staring at Poe.   _I can do this_.

 

Poe looks down.  “There is no _us_.”

 

“No, not now,” Finn says.  He steps forward again.  “But there could be,” he whispers.

 

Poe looks at him and Finn can sense his hesitation.  Finn shakes his head.  “Poe, I’ve spent the last year negotiating truces and filing paperwork and then flying over half the galaxy promising myself that _maybe there could be_ an us.”

 

“And do my feelings factor into this?”

 

“Of course, they do!”  And then something catches Finn’s eye.  He starts to reach out and then stops.  “Ummmm, can I,” he asks, his fingers hovering above Poe’s chest.

 

“Uh,” Poe looks down and realizes what Finn sees.  “Sure,” he says.

 

Finn pulls out a silver chain with a ring on it.  His mouth opens as he examines it.  He wants to say something, but his brain freezes.   _You’re wearing…_  He finally looks up at Poe, a million questions in his eyes.  He lets the ring drop.

 

Poe puts the ring back inside his shirt and then puts his hands in his pockets and leans back on his heels.   _What are you afraid of, Dameron?_

 

Poe closes his eyes and answers himself, _I don’t want to screw this up._

 

“Poe?”

 

Poe opens his eyes and takes in Finn, who is standing here all brave and wide-eyed and beautiful.   _Maybe it’s time to try again._  He says, “It wouldn’t be the same, you know?”

 

Finn smiles.  “I know that.”

 

“You might decide that you don’t feel the same way about me that you did for the cocky Resistance pilot.”

 

“And I might like you better,” Finn says.

 

Poe sighs.

 

“You don’t know my heart any better than I know yours, Poe Dameron,” Finn says.  “But I aim to change that.”  His smile gets wider.

 

Poe can’t help but smile in return.   _Damn, I missed that smile._  “We work around here.  All of us.”

 

Finn chuckles.  “I’ve never been afraid of a little hard work.”

 

“A lot of hard work,” Poe says.

 

“So?”

 

“So,” Poe takes a deep breath.   _Sometimes you have to take a chance, Dameron._ “We’ll have to find you a room and then, I guess,” Poe lets out the breath, “we’ll just have to take it day by day.”

 

“Day by day.”  Finn nods.  “I can handle that.”

 

“No promises,” Poe says.  He’s finally at a place where he’s accepted who he is now—he’s even grown fond of this new Poe Dameron, the one who isn’t a war hero.  The one who still has trouble with noises sometimes and who doesn’t touch easily, but also the one who works in the garden and gives piggyback rides to the kids.

 

“No promises,” Finn says.  “I’m different too.  Hell, you might not like the man I’ve become.”

 

Poe snorts.   _As if that’s possible._

 

Finn chuckles.   _We’re gonna do this_ , he remembers Poe saying all those years ago on the Finalizer.  He feels like repeating it now.

 

Poe looks over Finn’s shoulder.  “We should probably head back to the house.  They’re all dying to know what’s going on.”

 

Finn turns to see about thirty beings standing near the back door to the house.  He shakes his head.  “I’ve got a lot of names to learn.”

 

“Yep.” Poe starts forward.

 

Finn stops him.  “Um, could I…”  Finn bites his lip.  “Could I give you a hug?”

 

Poe nods.

 

Finn wraps his arms around Poe and squeezes.  “I missed you,” he whispers.

 

Poe closes his eyes and leans into it.  “I missed you too, buddy.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Four months later…**

“And the nightmares,” Dr. Amala asks.

 

“Good,” Poe says.  “Haven’t had one in…”  He frowns as he tries to remember.  “At least two or three weeks,” he finally decides.

 

Dr. Amala gives him a rare smile and types something into zir datapad.

 

“What about Finn,” the doctor asks.

 

Poe blushes and looks at the floor.  Even after all this time, even after all the panic attacks and the times he’s ended up crying in the doctor’s office, Poe finds it hard to share this.

 

“You don’t have to—”

 

“No,” Poe says, shaking his head.  He looks up.  “It’s good.  It’s…”  He pauses and thinks about the last several months.  “I mean, it’s…”  He laughs.  “Kriff, doc, it’s…”  He stops and licks his lips and stares at the far side of the doctor’s office, thinking.  He finally starts talking, “You ever get something you wanted and…  I think for the longest time, I thought if he ever came back, it would be like _everything_ would come back, you know?  Like, I’d wake up one day and I’d be able to see and I could fly and…”  He instinctively reaches for a tissue, feeling his eyes well up.  “I mean, I _knew_ that wasn’t gonna happen, but…  But when it didn’t happen...”  He wipes his eyes.  “Well…”  His voice gets small.  “You remember that.”

 

“I do,” the doctor says in a neutral voice.

 

Poe takes a breath.  The first few weeks after Finn had come back had been rough.  Poe had been especially prone to anxiety and bouts of sadness.  But, he had gone to see Dr. Amala and talked about his feelings and slowly, he’d gotten better.

 

“I’ve been talking to him, telling him what I’m feeling and…”  Poe takes in a steadying breath.  “And trying not to push him away.”

 

Dr. Amala nods.  “And how does that make you feel?”

 

Poe shakes his head and then says, “Honestly, I can’t believe he’s still here.”

 

“Why can’t you believe it?”

 

Both of Poe’s hands are clenching his knees.  He realizes and stretches his fingers out, forcing them to relax.  “I don’t understand why he puts up with it.”

 

The doctor types something on zir datapad and then asks, “What if the situation were reversed?”

 

“Hmmmm?”

 

“If it were Finn who had been tortured and injured and who was in therapy and was healing, would _you_ put up with it?”

 

“Of course!”

 

The doctor smiles.  “So why is it so different if it’s you?”

 

“I…  I…”  Poe knows the answer but he doesn’t want to say it.

 

“Poe, I think that something we should work on in the coming weeks is this sense that you are somehow unworthy of Finn.”

 

Poe refuses to meet the doctor’s eyes.  He nods.

 

“And I’d like you to think about telling him about these feelings, see what he has to say.”

 

“I know what he’ll say.”

 

“And what is that?”

 

“That he cares about me and that he wants to be here.”

 

“And why don’t you believe him?”

 

“I want to.”

 

The doctor nods.  “Good.  Let’s work on that.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Two months later…**

“Finn,” Poe asks into the darkness.  “You awake?”

 

“Mmmmmm,” Finn blinks.  He reaches over and finds Poe’s hand while he waits for his brain to wake up.  “What is it?”

 

“I…”  It’s the middle of the night and he’s woken up with a profound need to tell Finn everything he’s been feeling, but now, in the moment, he finds he can’t quite say it.  He _knows_ it.  He _wants_ to say it.  Kriff, he said it before, but now…  He squeezes Finn’s hand.

 

Finn rolls over.  “Turn over,” he whispers.  Poe turns and Finn wraps himself around him, his hands on Poe’s chest.  “You okay?”  He presses a light kiss to Poe’s shoulder.

 

Poe nods, moving a hand over one of Finn’s, holding him there.  “Just so fragging glad you’re here, you know?”  It’s as close as he can get to saying what needs to be said.

 

Finn hums an acknowledgement.

 

“Do I say that enough?”

 

Finn nods.  “You do.”  He closes his eyes, enjoying the warmth of Poe’s skin.  “And it’s where I want to be,” he says, kissing Poe’s shoulder again.

 

Poe closes his eyes, basking in the feeling of Finn’s lips on his skin.  It’s one of his favorite things in the whole galaxy.  Poe takes in a long breath and lets it out _.  I should just say it._

 

_I’m gonna say it._

 

_Finn, I…_

 

_I…_

 

He squeezes Finn’s hand, realizing it’s not going to come.  Instead, he hears himself say, “You’re a good man, Finn.”

 

Finn smiles against Poe’s skin and kisses his neck.  “You are such a moof-milker, Dameron.”  He kisses him again.  “But thanks.”  Poe smiles and Finn can feel him relax.  “You gonna be able to sleep?”

 

“Think so,” Poe says.  “Just…”

 

“Not going anywhere,” Finn says.  “Tell me when you can, okay?”

 

Poe squeezes Finn’s hand again. 

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Six months later…**

In war, everything speeds up and everything slows down.  For long stretches, it was go go go:   taking new missions, charging into battle, always moving, always running.  The time bled together and before he knew it, months or even years had passed.

 

But in this strange era after the war—when things are still cantankerous but mostly peaceful—time is different.  It still speeds up and slows down, but now the tempos build around the sorts of things he’s never really known before: gathering with family around a table for dinner, helping children learn their letters and numbers, making sure the animals are fed.  Time can speed up in the routine of chores but then slow down in the beauty of a sunset or in the thrill of the right someone saying your name.

 

It takes Finn a while to adjust to it, but when he does, he finds that he likes this life far away from Leia’s new government and its military.  He likes this life that doesn’t get written down in histories, that they don’t make holos about.  It’s a life focused on a different kind of glory and heroism.

 

Finn knows better than most how precious this new life of his is—he’s been graced with two rebirths in his life, and he aims to make this one just as meaningful as the last.

 

And he’s pretty sure that part of what will make it meaningful is sharing this new life with Poe Dameron.

 

_Is it love?_

 

Six years ago, he would have said yes without thinking.

 

Three years ago, he would have said yes, even if it didn’t quite feel right.

 

Now, he pauses and turns that question over in his mind.

 

Finn knows that love doesn’t happen all at once, but over time, no matter what kind of life you’re leading.  And he knows you can’t force it and you can’t expect it to remain the same.  Love is a strange growing creature that Finn may never quite figure out.

 

_Is it love?_

 

_It could be._

 

He hopes it is, and Finn has become very good at hope.

 

In the fading light of twilight, Finn reaches out and finds Poe’s hand.  Poe hums.  He starts swinging their hands as they walk back towards the house.  Finn studies Poe—the laugh lines around his eyes.  The grey, much more prominent in his hair now.  The bushy beard.  The few extra pounds.  Finn runs his thumb across the back of Poe’s hand.   _My beautiful Poe_.

 

He smiles at the thought.   _My Poe._

 

_Taken us a while to get here._

 

He thinks back over the past year—so different from the first time they’d gotten together.  Then, there hadn’t been time to do anything other than jump in whole-heartedly, and…

 

Finn sighs to himself.   _And I wouldn’t change a kriffing thing,_ he thinks, squeezing Poe’s hand.  Poe squeezes back.

 

But here on Yavin, they’ve been taking it slow, rediscovering each other.  It hasn’t been easy.  The first few weeks were bumpy, to say the least.

 

But neither of them backed down.

 

And they’re both still here.

 

And the good times, they more than make up for the bad.  Finn’s found a partner here, someone who, for lack of a better term, suits him.  Still, Finn can’t quite put a name on it—this thing they have.  They’re definitely in a relationship, but it’s not like before.

 

Then, it had been like diving into a volcano, flying full speed at a super nova.  

 

And everything had been so easy to name.

 

Now, it’s been coming on so gradually that Finn’s kind of shocked to realize that he spends more nights in Poe’s room than he does in his own, that he knows Poe won’t flinch if he reaches over to touch him.

 

But they haven’t said the words.

 

For all the arguments, the ways in which _love_ was thrown around the last time they were together, they’ve both been much more cautious this time.

 

They talk.  And they both make an effort to listen as well.  In fact, in some ways, they are so much more open and honest with each other now.  Finn knows about Poe’s anxieties and his hopes and fears.  Poe knows about Finn’s too.

 

But they’re both so aware of what’s at stake, the million little ways this could go wrong.

 

And while they’ve both healed, they’re both still healing, and the prospect of re-opening old wounds looms large.

 

So, neither of them have named this thing between them.  They haven’t said those words—the words that are going to make it real, that are going to be as good as a commitment when they’re said.

 

Because both Poe and Finn know the power of those words.

 

Those words will mean so much.  They will open the door to possible futures that Finn hasn’t even let himself consider yet.

 

_Is it love?_

 

Finn knows he genuinely likes the man standing next to him.  He respects him; he enjoys his company, and…  It’s more than companionship, more than being friends—although they are certainly friends too.  It’s the way he gets excited when he hears Poe’s voice in the next room, the thrill of feeling Poe’s skin next to his. It’s why he wants Poe to be the last person he talks to at night and the first face he sees every morning.

 

Finn’s pretty sure he wants to spend the rest of his life getting to know Poe even better: the good, the bad, Finn wants it all.

 

_Is it love_ , he asks himself.

 

It’s a question he’s wrestled with a lot in the last several months.

 

But now, here in the twilight, Poe’s hand in his, all those concerns, all that worry—it all seems to evaporate.

 

And in this moment, he knows.

 

And so, in this moment, Finn takes the biggest risk of his life.

 

He squeezes Poe’s hand as he stops and turns.  “Poe?”

 

“Hmmmmm?”

 

“I love you.”

 

Finn holds his breath and he hopes.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for taking this ride with me. I have to say I’ve been astounded by the comments to this fic. Thanks to all of you who talked to me while this was coming out (here and over on tumblr). I’ve truly appreciated it. And those kudos too—thank you for those! Just thank you all for being such wonderful readers!
> 
> This wasn’t an easy fic to write but it was something I needed to do, and I’m glad you stuck with me to the end. I hope it was worth it.
> 
> May you all have a hopeful and happy day!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> As always (and I cannot say this enough), comments and kudos are so very appreciated. They always make me smile.
> 
> Also, the wonderful [Nytemere](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Nytemere/pseuds/Nytemere) made a wonderful playlist to accompany this fic, [which you can find on YouTube.](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPakFg-F9pi7wuehS8xgHKwcIJxsDx-XQ)


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